Opinions please on violence

[heyday]

Have Recently been verbally threatened with extreme violence in my own home by daughters bf. I was so scared I went into hiding for two days. Had severe panic attacks. I barely know him but know he is a young strong male, amateur boxer whilst I am small, weak and nearly twice his age. Phoned police but was too scared to press charges. I am trying, but failing, to make my daughter (early 20's) see the trauma and terror he brought to my home and life. She tells me to calm down, stop being so dramatic because he never actually carried out the threats. I am aware that no, he didn't actually carry out the violent threats (partly due to my grown up son protecting me) but I am still fearful, I still feel scared, the level of threats were totally excessive and I never totally feel safe now. She insists that I am wrong and am being over dramatic but I can't forget the fear that he brought to my life and am struggling to see why she can't understand how I feel and why she still supports him over me. I find it even harder to understand her stand especially as she has suffered serious DV from her ex. Your honest POV s would be appreciated. Is it ok to threaten someone with violence even if you don't then carry through (although he may well have done if he could have got his hands on me)? It's been a bloody nightmare time.

No, of course it's not ok to threaten people! He sounds awful. Go to the police and say exactly what happened - then it'll be on record.

And as for your dd - have a chat with her about what happened, and why it was so unacceptable. If she can't accept it and argues with you, it may be time to have a break from her until she sees sense and you feel more safe.

How awful. Does she live with you ?

ban him from your home. talk to the community police officer, and see if there is a domestic violence unit.

NO it certainly isn't "ok to threaten someone with violence" - in fact it's a criminal offence "Using threatening words or Behaviour" - or "Causing Alarm, distress or harassment." I don't know what happened when you phoned the police but they should have made you aware of these criminal offences. But then again, the police aren't looking for work and have a very poor record as far as DV is concerned. That however shouldn't stop you from calling them again if you are in danger.

I agree with preciousbane - I strongly suspect your daughter has got herself involved with another violent man - sadly this is often the case, even when women have suffered DV in a previous relationship.

I think you should definitely refuse to have this man in your house again. You don't say in your daughter or adult son live with you. Regardless of whether they do or not, you should tell your daughter and her bf that he is simply NOT allowed to be anywhere near you again. I think you should have your adult son with you when you tell them. Surely he is worried about you? I am assuming this is a relatively new relationship and I imagine it will not be long before the bf starts being violent to your daughter. Maybe then she will change her tune, but maybe not, as women stay with violent partners usually for a long time before reporting the violence.

You are most definitely NOT being dramatic - your daughter is "love blind" or whatever and can only see the good side of her bf (if there is one!)

Another one here saying ban him from your home. What a coward, terrorising a small woman like that. Your DD needs the Freedom Programme but it doesn't sound like she's ready for it yet.

I'd call the police again and ask to speak to the DV officer - to get advice and to make them aware, in case it happens again. I'd also go to your GP so that the panic attacks are on record. I hope your DD sees sense soon

Thanks for your replies. I told her that if I saw him anywhere near my home I would phone the police but still twice he came outside and I felt terrified. I have told her to call the police due to some of his outrageous behaviour but she panics and refuses. She seems obsessed by him but terrified too. She won't be honest with me so I don't really know what I am dealing with and her personality totally changed from the moment she met him. She has a little boy and I am so concerned for him. She insists that the bloke has never touched her or her DS but how long will it be before he does. She has already said that he will f..k her up if she phones the police. I have tried everything to support her but most of the time she is so nasty to me, threatens that she won't let me see my darling GS, gets really aggressive. An hour later she is being nice again but then rapidly switches back to being nasty. Not sure if she is taking drugs or suffering from mental illness as she has changed beyond description in just 4 months. I had to kick her out because I can't trust her not to sneak him in once I go to work which she is very prone to doing. I never, ever want to set eyes on him again as it makes me so panicky. I grew up in household with severe, prolonged DV and this recent episode has brought back so much childhood fear caused by my abusive father.
I am worried sick about her but I also need to protect myself and my DS who is already struggling with a lot of his own personal problems.

This sounds awful Op. It does sound like drugs are involved. I really feel for you.

Me too :( keep posting OP you'll get amazing support here

I guess there must be so many women out there who suffer DV from totally controlling men and I guess these are the men that appear to women as the 'bad boys' that so many women seem to be highly attracted to. Why do young women, who have so much going for them, want to be with men like the guy I have described? My daughter is now on her third one. We live in a very violent part of London and her childhood wasn't always easy due to poverty, my depression (which has been masses better in past 6 years) and having virtually no extended family. I am far from the perfect mother I admit that but I have always tried hard to teach my children right from wrong. I can understand one violent partner when she was still very young but what could possibly make her want 3 rotten partners in a row? She is attractive, bright, friendly and confident. So what has gone wrong? My parenting must have been dire (although in my defence, my two sons have totally rejected the violence on the street and avoided hanging out with thugs). I feel so angry with her for the violence she has brought to my home and especially so because she has a gorgeous Little boy who does not need this influence in his life.

Of course it's not OK and your DD is completely out of line telling you - her own mother - to effectively suck it up. Clear where her loyalties lie. No matter how poor someone has been or how difficult their childhood, there's no inevitability to being in a violent relationship, let alone tolerating the same behaviour towards others. Parenting only goes so far in influencing someone's personality.

I suggest you protect yourself by cooperating with the police and, if you fear for your GS, get Social Services involved.

I think you should talk to the police and get proper advice on this from professionals.

I'm not surprised he has also threatened her and she is scared of him.

But you must lead here. And that would be reporting him for the threats against you.

No I'm not surprised this bloke as also threatened your daughter and she is scared of him - I think I said I thought this would happen in my first post. I am a retired social worker (30 years in all- in LA Children's Services) and have seen this situation more times than I can remember. These women in violent relationships somehow become paralysed and are unable to stand up to the violent partner and are dominated by them, and in the end their fear prevents them from leaving, and the more afraid they are, the more dominant the man becomes, so it's a viscous circle really.

I am very concerned about your GS - I think it is only a matter of time before this man harms the child. I know that might sound like I have a "crystal ball" but I know how these men operate. Violent men are really scared inside and very insecure (and they have almost always been the victim of violence in their childhood, so they only know one way of parenting) and so they become very possessive of girlfriends/partners - they need to own them and they will usually do something to get rid of the girlfriend's support network (parents, extended family, friends etc) as they don't want anyone interfering with their dominance of the partner or trying to turn her against him. This does sadly very often extend to the child - the violent man sees him as another man's child and his jealousy about this causes a rage in him and he takes it out on the child. He also gets jealous of the mother of the child being loving to him, and this also causes jealousy and is another reason for violence being perpetrated on the child. Even if this doesn't happen your GS is highly likely to be suffering from emotional abuse as he will be aware of the violence of this man towards his mom and the tense atmosphere, if nothing else.

Is your daughter living with this man? You say you "kicked her out" - so where is she living and in what conditions? Are you still able to see your GS - and how old is he? I think it likely that your daughter will not be letting you see your GS (and I see she is already threatening that) and if this happens it is a big warning sign. That is what usually happens in these situations.

It's difficult at the moment but an offence has been committed by this man using "Threatening words and Behaviour towards you" but if you do report it to the police, you have to agree to press charges. Although I think you can just get it recorded for possible future use and I urge you to do this. As I said before the fact that police have been slow to respond to calls from women afraid of violent men, has been thrown into sharp focus lately and so they may take you more seriously.

As far as Social Services are concerned, they will not be able to act unless someone makes a referral to them of witnessing the child being abused /neglected and they consider it serious enough to go out and visit the family. Dependent on the child's age they may just contact the health visitor or if he is of school age contact the school to see if they have concerns. You say you live in London and so workloads for social workers are going to be very high and they have to prioritise. Even if they do go out, it is often the case that the bloke will tell a convincing story and the mother is too afraid of him to tell the truth. The real worry is that when women get really afraid of partners they fail to protect the child and that is when the child gets hurt. I'm sorry - I don't want to cause you unnecessary worry, but I think you need to ensure that you see as much of your GS as possible and monitor the situation. Is there anyone else in the family who could do likewise? What about the child's father - does he have contact with him, or was he one of the other violent partners.

I wish I knew why women move from violent partner to violent partner but I don't and I honestly don't think you should blame yourself. I've worked with many families in this situation and the mothers of the daughters in a violent r/ship are good, hardworking mothers who have always done the best they could for their children, just like you. If you had been an uncaring mother you wouldn't be worrying about your daughter and GS now would you. I've met plenty of people who don't care about their adult children or their grandchildren.

Do you have anyone in whom you can confide?

Thank you for all your replies especially yours Nana. I guess that some women like 'bad boys' and the excitement that they bring. Sadly that 'excitement' soon turns very sour.
My day has been crazy. This guy who threatened me has just phoned me and said he is very worried about the welfare of my DD because nobody knows where either she or my GS are. He says she has been acting very strange and is very worried about her. Even I thought that my daughter had turned into a monster. I was so shocked to hear from him, especially as he sounded so calm and rational. I seriously think my DD has mental illness, she has had huge personality change, is very aggressive, lies, manipulates and is delusional. He is trying to locate her, he has all the contacts whereas I have none. I need to get them home and try to deal with the carnage from there onwards. I just hope I can keep myself safe as she seems to hate me so much at the moment. Her ex boyfriend turned up at my door today as well, and it's been bloody crazy. I really feel that I am close to breaking point right now.

Are you absolutely sure heyday that the boyfriend was being truthful, or could it be remotely possible that he was trying to worry you and succeeded.

Has your daughter suffered from mental illness in the past. When you say she is delusional, do you mean she believes things that aren't true e.g. she is receiving messages from god, or the TV is sending her messages, and is out of touch with reality. Delusions of this kind are a symptom of psychotic illness, but is there a possibility that the changes in her behaviour are related to the boyfriend. Maybe she has gone into hiding because she is scared of the boyfriend and doesn't want to be found.

I just hope that you can get your daughter back and your GS but she is quite likely to return to the boyfriend, even if this is out of fear.

So very sorry you have this worry and hope you have someone in RL who can support you while all this is going on.

It's all been so complex that it's almost driven me to a breakdown. I am finding out more each day. My DD has been leading a very bad life, using cannabis, dating more than one of these dodgy men at the same time and has basically lied to everyone and left a trail of destruction behind her. When I say that she is delusional, I mean it in terms of having no concept whatsoever of how destructive and wrong her behaviour is, especially allowing her little boy to be around these men.
She is an extremely competent liar and I now find myself not believing a word she says so it has become almost impossible to try to know which course of action to take. It's hard to help someone who lies and manipulates without battering an eyelid. I am totally out if my depth now so I have handed it over to the social services . I know full well that she is putting her 2 year old at risk but as she gets aggressive if I try to intervene then she can now answer to the authorities. If she doesn't change her ways then she will lose her child.

I think you did the right thing regarding your daughter.
I hope the little one can be raised safely.