Does anyone else feel like this 3 plus years on from divorce?

[3mum]

November will be the third anniversary of my split from cheating exH. I emphatically don't want him back and I can't really see what I saw in him. I like being alone and have no interest in another man.

However, I am furious all the time about the fact that I wasted all the youthful years of my life with this twat. We were together 30 years and it came out when we split because of his adultery that he cheated on me all the time we were together.

Obviously I am pretty F'd off with him. He basically procured a relationship by deception as far as I am concerned, but I am also ragingly angry with myself that i was not more perceptive. I now understand that I accepted a pretty shitty relationship in which he failed to pull his weight and put me down all the time, at least partly because of low self-esteem and the way I was parented, but that does not alter how I feel. I walk around all the time with this bubble of rage inside me.

I have confided in a couple of friends but they always come out with platitudes like "but then you would not have your children". Well no I wouldn't but maybe I would have had other children with a much more worthwhile man or even no children at all (I love my children but as a single parent I can't do an awful lot of things I would like to do including live where I want to live because I have to be a responsible parent).

Does anyone else feel the rage? Does it go eventually?

I have that same rage with myself, but I'm only 18 months on from my split. I have 1 DD and am unlikely to have more. Friends tell me I should be grateful that I have 1 child, but as you say in your original post I just feel that if I hadn't put up with such an awful marriage (in hindsight) I could have had 2 or 3 children with a 'D' h and still be married rather than the situation that I'm in now.

Six months here and filled with rage every day. My life that I worked, paid and planned for is gone. I hope one day I feel,better!!! Listening to see if rage will eventually go!!!!

I'm over 4 years and the rage has definitely passed re our relationship. But he still manages to nark me by being a crap dad to our dc

I'm glad I am not the only angry woman out there. It seems as if it is something that is rarely talked about. Hoping that another year will bring me to your position statement.

I feel like this and have done for years.

Yes I understand where you are coming from.

Not sure what advice to offer really except maybe try and laugh/ see the humour in past events?

I think time does make things easier and remember that even married people will have regrets.

You are now free of your ex so your life is definately better.

get counselling. you don't have to feel like that.

I felt incredibly bitter, angry and resentful for at least four years....
But then I started to realise he didn't deserve my head-space, and that his birds would come home to roost one fine day.
During that time, I also started to be 'me' again, and realised I was actually a pretty nice person and that what I deserved was someone a lot better than him (haven't found them yet, but hey!)
I got to the point that I liked how I was. That's good enough for me for the time being.
You will get past this when you're ready. I hope that happens soon.

I get what you are saying.
I will never forgive ex fir walking out, for destroying 26 years of memories and refusing ever to even talk about it. I still wonder how much was false, if he ever loved me. My life is much better now but a part of me still wonders what I would do if I saw him again. Even though I gave up my dreams of having children because for some reason I loved this impotent man who would never even talk about his sexual problems far less seek help.
Whew. That feels better. Nearly 26 years and I never told anyone.
I don't even know if he is still in the country. I suppose it is best that way but sometimes it is hard. I will never understand how he could walk out without a backward glance.

Thanks Katie. Yes that's exactly it. What on earth was the point of keeping me hanging around all those years if he really wanted to be elsewhere? (I have a nasty suspicion that it was because in those days I was a high earner, which makes me even angrier).

Thanks mineof. I am pretty comfortable with myself, especially these days as I feel in sync with myself and think I am a pretty decent person. Doesn't help how I feel when I think of him and how he duped me though!

I second seeing a counselor. After three years, I hope to be well settled into my 'new' life and can look back at the similar situation I am going through now and say, 'I did my best with the person I was at the time, with the knowledge I had at the time'. And actually mean it. Sometimes it isn't all about the ex.

3mum, you find yourself wondering if they stayed because it was the easy thing to do don't you? (I wondered if he ever loved me really - don't think he did, if he ever really wanted children - he was far happier when we didn't have them.) I invested over twenty years on this man.
The key point is, I worked out he was never going to give me the answers I wanted, and that actually they wouldn't make any difference anyway....
If I'm projecting, sorry. But maybe you will find you're far from alone reading this - and that you can get past it.