Fed up of my sister bitching about me.

[Justalittlebitfedup]

Hi all. I'm a regular poster but have name changed just in case I'm outed.

Not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this, maybe just someone to listen to my rant or any suggestions on how to approach this? Sorry if it's long, I have a tendency to waffle.

My Dsis and myself have an ok relationship. We're not similar in personality but she's my sister and we do try to see each other a lot. She has 2 boys (9 & 23mo) and I have one DD (14mo). Lately it's really been bothering me hearing about the things my sister says about me behind my back.

It's like a cycle. Our DM has quite a volatile relationship with Dsis. Just tonight she was talking about how lazy Dsis was on a recent holiday they went on together, and what a bad parent she was, how she shouts too much etc.

Recently they fell out and whenever I talked to my DM all I got was her bitching about my sister. And vice versa with my Dsis slagging off DM. I generally just "mmm" and "yeah" and listen to each of them rant on. I shall admit here that I am by far perfect in all this, recently me and Dsis fell out over some hurtful things she had to say to me (of which I won't go into because it's too long and complicated) and my DM did listen to my rants.

But generally now we're all friendly to one another. Only tonight after DM has finished talking about how bad a mother DSis is she tells me that she "doesn't think Dsis thinks I'm a very good parent". I asked why she would think that and apparently Dsis says I shout at my DD too much and lose patience very easily with her. I can think of the 3 occasions which I imagine she got this impression from. One being when DD was a newborn and the other 2 more recently. Despite whether this is true or not (of course I don't think it is true, but on those occasions I did get stressed very easily) but I'm really hurt that my Dsis has been discussing this with DM.

I know my sister and I know that it would have been an epic slagging off session. It worries me because obviously I hear them both bitching about each other and when they're together they must also bitch about me.

DM has also told me that Dsis said:

A) that my house is a tip and I'm a disgrace

(Yes it's untidy, we have a tiny flat with no storage space and having some unclean dishes on the side and an unmade bed that doesn't bother me that much. I know everyone says that their house isn't that bad and people ask if maybe they're in denial, but it's not unhygienic, just cluttered and disorganised.)

And

B) that I am a lazy slob because I'm not up, dressed and ready for the day by half 10.

(She has the school run to do and is always up and ready really early. If I have a day off and no plans, I can spend a good few hours still in my pjs and it doesn't bother me. So why the heck does it seem to bother her?!)

Basically tonight, after my DM told me what had been said about me I finally told her that if my Dsis had any more nasty things to say to me I'd rather she not repeat them to me because in this case ignorance is bliss. I also told her that I didn't want to hear her slag off my DSis and it was nothing to do with me, because I'm fed up of being the middle man between them.

But I'm actually quite hurt that my Dsis does think these things of me, and I'm hurt that she probably talks about it to other family members and her DP (who isn't really a fan of mine to begin with) I know if I confront her and tell her I know what she's said that she'll deny it. And I don't want to fall out with her. I feel like DM tells me all this because she's stirring and she wants me to sit there and slag Dsis off (and in the past my reaction has been exactly that)

Now I just think it's all so petty and stupid. Any suggestions? Do I tell Dsis it hurts me to know what she really thinks of me, or should I go with my original plan of anytime either of them has something nasty to say about the other (or gossip about what the other has said about me) should I nip it in the bud and say I don't want to hear about it?

If you've read to the end of this thank you, I know it's long, boring and seriously petty :( just looked back at this post and it's HUGE!

The only person I can see Bitching is your mum.

She's stirring there is know reason for her to tell what your sister has 'said' about you any more then when she goes to you sister and complains about you, and I bet a pound to penny she does.

Why is your mother trying to play you off against each other and drip poison into your ear like this? What is she getting out of making you aware of nasty comments? How do you know they're even coming from your DSis?

'Those who gossip to you will gossip of you'

I think you have been a tad naive here, of course you're all going round slagging each other off!

Your mother is instrumental in all of this. What a despicable thing to do between your own daughters!

I honestly don't know, it seems like all she ever has to talk about is something negative.

Perhaps I have been naive, I definitely know that I have had my bad moments. When I've said something along the lines of "why would she say that?" expressing doubt that she would say that, DM has said things like "she did say that, didn't she?" to her DP who chips in and adds more.

I'm just so fed up of the negativity! I know it sounds awful, but knowing my sister I can believe that she would say those things (from hearing about her say similar things about other people and the horrible things she said to me when we fell out).

When we did fall out, I decided that instead of replying to her message and arguing I just said I didn't want to discuss it further and was not interested in having any further contact with her. We didn't talk for a week or so and I was actually relieved that I didn't have to deal with any drama. Whenever DM brought it up in conversation I simply said I didn't want to talk about it and changed the topic.

As for my DM, she is a very complicated person. She is bipolar and (I feel horrible for saying this) the biggest drama queen I have ever known. I think she's quite narcissistic and because she has issues with my Dsis's partner I think she tells me the negative things Dsis has said (I shall take this with a pinch of salt because it may or not be true) to get me on her side if that makes sense?

Maybe it's your mum Bitching and your sister is saying hmmm yeah sort of thing? These types of people seem to be experts at manipulating people into saying stuff or implying they've said stuff they haven't. Conquer and divide.

I'd just shut it down when it starts , or leave. Your mum is deliberately trying to upset you it seems.

Just ignore it, if the bitching starts, just keep changing the subject.

but knowing my sister I can believe that she would say those things (from hearing about her say similar things about other people and the horrible things she said to me when we fell out)

I think you have to accept this is happening yeah.

On top of this your mother is a giant drama queen.

I think all you can do is stop bitching yourself and either accept that your mother and sister are like this, or else start to distance yourself from them both - mother more than sister perhaps.

You all sound over-close to each other atm.

I think also you need to step back and take a long hard look at your mother. People who are drama queens love bitching about others and don't care how much hurt or shit it causes. Not a nice trait.

Regarding your hurt with your sister, well, those thigns can't always be erased. If possible, let it go. If you can't, then I would suggest that after a few months (let the dust settle) then arrange a coffee out together and quietly and neutrally raise it with her. Maybe (depending on if you think it will help) admit that you've been no saint in the past and that you regret it, specially as you see now how much it hurts. It could be the springing board for a discussion about how your mum is actually shit stirring between you both quite badly. She could also maybe be offended, but in that case she has a lot of growing up to do.

Your mum is stiring it up when she should be keeping the peace
You only have one family
I suggest when the bitching starts, rather than mmming and yeahing, say to whoever it is: "lets not talk about them when they're not here, lets talk about x" and nip it in the bud
Life is too short to fall out with close relatives