Mismatch in sex drives - advice needed

[EvolvingDad]

My wife and I are in a deeply loving relationship, but regularity of sex has declined (to a few times a month from a few times a week), it is causing some problems. Pretty classic case of mismatched sex drives. I end up feeling frustrated / rejected and unfulfilled, DW ends up feeling pressured and inadequate. Always great when we do make love and healthy relationship elsewhere. DW doesn't think there is an issue. Two kids 6 + 4, been together 9 years but not sure that's even relevant. Just interested to get opinions / advice on what I'm sure is a common problem? Maybe I just need to stop being a twat?

My sex drive is higher than my DHs. I know it can be frustrating. If it was up to me i'd have sex twice a day 365. It's how i've always been. (i have kids, youngest is 8 months).

However a few times a month is pretty average as far as i can tell. That's once a week or more yes?

How is your intimacy levels (holding hands, talking, snuggling, snogging, massages, etc) without the expectation of sex?

Do you have time together without the children? Does she have time to herself to do as she pleases?

How is your communication with each other? Any unspoken resentments, history?

Would have to go a bit deeper to find out as yes, people can have mismatched sex drives, but if it started out one way and then changed to another, could be life circumstances or two people drifting apart, rather than suddenly going off sex, iyswim.

Probably once a week is about average, but has been very gradually declining. I try and hide it as don't want DW to feel under pressure but ends up spilling over every now and again. I think she worries that it'll end in a break up or infidelity. I don't feel that for a moment, but can understand why she would feel insecure.

When you say it "ends up spilling over every now and again," what does that mean?

Have you talked about it with her OP? Properly - not in anger or frustration.

"When you say it "ends up spilling over every now and again," what does that mean?"

Didn't take long!

irule - what didn't take long?

@startinoveronmyway. Intimacy levels good and without the expectation of sex on my part (although DW probably would say she feels it hanging over her if its been more than a week or two). Time without kids. Check. Time to herself. Check. Do as she pleases. Check. Good communication between us as far as I know and any issues are well aired. I don't think we're drifting apart; I love her more than I ever did and she tells me she feels the same and that it is just a natural change. When we first got together we were making love multiple times a day for weeks on end. I don't expect to return to those days, but would hope to find a better balance than what we have currently.

I walked into that one. It means 'ends up causing some issues' - but thanks for the support. very droll.

We've talked it over. She says she will make more of an effort, but we usually end up back where we started.

I wasn't trying to be droll. I meant in what way does it spill over, what issues does it cause?

It'll be the expectation that's the problem. If you're doing nice things for her, she'll be thinking, "is he just being nice to me? Or is he doing this because he wants a leftover? "

"irule - what didn't take long?"

Dark hints about what he may do when he is "refused" sex.

I meant legover.

I'd prefer the leftovers myself, neil

Sex a "few times a month" when you have 2 school aged kids and the busy lives all that entails ?

Welcome to parenthood.

We generally only have sex at weekends these days, sometimes during the week but rarely.
Some weekends we'll do it once sometimes twice and now and then three times or more.

To be honest when it comes to sex I don't think there is a "normal" I've often thought people who say they do it every day must be exaggerating but then you read it on mumsnet and think it must be true!

It really comes down to communication and trying to both be happy with where you're at.

I know some wouldn't believe it but both of us will for want of a better phase "provide a service" for each other. By that I mean if I'm a bit tired and can't be arsed to have sex and my wife wants it, I'll give her oral to satisfy her needs. Similarly if i want it and she doesn't sometimes she'll give me oral or sometimes she'll bend over and I'll have my way!
This is how we are and we are both happy with it....it keeps us both satisfied and happy knowing that neither of us is getting frustrated. I can't speak for my wife but I rarely feel the need to masturbate.

What works for one couple won't for another.

When you've talked it over what does she say the reason is? Do you also say you'll make more effort - by trying not to make it obvious you want more sex?

When did the decline start? Most relationships start rampant and then dwindle a bit.

This is the exact same topic that bought me here. I was properly flamed. I mean properly many people here are nutcases

One thing I can tell you is that it makes no difference how much you do or don't do with the kids, or whether you take your turn in washing up. People here just assumed that I was lazy or that I was mean to her, etc. etc.

The fact is, that you have to march to the beat of the slowest drum (in this case your wife). She may be inclined to enter into some sort of compromise, but I doubt you'd want that (I didn't).

I stopped obsessing about it. Things improved. I think my indifference scared her a bit - even though that wasn't my intention.

Malice, were you the one who (eventually) 'fessed up to emotionally abusing your wife into having sex with you ?

That rarely works.

Sort of, though I didn't really see it that way at the time so it wasn't really a confession as such. In that sense, these boards are useful. Much of it is just angry feminists projecting, but I'm big enough to admit when my behaviour (and this is one of those times when labelling something helps) was out of order.

It's been 40 minutes since that post. I thought you'd have gotten a severe flaming by now!!!
(unless it's the calm before the storm)

Those "angry feminists" probably saved your marriage

Malice is right though AF in my experience (except the angry feminist bit though). Your advice to me pretty much echoed what they wrote. Mismatched sex drives - low drive partner has to control. Ultimately as well there isn't much you can do to change your, or their drives. Its pretty difficult when there us a Great Divide.

Is, rather than us!