Would you see this as controlling or kind?

[CambridgeBlue]

DD has a school trip coming up and DM has offered to give me £100 towards it. I am grateful because money's tight for us like most people but DH thinks it is one more way that she is trying to 'control' us. I think he's also resentful that we aren't in a financial position that allows us to pay for extras easily and to say 'thanks but no thanks' to what he sees as handouts.

I've posted before about the difficult relationship between DM and DH. She does have form for being pushy and wanting things her own way but I can't see that in this instance she's done anything other than try to help us out. I'm trying to see it from DH's POV as well though and I know he feels it makes us beholden to her in some way.

Why is life so complicated?!

I would see it as kind but it sounds like your mum can be quite controlling so can understand why dh feels that way

Try jigging it round so actually your mother isn't contributing to the school trip fund, instead your mother has given your dd £100, and you have decided to put it towards her school trip instead of spending it on hair bobbles and 1D tat!

If she has form I would decline it, tbh.

She could bring it up in the future and make you or your DH feel uncomfortable. Particularly in front of other people.

Without knowing anything about your mum it sounds kind. She can't make it a control thing unless she later starts making demands "against" the money. Do you stand up to her in these circumstances (if it's happened before, anyway)- telling her "no, that was a contribution you made, as a decent grandparent, to dd's trip- you have no say in XYZ" or similiar?

If you generally can't stand up to her and she has form for that sort of thing I see why your dh is concerned and maybe he has a point. It's giving her ammunition. If she doesn't have form for using presents (as it sort of is) against you then I don't really know why he's worried. If you do stand up to her I suppose it might make his life a tad more stressful for a few days but so will rejecting the money and having dd stay at home whilst everyone goes on a trip. Your mum might be equally awkward about that!

I remember you from before.

I would not accept any money from your mother as she could well use it going forward as a further stick of control to beat you with. Controlling people do not give money without conditions attached.

It depends in what way you think she will make you beholden? After all it's to help your dd not you guys. Maybe suggest it as a replacement for birthday and Xmas pressie this year?

I should have said I've already accepted it . I was finding it hard to rustle up the whole amount (although I hadn't mentioned this) and when she said it I just said thank you gratefully without thinking about any further implications .

I don't really see how it's any different to earlier in the year when our fence blew away and ILs gave us a few hundred £ towards a new one. Both are generous gestures with no strings attached as far as I can tell.

I am well aware of DM's controlling tendencies but in this instance I think it's a genuine desire to do something nice for DD. We had very little money as kids but DM is in a better position now and can afford to give us things sometimes, which I know means a lot to her. I don't feel I 'owe' her any more than I would if she didn't give us anything though, and for all her faults I can't imagine her using money as a stick to beat us with.

I am making a real effort to stand up to DM when I think she's being unreasonable but in this case I'm not sure she is.

PS Felicity you have a very good idea of what my DD wastes spends her money on :).

I remember your posts before too, Cambridge! I agree that money can certainly be used to control / encourage a sense that the recipient owes something to the giver.

In this case, though, I honestly don't see what harm it could do. Your mum can't control any aspect of the trip - it's all decided by the school. She's doing something for her GD, not you or DH, so there's no reason for you to feel particularly beholden to her - it's natural for GP to want to help their GC.

The worst outcome I can imagine is that she goes on about the trip with a sense of "ownership" (if you see what I mean); or tries to interfere in your financial planning on the grounds that, after all, you were struggling to fund DD's trip. The former scenario would be an irritation; the latter would need to be dealt with firmly. If you could handle that - & wouldn't expect DH to just suck it up - then I can't see the problem. It's not as if it's a point of principle with him never to accept parental help, if he was happy to take money from his parents.

Just make it clear to him that if problems do arise from your accepting this money for your DD, then you'll never again accept financial assistance from your mum.

I think the key thing here is to ask your DH what he believes needs to be done to prevent your mother as seeing this as a way to control you.

Explain to him that as far as you're concerned, it buys nothing and is a gift to your daughter but can quite understand why he is anxious and just want to reassure him. That the only way this'll affect you is if he lets it because you certainly won't.

I think, from speaking to my DB and SIL that schools can't exclude anyone from a school trip on the basis of them not paying, and they can't insist you pay. So in future you could just refuse! I'm not 100% on the details of this, there's presumably a difference between the optional school ski trip vs an educational trip to a local farm as part of their geography curriculum, but o gather from my brother who is very clued up on these things that paying is optional, they just don't tell you that, for obvious reasons!
Might be worth looking into...

This is an optional trip Kiki but something I'd very much like DD to go on. We could have found the money (I am freelance so tend to have a bit spare some months and not much others) but it was very handy to be offered some help.

Loon if DM is going to try and involve herself in the trip in any way she will do so whether she has paid towards it or not! I really don't think she'd use this to try and interfere with regard to our finances, we're reasonably open about that sort of thing and she knows why things are tight for us at times (and approves of the reasons, not that it should matter!)

I think the key thing here is your DH's feeling of inadequacy. He's obviously embarrassed about the fact that you're not financially comfortable. However, he's operating double standards to accept money from one set of parents and not the other. If he really wants to stand on ceremony and get upset about charity it should be 'no thanks' to all of them.

Maybe this is an opportunity to look at the family finances properly and make a plan how to get from making ends meet to being more secure? Increase income, reduce outgoings, set up a savings plan etc

That's a very good point about DH's chip on his shoulder feelings of inadequacy. I do think it bothers him a lot that he's not where he feels he should be in life.

We're not really that skint, like most people we're just finding things a bit tight at the moment and as I said my work can be erratic although it pays pretty well generally. We'd just had to pay nearly £400 for a car MOT and service when the school trip letter came home. I generally put a bit away each month for school stuff but I've just done uniform etc for the new term. The trip is in November so not long to budget - I wish they could have told us a bit earlier! - hence DM's contribution being very welcome.

That said, whether we could afford it or not, I think it's natural to want to treat your grandchild and I hope the gesture is meant in the way I've chosen to take it.