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Original poster

Feeling a bit angry… he's keeping it quiet from everyone...

23 replies

umbongoumbongo · 23/09/2014 11:55

Some of you may have read my thread a while ago where the general advice (I think 100%) was LTB… so actually that is what I have decided to do after a kick up the arse from a friend. My tenants still aren't ready to move out of mine so in order to keep some money coming in and the mortgage paid I am letting them stay and finding a small place to rent for myself until the spring/summer as that will be a better time to sell my house anyway.

I'm annoyed as now that I've said I'm definitely going he is saying that he is going to redecorate his house with a view to selling (the main reason our relationship has failed in my eyes is his inability to move onwards from an area I hate living in in a house that is too small for our needs and his obsession with work above all things).

I am angry as I feel I have wasted my time, put in a tonne of effort with his kids and now I am the one going backwards as am going to end up in a caravan or tiny room so I can afford to live (still in the area I don't want to live in as my work life is now based near his house) while nothing much will change for him.

I am also annoyed that he isn't telling anyone that we are breaking up. I told him last week and he has only told one friend. I understand with the kids he wants to find the right time (on the family holiday in a few weeks (that I am not going on) apparently…) but he hasn't told his parents or other family and we even spent an evening with his friends last night and it was like acting as if nothing was wrong. (We have been getting on really well since I said I'm going; it's like the pressure is off).

His mum is sending me messages asking us to do trips out with them and it is putting me in an awkward position. She organises it through me as he is crap at arranging stuff as always too busy with work. She is going to be pissed off with him I think as I'd already told her he was showing no signs of committing fully and I wasn't going to hang around forever at my age. I am having to tiptoe around and think about what I say (mainly because of the kids which is fair enough) when I feel like broadcasting how bloody let down I feel by him and that he made me feel I just wasn't special enough for him to marry. If he moves by himself to a house and area I would have been happy living in after I move into my tiny room/caravan I will be so so so mad.

OP posts:
kaykayblue · 23/09/2014 12:06

Next time his mum texts you, just tell her. "Actually, I'm surprised X hasn't told you, but we are in the process of separating".

It's your life too - you aren't obliged to tip toe around making excuses just because he is too much of a coward to tell anyone what's happened.

I guess this whole thing just goes to show that there was never any reason for him to insist on staying in that house. It sounds more and more like he was digging his heels in just because you wanted the opposite.

Try not to think about what he does next. He will probably do everything you wanted him to. But that's not the point. The point is that he didn't give enough of a shit about your relationship to do it sooner. In fact, if he DOES move to an area that you like, then it's just further proof of what an absolute shit he is!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/09/2014 12:25

It doesn't seem fair but you are well out of it tbh.

When it was going well, you were happy, how were you to know it wouldn't last, you got along with the family, the DCs - so it hasn't been a total waste of time. Now you have realised he is draining you of confidence and essentially rather a selfish character, it is absolutely the right thing to cut loose.

He's already told you he laid the ground for explaining to the kids you and he might break up. I'd get my side of the story in first if I were you.

What I would do is

  1. stop socialising with him, it only perpetuates the 'situation normal' myth;
  2. tell his parents face to face and next spread the word through friends you are splitting up;
  3. then you can gently but firmly stop letting his mum use you as a go between, because her DS is useless - tough luck if he is disorganised or too busy. No longer your concern!
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/09/2014 12:29

I agree with the PP. You're entitled to say what you want to your friends and family. His responsibility to deal with his family but if his mother is insisting on get-togethers & he's keeping up a pretence, maybe you should have a woman-to-woman talk?

FelicityGubbins · 23/09/2014 12:42

Do what everyone else does and plaster it across Facebook...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/09/2014 12:51

Brilliant. Umbongoumbongo is feeling... ... with.... .... in .... . Relationship status... 'single and looking'.

Original poster
umbongoumbongo · 23/09/2014 13:01

I don't want to do the Facebook route as not fair on the kids (they are old enough to be on there) and as I am still living with him for the next month or so I want to keep things amicable for everyones sake plus as I will be moving to such a tiny space I will probably need to keep some of my stuff here til I get my own house back in Spring/Summer so no point stirring the hornets nest.

I told him he'll regret it and I think he will. Oh well...

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/09/2014 13:06

If the kids are FB age (14yo+?) haven't they noticed that it's not going well? Do you have separate rooms? Frosty atmosphere? Big arguments? Telling them a few weeks from now on a family holiday that you're not attending sounds like a silly plan tbh. For one it's likely to spoil the holiday. For another, when everyone gets in the car/boat/plane except you even the most stupid child is going to twig something's up.

Keeping things amicable only appears to be harming you while everyone else goes about as if nothing has happened. Time to speak up....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/09/2014 13:13

I told him he'll regret it and I think he will. Oh well...

Hang on OP he might regret it but you were fed up with him stringing you along, not least his fattist comments and general ingratitude, so a month longer living with this person shouldn't be four weeks of hoping he'll beg you to stay for more of the same treatment, should it?

It's risky thinking 'better the devil you know' imo.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/09/2014 13:16

(We have been getting on really well since I said I'm going; it's like the pressure is off).

That's often what happens, it doesn't mean that the original flaws all magically disappear.

You can level with us - do you hope for reconciliation?

Original poster
umbongoumbongo · 23/09/2014 13:18

I had pulled out of the holiday ages ago so the kids are not expecting me to be there. I had a feeling it might go tits up way back when they were organising flights etc and said I didn't want to go as not my thing and too expensive. We actually get on really well most of the time especially away from the house; it has always been the house and lack of space for my work equipment that has caused issues. I've found somewhere else for my work stuff to go as would have been impossible to find somewhere that accepts pets and with enough space for it all in my limited budget.

We are still sharing a bed as there is no spare room and there is no bad atmosphere between us just a sense of sadness. The arguments are not happening as it's just going over the same old ground and we have agreed there is no point going over the same thing now that the decision has been made. The kids know we have had a few ups and downs but at the moment they think everything is fine so the youngest especially is going to be gutted. I'm sad for her especially and will continue to help her with the after school activities I do with her.

I'm not interested in another relationship at the moment so it's no skin off my nose.

OP posts:
Original poster
umbongoumbongo · 23/09/2014 13:19

No I don't think I hope for reconciliation. I think it has shocked him though as he is quite a confident person and probably didn't expect me to pull the plug.

OP posts:
HoldenMcGroin · 23/09/2014 13:24

You don't need a spare room. Use the sofa til you move on.

ugh at sharing a bed, sorry

AMumInScotland · 23/09/2014 13:25

If this was me, I would insist on telling the children right away - living in a house where this is 'in the background' isn't a good and healthy way to live, even for a few weeks.

There is never a 'good time', but as grown-ups you can sit down and explain to them that this just isn't working out for you, and you have decided that you will split up.

Then, tbh, I'd be sleeping on the sofa until the new accommodation is sorted, because it makes a clear statement to the children that you are staying on a 'friend' basis not his partner any more.

And I'd stop the couple-socialising, and send an honest reply to his mum.

I don't think you or anyoen are gaining anything by carrying on the pretence, if the decision is made it should be made public and open. I'd only delay for something like GCSEs etc to avoid disruption at a difficult time. Other than that, you face the upset and help them to deal with it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/09/2014 13:29

You have every right to feel deflated it is not easy. But yanbu to have wanted better.

Original poster
umbongoumbongo · 23/09/2014 13:31

It's not ideal but it is helping save some money this month to put towards renting somewhere else. It's not like we have had some massive argument and hate each other- I can cope with sharing a bed and don't fancy knackering my back on the sofa. There is no sex involved that all ended a long time ago anyway. It is a temporary situation and not any different from how it has been for the last year really just that he is now treating me with respect/nicely and I know I am going so don't feel trapped and resentful of nothing progressing with him any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
umbongoumbongo · 23/09/2014 13:32

Should point out kids don't live with us; only here at weekends.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyQS · 23/09/2014 13:35

Poor you. You seem to be tiptoeing around everyone, and everybody else are making decisions that you have to fall in with.

Him in not telling anyone
His mum for now knowing you are done
Your tenants (FGS!) for not finding it convenient to vacate your property yet.

Confused Why can you not serve notice?

AMumInScotland · 23/09/2014 13:37

I'd still tell them at the first opportunity rather than wait for a holiday. And I'd tell other people the next time we were in contact - his mother for instance. I can see that he ought to be the one to tell her, but if he isn't getting on with it then I don't think you should continue to 'pretend' when you reply to her.

You're angry that he's 'keeping it from everybody', but at the same time you're just sitting passively and allowing him to do that. Take charge of telling them. Make it happen.

Original poster
umbongoumbongo · 23/09/2014 13:44

My tenant is disabled and a move for them is a massive thing. I have told them I want the house back in Spring/Summer so hopefully they will pull their finger out re finding a property to buy by then. I'm scared of not having the rental income as it pays the mortgage and I can't afford to move back by myself due to large council tax etc. It suits me to leave them in situ over winter, keep the money coming in and put the house (which is a large family house) on the market at a better time of year for schools etc.

It was my decision to leave; it could have dragged on for years with nothing moving and something happened (offer of free accommodation in exchange for help with animals that fell through!) that pushed me to tell him. At least it's in the open now.

OP posts:
Original poster
umbongoumbongo · 23/09/2014 13:49

I will have a chat with him tonight and tell him he needs to tell his family at least. I am happy to wait for an appropriate time for the kids.

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 23/09/2014 14:33

Would your tenants not be interested in buying the house?

Original poster
umbongoumbongo · 23/09/2014 14:58

Sadly not; they are looking in another county hence it has dragged on a bit leaving me a bit in limbo. Still; the longer they are there the more of the mortgage gets paid off before I sell/downsize as I will struggle to get another mortgage on a smaller property by myself being self employed and not a huge earner!

OP posts:
Original poster
umbongoumbongo · 25/09/2014 12:02

Well, he finally got round to telling them all after a nudge from me (told family but not the kids yet). I am still trying to arrange my accommodation; what a headache.... Feeling a bit miserable today. I find winter very depressing anyway and not looking forward to spending it all alone and cramped in one room with my dog :-(

OP posts:
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