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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This really has put me off...am I right?

26 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 23/09/2014 07:25

I started a thread about a guy on match who said it was terrifying being single at 39. I thought it sounded needy, I was told no.

I just retread his profile and he had written that he is lonely and that he lives with his son but can't see his daughter at the moment as she lives with mum ( I'm thinking no access). It just sounds a bit icky already. Date is tonight and I want to cancel. Aibu?

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 23/09/2014 07:27

You were already doubtful about this man. trust your instincts and cancel.

forumdonkey · 23/09/2014 07:28

I think you know yourself - two threads shows you aren't sure about this guy so cancel

VeryLittleGravitasIndeed · 23/09/2014 07:30

He sounds a bit sad and broken, but I would still go so I didn't wonder later if it would have lead to something.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 23/09/2014 07:36

I'd go, but without any expectations. Look on it as date practice.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/09/2014 07:38

He does sound like a bit of a Gloomy Gert.... He reminds me of a man I met on holiday when I was newly single. We met for dinner one night and his conversation could be summed up as ....

"I've split from the wife.... She hates me.... The kids hate me.... The dog hates me... "

After listening to this self-pitying crap for far too long I snapped. "I'm not surprised they hate you. You're bloody boring!". He still wanted a second date but I dodged him for the rest of the week

Grin
EmmanuelWoganberry · 23/09/2014 07:39

I’d cancel, he might be lovely in the end but you already seem to dislike him so it’s not really fair to give him any hope. Especially as he already appears a bit desperate.

tipsytrifle · 23/09/2014 08:46

You weren't being "told" anything last time, nor will you be "told" anything this time. Advice and opinions are always on tap, sometimes expressed quite passionately due to the nature of experience being shared.

Date is tonight and I want to cancel

Seems like you're telling yourself but you aren't listening yet!

Cancel ... go on, you know you want to Grin

superstarheartbreaker · 23/09/2014 13:09

I don't dislike him. I've seen him about and he's quite cute.... I just think he's a bit too full on.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 23/09/2014 13:11

Follow your instincts ....I was always wary of profiles that give information away about dc ....whereabouts etc....

However I don't like over familiarity generally....

You had reservations to start with .

Acclimating · 23/09/2014 14:39

If it was alarm bells and red flags, OP, I'd absolutely agree with those saying follow your instincts.

And of course you should never do anything you genuinely don't want to do.

But my reading of this guy as described is someone who's woefully out of practice in the dating world, daunted by returning to it, and is being (probably too) honest about the whole thing.

Do you generally feel misgivings at the prospect of first dates, or try to talk yourself out of them? Or are these misgivings singular to this guy?

I've seen lots of OLD profiles since I took the plunge that mention number of DCs and living arrangements. It sounds like he's put it a bit mournfully, but that doesn't mean that's the only emotional mode he operates in.
Also, is there something to indicate no contact with his dd? Couldn't it just be his XW now lives in a different part of the country? That particularly jumped out of your post as something you'd constructed a story around, something you were looking for, as opposed to something he'd written.
There are also profiles that come across as charming that, when you meet the person, turn out to be quite misleading.

My advise (by no means telling you to do anything) is: if you're truly worried, for any reason: cancel. If the date itself is a major hassle in terms of logistics: cancel.

If it's local: what about using the old standby dating technique of having a friend call an hour (or 20 minutes) after you meet him, so that if he's crying in his pint and playing a hand of woe-is-me cards, you can beat a hasty retreat.

Ultimately, what feels best for you is paramount. You're the only one who can assess the risk-reward potential.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/09/2014 14:46

Unless he was actually repellent online I'd give him one date. What's lose? Just one evening of your life while you put someone through an audition.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/09/2014 14:48

Oh, FFS! "What's TO lose?"

GoatsDoRoam · 23/09/2014 14:54

Dating IS daunting, but he hardly has a positive attitude about it, does he?

And discussing his child access woes on his profile sounds very self-absorbed.

Basically, he sounds like a man looking inwards. Not one who's looking outwards at who he might hopefully be meeting.

Possibly not a bad man, but probably not one who's really open and ready for dating yet.

CuriouSir · 23/09/2014 17:24

Definitely go!!!! What do you have to lose?

Viviennemary · 23/09/2014 17:28

I think give him a chance. Go on the date.

superstarheartbreaker · 23/09/2014 21:40

I went on the date and I thought he was very sweet! I think I might meet him again am I mad? !apparently his wife started hooking up with old flames on Facebook and moved the kids away without notice when they split. Then his son ran away to be with his dad again but sadly he hasn't seen his dd as mum won't let him. Hmmm... If he was an arsehole his son wouldn't have run away to be with him?

So he is a bit cut up about the whole thing but ready to embrace dating again and he loves his job which is a huge positive.

OP posts:
Diagonally · 23/09/2014 21:52

I was one of the original people that said go for it but....his son "ran away"? Is this some kind of Dickensian melodrama?

How old are these DC?

I'd say tread a little cautiously here.

VeryLittleGravitasIndeed · 23/09/2014 22:00

Life is never straightforward so it's not something to judge him on but I'd avoid talking about the drama tbh. If he's ready to have a new relationship he won't want to use you as a counsellor.

LuluJakey1 · 23/09/2014 22:12

I would not see him again. You already know way too much about his past relationship - which does not sound past enough. If he is still cut up he is not ready for a relationship.

superstarheartbreaker · 23/09/2014 22:49

I am going to be cautious as the running away/ ex stuff sounds a bit full on but then my ex buggered off to Iran when I was pregnant so I can't talk!

OP posts:
superstarheartbreaker · 23/09/2014 22:50

His oldest son is 14 and his dd is 6.

OP posts:
crazylady321 · 23/09/2014 23:17

Personally if it was me and I fancied him and thought he sounded nice then I would give it a go. Its hard to judge someone based on 1 comment and a bit of background info on his profile

superstarheartbreaker · 24/09/2014 12:33

I think he is cut up about his kids rather than his ex. His story is that after hooking up with old flames on Facebook his ex upped and left without telling him where she was going.
His son who is a teen missed his dad a lot and ran away to live with him. He said that the ex hated the sight of the son as he reminded her of him ( they look similar)

The cynic in me wonders why a woman would just up and leave without saying where she was going. But if he was a horrid dh or dad then why would his son want to be with him? Sounds tricky but there is something nice about him.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 24/09/2014 14:46

then see him again and see how it goes. It's not as he's proposed, asked you to move in or be a step mom to his son is it?

take it steady, you can always stay friends if there is no romantic side or you're not sure.

superstarheartbreaker · 24/09/2014 21:18

The latest is this: my good friend knows him. She went on a couple of dates with him years ago. Apparently his ex wife had to call the police as he was trying to break into her house when she was with another man. Ok he was gutted that she was shagging someone else but this is a massive red flag.
The same friend works as a nurse. Some time after they dated she ended up on the same ward as he was in... After a suicide attempt.

The answer is no way then. Sounds far too volatile, needy and possessive.

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