Husband and female friend/colleague - would you be ok with this?

[baldyboll]

Husband has a female colleague he's known for a few years, when I was using his phone the other day a message from her popped up and I couldn’t resist having a look, it was just about a shop she’d been to and she was saying he should go, I was nosy and had a quick look through older message, there were lots, back and forth 5 or 6 messages every other day or so including weekends and some evenings and also quite a few when we were on holiday last week! There are also lots of calls in his call history on his work phone made during the day.

He does have to work with her but not in a way that requires this much interaction and I can’t really decide how I feel about it. They are not flirty or inappropriate, there is nothing in them to suggest that anything is going on between them, I know they don't see each other outside of work and they could easily be messages from a man but I’m still a bit uneasy about them having this much contact and how they seem very familiar with the way they talk to each other.

I don’t think there is anything going on, I asked him about her, he didn't seem at all flustered, didn’t seem bothered that i’d seen her messages and said they just got on well and were friends. If I asked him to reduce contact I think he would but don’t know if that would be unfair if this is just me being a bit possessive? I wouldn’t ask him to stop texting a male colleague in this way, would you feel the same way or am I being silly?

Peagle, has your DP 'felt insecure about' any of your friends? Does he ever tell them that he's 'a bit insecure about their relationship'? Have any of your friends in response 'toned it down a bit' or 'tried really hard' to include him? Has he ever asked you to 'limit contact' with any of your friends, and what has been your response?

I cannot imagine having this much control over my DP's friendships, nor he over mine.

I'm on the fence too - there was a similar thread yesterday and I commented that I had always had close male friends too.

BUT - I'll make the same comment here. My DH knows all my friends. He has a rough idea how much I'm in contact with all of them, because we TALK about it. And most are his friends too.

So - I would not be at all happy if I suddenly discovered that he had a close female friend that I had no idea about. And that it looked veeeeery much like keeping me in the dark had been quite deliberate on his part, given that phonecalls and texts had happened when I was about but had - how coincidentally! - not been mentioned, or been replied to when I was not there. One would imagine, with freqnent contact, that there SHOULD have been many occasions when a text came in -'Oh, it's Julie - oooh, she says x shop is great... we should go...'

That's what should be happening. Don't let his wide-eyed innocence make you feel the unreasonable one - you should be asking, in detail, why you have not heard of her. Why is he not discussing this friendship with you? How convenient that all calls and texts have taken place when you were not there...

Doesn't sound good to me at all.

Oh and yes to normal patterns of contact with other people.

It's meaningless randoms on a forum commenting on the number of text messages someone sends as being OK or excessive. My OH talks to their siblings weekly at most. I speak to my brother every day and we swap a good number of texts most days. I have friends I exchange frequent texts with, and other friends I am equally close to that I text infrequently - friendships can evolve using different communication channels.

Given content and attitude are fine, surely this is an irrational concern?

I find it very disingenuous that people are saying "well if he asked you to stop texting a FEMALE friend, would you" or "well if it was a man then you'd have no problem so what's your deal"

There are different boundaries for same sex and opposite sex friendships. Especially when you are in a committed relationship. If you walked in the flat after a party had been going on, to find your partner had crashed in bed with a male friend, or even his sister, you probably wouldn't give it a second thought. But if it was the same situation with a heterosexual female friend, then you may well feel like a boundary had been crossed.

If you're with a straight man, then it doesn't matter how close he is to his male friends, because there's no question of any type of attraction existing at any point, ever. That's just not the case with opposite sex friends.

Only - have already asked that of Peagle but haven't got the answer yet!

For me, it would be excessive - as I wrote.

If you're happy with your DH spending all the working day with someone, then texting them and calling most evenings, weekends and holidays, fine.

I wouldn't be.

I wouldn't be worried. My dh has friendships like that. Although I have met the friends. They seem fine. I don't particularly want to build up a friendship with them myself because we don't have much in common, but I don't have a problem with my dh's friendships with them. Its the same for him the other way round too.

I went through this with my DH and his male friend (bromance) and it irritated the hell out of me, not because I was worried because it might turn I to something else, but because he was almost constantly concentrating his attention on someone else, and the dc and I would by instantly put on hold when the phone pinged.
We did end up having a good few rows about it but he did ultimately cut back on contact and concentrated on family life outside of work.
It's not on to have two "significant others" even if one of them is 100% platonic.

NotNew What you describe and what the OP describes are not the same thing. Your example of a couple of emails a day and 2 texts at day at the weekend, I would call normal. Six texts a day plus lots of phone calls is not so much, and evenings and holidays, not so much, given that she's a work colleague.

The only people who get that many texts from are my husband & my sister.

It doesn't mean that anything is going on, but I would certainly keep an eye on it.

To be honest, my first response would be deep suspicion. Then I think of one of my own work colleagues. We work very closely together and had an horrific stressful time about 5 years ago when we were basically holding each other up. We spoke all the time and texted all the time, just trying to keep each other going through an unbelievably difficult situation. And since have maintained a very close working friendship. We still work together but in slightly more remote roles so probably only speak twice a week now but still text for general banter and soundings on things.

However there has never been anything sinister or inappropriate and neither of us would have even DREAMED of anything. We were just good friends and colleagues. In fact one of the things I like the most about him is his utter devotion to his wife and kids. I don't know his wife well, I've met her a couple of times and have always got on with her (and frankly think my friend is punching well above his weight and have told him so). I would be terribky upset and horrified if she posted the OPs worries.

Maybe this is just an outcome of a decent man who doesn't think about gender in the workplace and has developed a great relationship with a colleague?

Much ado about nothing

I wouldn't think twice about it. My husband has tons of these conversations going on at any given time. Some with women, some with men. Some are with my mates (male and female) :)

You know if it's weird for him. But the fact the content of the messages is purely a friendship content would make me think there is really nothing to worry about at all.

Yes jengyr, the secrets in the "tons of". If the op can say the same for her husband then I agree, nothing to worry about.

It's not just the content of the messages, though.

There's nothing wrong with having friends. But it is not good to conceal your friendships from your spouse. Now, he might not have said she's become a friend just because he didn't think to mention it, but with frequent contact is that likely? Compartmentalising your life, even I'd it starts off innocently, isn't a terribly healthy pattern.

I have no problem with DH being friends with whoever he likes. I would have a problem if he was having a social life about which I knew nothing.

I really do get it about compartmentalising, but again I'd offer the alternative view. My pal didn't talk to his wife massively about the work situation we were in as it was incredibly horrible and he didn't want to take it home with him and not be able to get away from it. Plus he didn't want his to worry and be upset about something she couldn't control or influence. He compartmentalised for sure but not for a sinister reason.
I think I am saying that I would be the same as OP but have also been on the other side of the interaction when there was nothing to worry about.

Not mentioning it isn't concealing it though. I have conversations with friends either at work or in the evening or whatever. I don't tell my husband unless he asks. Why would you talk about conversations with other people with each other (unless something was pertinent)?

If you feel that your role as primary confidante has been given to someone else and you are unhappy about it then it's something that needs to be discussed and sorted out, the gender and sexuality of the usurper is totally irrelevant.

Way too much.How do they find time?I don't feel the need to message anyone that often,including DH.I don't think that he does either.Then again could be as notnew says and we're just old gimmers.

Sounds like you found out before boundaries were crossed.
Tho I feel the fact he didn't mention anything is odd. My DH works with lots of women and if he has anecdotes from work he describes which collegue. If his work phone pings out of hours, he refers to it (not all the time but enough) If my phone pings I share relevant news/funnies. I have no one in my contacts my DH isn't aware of. Hopefully, he is the same. If I had frequent contact with someone and never mentioned it, it would be deliberate. AKA lying by omission.

Someone asked about their work, it can be stressful but not emotionally gruelling or anything that intense and they don’t really need to talk about work at the weekend and in the evening but that’s not the only thing they text about.

He does text quite a lot with other friends so that’s not unusual but I don’t think it is as consistently as with her, like he will text someone a lot in a day but then not hear from them for a couple of weeks so not contact every couple of days like with her and I don't think he calls others as much, not for such long calls anyway

Men and women cannot be friends. Not that friendly anyway.

Really, I would say don't worry about it. My dh used to text and email his female friend all the time when she lived nearby, judging from how much detail he always knew about every aspect of her daily life. They don't (perhaps strangely) text as much since she moved away, but still quite a lot, I think. To be honest I wouldn't think to check amounts. As there is nothing in any aspect on their interaction I have ever seen which makes me think they fancy each other!
And while I don't text any male friends loads at the moment, I have in the past and reserve the right to in the future!

What castlemilk said up thread, it's all been happening without you knowing, and on holiday too - I don't contact any of my friends when on holiday, or they me. I wouldn't like it and would want it to stop.