Making a good marriage out of an abusive one? Please say it is possible

[CloudLining]

A friend has confided in me about her marriage. It came up because her husband is always off with his hobby at the weekend, leaving her and her DC (1yo). She has just returned to work and is desperate to spend time as a family.

While she was telling me about it she said she hated discussions with DH because 'she didn't want him to resent her' and she 'didn't want to make him feel guilty' as he has a temper and guilt can set it off. She said she thinks he needs anger management as DH shouts and throws stuff when he is angry. She told me it would be her fault if she provoked him and he did something or threw something with her DC in the room. She said her mum says never to push a discussion with a man too far as we are 'all animals' and something might happen that would then be her fault for pushing.

Obviously, I am concerned about her. Her confidence is very low and she said she gives as good as she gets but it is apparent that her DH scares her and she's avoiding conversation with him in case he blows. My DH and hers are close, I know her DH loves her. But I can also see he is a bully.

Does anyone have advice? I think he is controlling but I can't say that to her. She trusts me to want the best for their marriage not just for her and that's why she's confiding.

oh, and it WILL NOT get better. Believe me, I've tried this for 6 years. Waste of a life.

Hi there I would like to say support her through thick and thin. She needs to leave and go to some where safe. Easy for me to say. I live with a slight control freak he tells me what to eat and not eat. He dominates the television. He walks by himself into the hills I can go with him but I do not always want to go to see the hills all the time. He leaves me for hours and hours by myself. He used to play football 4 times a week then that stopped. He does have a temper but not as bad as this man. my father used to beat my mother up she tried leaving but she always went back. he sacked her in the end. my step-father was a bully to me and in a way has taken a house which was left to me in a will which I would love to go to, to get away from my husband at times but cannot as my step-father is in it. I feel this lady needs to set up a life by herself away from this man. She probably loves him deeply but does she ask her? Does someone controlling you help you to love him? I don't love mine any more but pretend for the sake of keeping the roof over my head. I have no where to go.

Cloudlining, I have been your friend. I have a very good friend who was you in your situation. Just as the others have said, please tell your friend that the behaviour her DH shows isn't respectful or acceptable, or a good model for the children to see, and ultimately learn from. I remember very clearly my friend saying to me that some of my exP's behaviours were "not nice", 9 months before I eventually left him. She also used to say that home should be where you feel safest, and where you are most comfortable, not where you walk on eggshells and feel tense. We both knew what she meant. I also only ever told her the tip of the iceberg. She never actually told me to leave, but we've discussed that since - I had to be ready to go, and she helped me get to that point, by doing as the others on this board suggest - when your friend tells you about an incident, tell her that the behaviour is not normal or right, that it isn't her fault, only he is responsible for his own behaviour, and offer her support. Also please don't encourage her to think he will change, or that she can change him. He probably won't, and she can't.

Once I had decided to end the relationship, she was incredibly supportive. It was a difficult decision, and despite the initial relief, there followed a difficult few months as I reclaimed myself.

I agree with posters above.
You need to deal with this very gently.
Do encourage her not to take the blame, encourage her to see it is not 'just the way men are'
Don't tell her to leave but if she talks about it in any way when if it is just to say 'i could not leave him' encourage her to believe it is possible. (And to make a plan. A plan is important)

This is the most important thing my friends did for me. They let me know I would cope and I would not be alone, they were there.

I would suggest not saying anything to help her believe she can do anything that will change him. She really cannot.

I know it all sounds really bleak, black and white and hopeless but really it isn't.

Hope is a tricky thing. You need to hope for the right things.

Ironically it is hope that keeps people in DV. They hope it will get better. They hope it isn't real. They hope the nice bits are the way he really is. They hope it will stop.
First they need to lose that hope.
Giving up on your dream of a happy family is a horrible thing to do. It is hard to leave. But it can be done. And this is NOT a happy family. It is a dream. A fantasy.

Once they are free, they can truly begin to hope. Because it does get better it really does. Their hopes will no longer be wasted.

The reason so many posters on this thread are so definite is that they have mostly been there. They have wasted hopes and dreams on a lost cause.

But the posters who post regularly on MN on DV are amongst the most hopeful people you will meet. We hope she will leave. We have faith that she can and we know her life will be better.

Not all marriages can be saved. If you are hoping for happiness for your friend there is hope. Given time. But not with him.

As a friend said to me "you never know what is round the corner. If you are away from him there is at least hope you might meet someone nice. While you are with him there is no chance." Disclaimer: both she and I know being with someone is not all there is and that being with someone horrible just to avoid being alone or making a hard decision is a waste of a life.