Being a mum without a mum

[Pishedorf]

This has been on my mind lately and wanted to see how other people viewed it.

My mum died 2 years ago. Cancer. I was pregnant when she was diagnosed. She died just before my DD (PFB) turned one.

I had an awful time. PND, starting a new high pressured job a couple of weeks after she died etc.

Really supportive DH but had lost contact with all my friends since becoming a parent and being a carer for mum on mat leave.

Anyway. I feel a lot better from the PND thanks to antidepressants and I'm currently having private therapy to start really working on a lot of my personal demons.

The loss of my mum hit me so hard. She was my best friend and she was so young as well. I always thought when I had kids I would have my mum there to give me advice and shout at me for doing it wrong etc.

I always thought my children would have a Nanny who she could have been close to. My mum would have been an epic grandparent to DD as she was to my DN. Really involved and loving and just...awesome.

Those of you who have lost their mums how do you manage to be a mum without your own mum? I know you manage fine, I manage ok too. I just struggle sometimes to know if I'm doing everything right and sometimes I just bloody miss her so much and wish she was here to give me a hug.

This all sounds really pathetic. You wouldn't think it if you knew me. I always KOKO with a smile on my face and people think my grief is finished but it isn't and I'm just feeling very sad today.

You write my life.

I think I cover it well. Actually I am a shit mother.

Today it came home to roost. My mother died. My baby has gone to uni. 19 years and I have managed the loss. I have cried solidly for 3 days. I havent cried for 19 years.

It's difficult, I've lost both parents and did before I was 30. In a way I'm used to it. Try to see the positives, it can be liberating as well as upsetting x

Admit - you bought a tear to my eye. All those years burrowing your loss. I hope you're ok I bet you're not a shit mother. It seems you've been so busy being a mum and putting children's needs above your own, that you've never even greaved your own mum. Don't be hard on yourself. Life is tough - we do our best. We make mistakes. But we are trying....

That all sounds so familiar Pishedorf. my Mum died five years ago, my dd is nearly 3 and dc2 is due in two weeks. I miss her immensely, she was such a good friend and a wonderful mum. I feel so angry and sad that my children will never know her. I feel I miss out on little things as well as the obvious stuff. Things like my Dad doesn't know how much I weighed at birth, what childhood illnesses I had, how old I was when I cut my first tooth, when I grew out of tantrums. The things you want to relate to your own children.

This morning, over breakfast my daughter said she wanted what sounded like Grandums. I got her to repeat herself, but didn't understand what she meant so told her. She said grandums mummy, the lady. I asked if she meant Grandma and she said yes. She's seen her photos but obviously never met her. I had to go into the kitchen for a little sob

I am very lucky though in that I have a wonderful MIL who loved my mum and truly looks after me like a daughter. My husband's aunt is also brilliant and takes a really active role in our lives. Finally my dad's wife is a lovely person, we didn't grow up with her so she has never been a step mother to me in the traditional sense but we have a very close relationship. No one will ever take my mum's place but all three take on aspects of being a mother to me and all are wonderful grandparents to my dd. I feel very blessed to have them in my life.

My Mum died a year before we had PFB. I found solace in the fact that she knew & was happy that we were trying for children. I had all the hopes you had for her as a grandma as well. She died 23 years ago and I still miss her. My Dad has remarried and I don't have nearly the same relationship between them. In fact they weren't at all supportive when my 4 DSs were little. I am sure mum would have been. However, you get on with it because you have to. DCs didn't know any different. About the only positive was that I have friends who have clashed with their mums over parenting, but you sound like you were prepared for that anyway! Fwiw, I don't think not having a living mum makes you a worse mum.

I had, had all my 3 before my Mum died, but lost her when they were 6,3, and 10months, so the youngest 2 don't remember her at all and the oldest only has a very hazy memory - mainly from what we've told him, and photos I think. That makes me sad. I still miss her, 12 yrs on. Her sister was talking to me yesterday about some memories, and I was welling up then - even though we were talking about happy times. You never stop missing her and wishing she were still with you, but it does get easier with the passing of time, I promise you.
Others who have 'been there' for my dc have been fantastic - my Mum's sister, my Mum's best friend, and a local couple who were close to my Mum and Dad... just little things like coming along to a concert or play they were in, or getting excited with them over loosing their first tooth, etc - do let others step in and do what they can for you, it's lovely to have people who loved your Mum supporting you in life if you can.

You are still in the very early days. You MUST let yourself grieve - maybe see if you can go to some bereavement counselling as it's very easy to get caught up in looking after your baby and not making time for yourself.

This sounds very familiar to me.

My mum died 18 months ago, a year before my dd was born.
I miss her terribly and I am desperate for my dd to love me as much as I loved my mum, but so scared I'm not doing a good enough job. My mum's mum died when she was 13 and she was an amazing mum to my sister and me. So I try to remind myself that my mum was wonderful and she didn't have her mum either.

I know how hard it is to become a mum without your own. I question myself every day and wonder what my mum would think about my dd. I want to ask her so many questions. I have really bad days too and it's so hard. But that's completely normal. Try to remember that your mum's good advice will live on through you even if she's not there to give it to you herself.

Sorry my post is garbled, I'm tired! Just wanted to say you're not alone in the way you feel (and definitely not pathetic). And grief is never finished. Life just gets bigger around it.

My mum died just before I fell pregnant with dd1. We told her we were trying for a baby in the hope that it would somehow give her a boost. She was really ill with cancer.

My DMil sort of took over the mum role in my life. My dd's adored her. When dd1 was nearly six and dd2 was three cancer took my DMil too. I think it hit me more, then, that I had really lost a mother figure in my life. She was great and loved her dgd's as much as they loved her. Although I miss my mum, obviously, and wish she was here to be with us, my dds never even knew her. They did however know and love my DMil and I feel bad for them that they've lost that.

I once told a friend who had also lost her mother that she was lucky that her mum got to meet her dgc's. She said the trouble was that as her mum was dying she knew what she was leaving behind.

It's always with me that I don't have a mum to share this all with. There's always a bit of a hole in things. Not much I can do about it now though, and we have a large extended family that we see a lot of so I try and look on the bright side. My dd's see a lot of great aunts and uncles and have that older generation in their lives which I'm grateful for. They probably see more of them that some people do of their gps. But God I miss my dear mum and my dear mum in law.

You also write my life, it's a sense of loss that I can't even describe, it makes me insanely jealous of my friends who have mums still around

I have read a few books by Hope Edelman, I can thoroughly recommend her book Motherless Mothers, it does help you realise it's normal to feel the way you do, and that you are not alone

Clicked before I was ready...

My mother died when I was 25, she barely knew my DH, she didn't see us marry, she never watched me become a real adult, she didn't know she had two beautiful grandchildren ... I grieve for my loss and hers still, and that's over ten years ago

I wish the person I now could sit down with her and chat, have a coffee, talk about pregnancy, what I was like as a child, was I similar to my children - but in life we didn't get to the stage were we could talk about those things which is sad, I was too busy living my life to really get to know the woman she was, a deep regret for me

And grief is never finished. Life just gets bigger around it.

This is so true.

Probably ought to say that we still have my DFil but he's not really much of a hands on gp.

My mum died before I met my DH and three years before I had my first DC. She had been ill for many years. My MiL (who lived 200 miles away) died when DC1 was a year. Rest of my family didn't live nearby and I saw them roughly once a month.
My DF married again when DC2 was round about 2 and she was a reasonable grandma to all my DC but no mother to me.

I kind of just got on with it. I get pangs of regret every now and again -especially when DGC were born. Interesting thing is that my DD is very like her grandmother - almost a reincarnation! That can be a challenge sometimes...

I know how you feel.

My Dad died just after DS2 was born, and DS1 was 20 months. The last time I saw my dad walk unaided he pushed DS2 down the hall and back in the hospital - he wanted to take him for a walk in his pram. Ds2 is now 13.

My mum died 4 yrs ago, I am a single parent and I manage just fine, but I still miss both my parents and wish they were around to share their grandchildren growing up and meet my lovely DP who I met a few weeks after my mum died.

I only recently found out I'm pregnant. 35 so have left it a little late. My mum died three years ago and I know she desperately wanted grandchildren, but it looked as if I wasn't going to give her any. This wasn't through choice either, I just hadn't met anyone. She was a single parent and I was an only child, so we only had each other.

I'm so thrilled to be pregnant but the grief is really hard to bear now when I know I'll be bringing up a child without her. I so wish I could tell her all my news, and now I'll never hear all the stories about me and her when I was little, which would have been prompted over the next few years by things that happened with my own child.

I went to absolute pieces when she died and have only slowly got back to just about functional now - baby is helping a lot. Playing with my DP's daughter I can already see how much her parenting is going to shape my own. I'm so grateful for all sorts of things, and I can never tell her.

Sort of different for me, My mother is a nasty junkie who left and I was raised by my great grandmother since 4 months old. The cow is still around like a bad smell but I lost my gran and had to go back into care just before I got pregnant. I was really young and though I love DH and MiL and they are both really really supportive, I could have done with my mother figure - my gran. My kids could have done with her in their life and would have benefitted massively from the lifestyle she would have been able to provide them (not monetary) and the stories she would have told them.

I suppose I sort of keep her alive to them in photos and stories about her and my childhood, I have lots of her things which I use or keep out like ornaments and things so shes still part of the family even though shes not here and for 14 years her ashes have had pride of place in all my houses in whatever place we have ben posted to, she always comes with and I still talk to her about her getting to see the world this way because shed never left Scotland since arriving here from Ireland in the 20s and those were the only two countries she had ever set foot in.

Thankyou all so much for replying and un-mumsnetty hugs to you all.
Admit I'm so sorry you are feeling that way.
catsofa congratulations on your pregnancy!
iamusuallbeingunreasonable that's a big regret of mine, that I was so busy with my own selfish life that I didn't get to appreciate her completely for who she was as a person. I mean I did know but here was so much more to know IYSWIM.

Is 2 years still early days for bereavement? It's seems the general public kinda think, oh well it's been 2 years so everything is as it was. And yes, things have moved on (as you say life gets bigger around grief) but it's still raw. I thought I was wrong to not be over it yet.

We talk about my mum all the time to DD and we went through a period of making 'nanny pishedorf' stories for bedtime where my DD would go on adventures with her.

It hurts also because MIL is a cold hearted bitch who isn't there for us really. My dad is amazing and is a fantastic granddad although his grief is so palpable and I just don't know what to do for him. But family wise there isn't much else.

I am in counselling but it isn't bereavement counselling.

I'm definitely going to get that book THANKYOU.

Oh Pish

My MIL is just as yours is, she still has her mother so doesn't understand one jot what it's like, and doesn't have an ounce of tact, she's not too interested in the children either and it pains me to know my mum would have made them the centre of her world

Those days of wanting a hug, a chat or just falling apart in tears still happen for me, I don't think they will ever go, testament to the love there was between us I guess. I see my mum in my DD, she looks like her, she's got her cheeky glint

I think it would be odd if you could completely forget them, it fades so you don't think about them as much but it never goes away

Chin up x

My mum died a few months before I met my DH, his mum (who I never met) died a few months before we got married.

Honestly? I really struggle at times. DS knows what my mum looks like through photos and points her out in them, we don't have any of DH's mum. This year saw the 10th anniversary of my mum's death and the grief hit me like never before. I find Mother's Day really difficult despite DH's best efforts to make it special for me. And this year, for the first time, I realised how selfish I have been. My being a more emotive person doesn't negate my husband's grief obviously but this was the first year I realised it. When DS was really small he frequently said he saw nanny.

It's in the little things mainly to be honest. Things like DS has just started school; I have a picture of my first day but my Dad doesn't remember how I was, whether I was upset, if I liked school, my friends etc. He doesn't know a great deal about childhood illnesses I had either, what I was good at when I was younger. He wasn't really a hands on Dad, in part due to it being a more modern thing, in part due to him working off-shore for long periods of time. Another dimension is my mum lost her own mum as a child and she was the eldest so I don't have anyone to ask how she was as a small child, although I get told by her siblings that we are very similar (which is probably why we didn't get on while I still lived at home).

There are other things like I know she would have been an awesome Grandma as would DH's mum; they both adored babies and small children (my husband is one of 8!).

I get advice etc if I ask from my Auntie and we are very close (she and my Uncle took over the upbringing of my younger sisters when mum died) but it isn't the same. And that's not to be ungrateful, it just isn't.

My mum died when dd1 was 3 months old. I miss her very very much 6 years down the line, and had a good cry just last night.

I think I was too busy to grieve possibly in the early days, and it catches up with me unawares at odd times.

Dad is still living, but pretty uninvolved with my children, which is sad, my mum would have adored them.

Unmumsnet hugs to you all, its hard

Is 2 years still early days for bereavement? It's seems the general public kinda think, oh well it's been 2 years so everything is as it was. And yes, things have moved on (as you say life gets bigger around grief) but it's still raw. I thought I was wrong to not be over it yet.

It's been 36 years for me. I cried when my DGC were born. She'd have loved them (doted on babies, luckily my DB had had his children so she was a grandma for a couple of years).

There is no statute of limitations on grief.

My mum died when DD2 was 5 weeks old, and DD1 was 4.
DD1 can just about remember her - some very specific memories but not very many. I don't even have any photos of DD2 with her because she was already very ill when DD2 was born.

That's 11 years ago next month.

Most of the time I'm ok. I have my sister close by and she's great - and so is my dad.

My FIL and stepMIL are more distant geographically and in terms of involvement with the family. FIL is very elderly (80) and stepMIL although younger has no children of her own. They are good grandparents to the children but DH and I don't get any kind of practical or emotional support from them (not that we need it, but it's just not part of his family dynamic)

MIL is a whole other kettle of fish. Luckily for me she lives overseas. She has zero involvement with the children .I doubt she even knows how old they are. Only this week she sent an email to DH in which she refers to the DC as 'your daughters'. That's how close she is to them. She possibly couldn't recall their names when she wrote that.

Do I cope? Most days. I get off days. Some days are very bad. Sadly, my mum also lost her mother very young, and she once told me that, 20+ years later she was driving somewhere one day when she suddenly thought "My mum would have loved being taken out to do this kind of thing," and had to pull over in a layby while she sobbed. It hits me the same way too.

I think I parent in quite a similar way to my parents, though I'm more demonstrative (not that my parents weren't loving, but they were stoical working class post war babies and I don't think they 'did' big shows of emotion). Some days my sister and I laugh at how we sound like mum. Other days we say "What on earth was she thinking when she did that?"

I think I was too busy to grieve possibly in the early days

Oh god yes, this.
I was 5 weeks post giving birth, up every 2 hours to breastfeed a very large and hungry baby throughout the day and night. I was carried through the early weeks and months after mum died on adrenaline and oxytocin. I don't think I began to grieve according to the normal cycle for about 3 years.

Thanks for starting this thread Pish, it's been really helpful to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I, too, struggle with pangs of envy when I see daughters out shopping with their Mums. I also wish I'd had a DD, so I could at least try to recreate the good bits of our relationship. I'll have a look at that book as well, thanks IamUBU.