Urgent advice needed. Before 9pm please.

[Stuffragette]

I'm posting this on behalf of my friend who isn't a member on mumsnet but needs urgent advice and this board always has loads of good advice.

Friend has found out her dh has had an affair. Apparently dh has seen the person about 5times. Now over 2 mths ago. Also looked on Internet history of dh and saw porn and escort sites there. Been in counselling last 2 wks and her dh couldn't find anything positive to say about my friend. She's due to discuss with her dh later. She's asked him once about what happened and although basic details were provided dh didn't show real remorse. He Seems to think admission means end of problem. She feels like she's not being told the whole truth. Her dh was very aggressive when she asked to see his phone history. They're talking later, and they've already talked but she knows she's not being told whole truth. Would love all your advice/opinions on how to approach this/what to ask him?

TIA

She doesn't need to know more. The details don't matter at this point.

He betrayed her, has been found out, and is showing no desire to improve their relationship. He is not showing any remorse. It is clear he has no respect for her, and has no emotional investment in the marriage. He is not committed.

Any conversation between them should be about how to separate.

IMO

What Earlybird said....

Earlybird has it spot on...

I would say.... don't aggrevate him now.

She needs to take the time to compile evidence of his finances. He is devious and deceitful and might try to leave her in the shit.

Once she has all the info somewhere safe, she needs to speak to a very good divorce lawyer. And kick him very hard to the kerb.

yup, tell him to pack his shit up and ftfo.

he's not in the slightest bit concerned about this situation.

she needs to show him the future.

tell her to gather financial papers/details now and prtotect any joint savings by withdrawing half.

absolutely agree. The truth never comes out - trust me, I walked in on my ex in bed with another women and he kept on saying that he wasn't having an affair with her. Your friend will have to take a deep breath and understand that she will never know the full story. Now it's about splitting up.

And she needs to get herself checked out for STIs. Sorry to be blunt. Your poor friend :(

What's she hoping to achieve this evening?

He's not remorseful, he's not being open.

In her shoes, I'd be calling the shots and telling him to leave, have a long think and I would be in touch when I had come closer to making a decision about my future.

In the meantime, he would be welcome to attend counselling if he is prepared to engage, otherwise is be using the sessions to start exploring my future options.

She gets herself checked.
If they have joint finances she separates this tonight.
One of them packs and leaves.
She tells him she wants a divorce.

Why would she really want to have a conversation with him? There is nothing to discuss aside from the practicalities surrounding divorce and children if they have any.

Get a handle on the finances. Get him out. He's lying because he fears consequences. He needs to experience those consequences, or the scene just ressets.
If there is a future for them he would have to jump through hell with a target on his backside.
She needs to protect her wealth, health and happiness because he is not looking out for her now as a spouse should.

Judging from many, many threads on here and my own experience, she will never get the answers she's looking for. If he was going to try to repair their relationship he would have done it by now and would be doing everything in his power to show her he's sorry.

Thanks so much for all your help so far. I forgot to say, she has 3 dc, ds 8, dd 7and ds 4. Her husband and her have been together since school, so there is a lot to lose. Do you think that makes any difference?

This is odd. why doesn't she post herself instead of you feeding back?

Nope, not a jot of difference.

But the fact she has 3 dependent children means it is more important than ever she sorts out the finances before doing anything drastic.

He's not remorseful. That's such a worry. I would be hoping to see a broken and troubled man, begging for forgiveness. Why isn't he? There are only a few conclusions you can draw from this and none of them are very good I'm afraid. Your friend is worth more than this man. I feel for her x

Get her to read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It will either help them to repair the marriage or in my case realise they aren't prepared to do what it takes to do so. It's a good book.

His being so defensive isn't a good sign tbh. They need to be completely transparent otherwise every time she thinks she knows it all, another skeleton will come out of the closet, set her back again and damage any trust she'd started to build again. Does he want to save the marriage? If he does. She needs incontrovertible proof the affairs over for starters. Not his current behaviour.

Make sure she surrounds herself with friends.

Don't do joint counselling it won't help her, she should go alone.

The marriage is over.

He will never admit the truth.

She needs to begin thinking of herself now.

I know this is well past the deadline, but I'll say it anyway...
I was married for 24 years when my divorce came through... A lot to lose? Yes. But nowhere near as valuable as my sanity and self-respect.

This is well past your deadline, and I'm not sure why there is a deadline anyway, tbh. He can hardly call the shots.

One evenings conversation doesn't call an end to it.

Tell her to get on mn herself and post. These things take time to process and there will be many more unpleasant conversations ahead. She can talk on here. Sounds like she needs to.