Name changed as DH knows normal user name although sure he'll be checking to see if I've posted anyway as he knows I'm on here a lot.
Basically was on hols last week with DH, toddler DS and in laws. One morning I had argument with FIL about his overeaction when DS fell over. Had to dash upstairs to calm down but I was shaking with anger at the time and this was compounded by feeling like I hadn't been backed up by DH (which I know now isn't true, he was having words with them while I was upstairs). I then spotted DH's phone on the floor charging and just decided to look through it.
There's distant history before we married of him calling sex chat lines (gay and straight) and looking at porn on his phone. Stems from very difficult time at Uni for him and had been unable to kick the compulsion. We had very difficult period working through it and I thought I'd dealt with it all but clearly trust remains a bit damaged.
Anyway, I found text conversation from the day before we went away between DH and a female colleague which I sort of knew about. She had left his company the week before and he had been to her leaving do and got horrendously drunk the night before she left. I even had to sleep in spare room he was so hammered that night. She started off the texts by saying "have a great hols, get a tan for me, let's get together when you're back xx" My heart sort of stopped but the reply from DH was quite innocuous, just a bit of work gossip but he called her 'love' which I've never know him call anyone and he signed off with a X which is also very rare for him. She went on to say she missed him loads etc and to look forward to seeing him when back. He replied in a similar way, more X's and that was that. I was rattled though. When he came up to check on me I was extremely stressed and in a state - he asked what he'd done. I just demanded he log in to his work emails so that I could see everything that had ever been said between him and this girl. He looked a bit confused but immediately said ok. He then asked why. I told him I'd seen the texts but he was adamant it was just platonic and friendly. He said they'd been good friends at work, she was the only other person who he could talk to about a difficult mutual colleague and he felt a bit low that she was now gone. I just felt it was still too over-familiar and crucially she wasn't a friend he ever really spoke about at home. I listen to him discuss other colleagues all the time.
He logged into his work emails on his phone and handed it straight over. I searched her name in his inbox and opened up the first few most recent emails. The first was from DH sent the morning after her leaving do. He apologised for not being there on her last day but was paying for it with a big hangover and asking her to keep in touch. She then replied with her mobile number and personal email address. The next one was the one that hurt the most. It was from DH on the first Monday after she'd gone saying that he was feeling low, missed her lots and that she was the best friend he had in the company. It was quite pining in tone and I've never know him be that emotionally open. He said that he could easily meet her for lunch when she was settled in her new job. It made me very uncomfortable. She replied and said she missed him too and looked forward to seeing him. Lots of kisses. That was it until the text convo which I found 4 days later. I had it out with him, he was shocked that I felt anything untoward had gone on but I said that I felt like he had been heading towards getting too emotionally involved with her. I asked how he would feel if he had seen something similar between me and a male colleague. How it feels to me to find out that he has been confiding in someone else about how miserable he is at work when he tells me his day has been fine. I also asked how he thinks her DH would have felt to see such a pining email. We managed to get through the last few days of hols but I was in a state on the plane home and when we got back. We talked it over some more and he admitted how it could have looked like boundaries had been crossed and he would really not have liked it had it been the other way round. He said that he just never thought about it in that way and as he doesn't have many friends he was pleased to have clicked with someone. He said he would wait for her to get in touch this week and tell that the friendship is hurting me and why and that ithas to end. He also said he would show me her reply so I could judge for myself how she saw the friendship.
Do you think this is reasonable? Or am I being naive? My head is all over the place, I'm 6 months pregnant so not sure if I'm overreacting but I've been so anxious about him going back to work today and she's not even there anymore. It's also eating me up that if she still was there, I wouldn't know anything about it and they could've drifted into a much closer relationship.