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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help re: hubby and his mother

9 replies

mieow · 08/04/2004 10:30

This maybe long so don't feel you have to read it.
About a month ago DH was very upset after chatting to his sister on the phone. I managed to get him to talk to me and discovered that his parents had abused him and his sisters all their life, his brother got away with it (he is the golden child) his mum sat there and watched his dad beat the daylights out of them, she encouraged her eledest son to beat up his sisters and DH too, DH had blocked most of it out of his mind. But chatting to his sister brought it all back.
ABout 4 years ago, SIL told MIL had BIL was on coke and that she was worried about him. MIL refused to belive this and shut SIL out of her life, including her grandkids, the thing was BIL was on drugs and was addicted badly,but we couldn't get involved too. DH told MIL that it was all true about 3 weeks ago. She is now saying she belives SIL but refuses to do anything about it.
Also MIL and Step FIL have looked after my other SILs kids for 6 years after school till their mum picks them up. MIl used to phone me up and bitch about the kids and moan that they won't do as they are told, shouting at them while walking to me, they weren't allowed to move off the sofa, play with anything noisy, incase it woke BIL (whos 30) Now SIL has decided to move her kids to a different school and put them into the Fun factory after school, so she had to break the news to MIl had she was removing the kids from her care. MIL went bent, saying all sorts, like "You taking the kids away from me" (em.... whose kids are they??) "you lot all knew about it" We found out about it 4 days before her as SIL throught she should warn us that the sh*t was about to hit the fan. We got a phonecall while we were on holiday with the kids, with her shouting and screaming at us. We lied and said we knew nothing about it. Of course she then phoned other SIL (the black sheep of the family) and started saying she was to blame.
Yesterday while I was out MIL phoned here and started screaming at DH that it was MY fault bacause I had told MIL to get rid of the kids if they pi**ed her off so much, when she had phoned me so many time moaning about them, and that I must have told SIl to take the kids away.
Also we went out on saturday for meal with MIL+Step FIL and BIL and GF to celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary, and she satrted on about she wasn't going to make a fool of herself like SIL, who has decided to re-new their vows for their 10th wedding anniversary, and all I said was that wa a bit nasty and its SIls choice how she celebrates her anniversary, of course I ruined the WHOLE evening with that comment.....
She says I am being off with her, but is it any wonder?? I have said to DH, she ain't seen nothing yet....
Do I just ignore it all.....??

OP posts:
mieow · 08/04/2004 10:42

Anyone?? I am getting fed up with her....

OP posts:
gothicmama · 08/04/2004 10:44

Just ignore it all whatever you do or say will be wrong. Best just to offer support to anyone who asks but do not offer advise that way you can be blamed and say it is nothing to do with you (hard to do )

GrannyPants · 08/04/2004 10:45

Your poor dh. She sounds like a complete control-freak and completely unwilling to take any responsibility for her own actions.

My gut instinct would be to have nothing more to do with your MIL but I don't know how your dh would feel about that.

Blu · 08/04/2004 10:59

I think you have to stay out of it as far as possible: the whole issue about the kids is between your SIL and MIL, and If you can. I would just let MIL's uncontrolled and unfocussed anger bounce off you - she's just looking for somewhere else to hand blame, having taken the whole thing personally. In truth, I am v surprised that SIL would ever have allowed such a horrible woman to look after her kids, esp with her record of colludinng in violence. Just be relieved that the kids are better off. I don't think it will help your DH, either, if you enter into a full-scale war with MIL. Polite but uninvolved might be best: this woman obviously loves hooking people into big family feuds - so thwart her.

mieow · 08/04/2004 10:59

She likes to have full control and hates the fact that we are close to DHs sisters, she phones all the time, telling us how look after the kids, tells everyone she knows how she feels about having TWO disabled grandkids, even through she has nothing to do with DD1, she will look after DS but not the other two. She is a bit touch in the head, I'm sure....

OP posts:
mieow · 08/04/2004 11:06

Also DH sees my parents as his parents, more so than his own..... is that bad??

OP posts:
mieow · 08/04/2004 11:08

She wants us all to be on her side, and is trying to split us all up.... I know exactly what she is playing up....... I don't really know SIL2 as we haven't had chance to get to know each other, even though I have been with DH for 9 years

OP posts:
Blu · 08/04/2004 11:20

I think it's BRILLIANT that your DH has such a good relationship with your parents, and feels valued by them. Probably fuels MIL's cankered jealousy tho! What does your DH thnk? Could you both agree on a joint strategy for dealing with this horribel destructive woman? Screen her calls and only speak to her once a month/week? Just blank all her interfereing suggestions: 'yes, i'm sure you would do it that way. Good idea, we'll think about it' and then do nothing?

The thing is, if she is so hooked on control, she will stop at nothing, and will resort to trying to involve you in argumants which is also a form of powerful control. If she can manipulate you into getting het up and argumentative, that is a sign (in her warped view)of her all-powerful machiavellian influence. Which is what I would not engage with it. Think of yourself as made of Teflon every time she speaks to you.

misdee · 08/04/2004 17:27

misdee sings 'i'm rubber and you're glue, bounces off me and sticks on you!!!'

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