Warning, this is long but I think the background is necessary to explain the problem. Im a long time lurker on these boards, have no kids but enjoy reading the non child threads and dont post normally as people might think Im strange given I have no kids.
Ive known this woman nearly 20 years and weve been good friend for most of that time. Shes (lets call her J) American we met when I was at college in the mid nineties. J is 10 years older than me and on the surface is completely different to me. Shes religious, married at 18 with two kids currently about to celebrate her 30th wedding anniversary. I am not religious, dont have children, and left a 10 year relationship in 2010.
Over the years, we shared a lot. I went over to visit 2-3 times a year and was just absorbed into the family or she and I went away for a girlie long weekend (which I paid for as she never had much money and I did) and there were occasions on both sides of what happens in vegas moments where I kept things quiet that she didnt want her husband to know. Nothing was ever put on ceremony for me and I just hung out. She was very preachy albeit it not from a religious point of view but from a giving me advice all the time view. I guess she was like my older sister. I got on really well with her kids but hated her husband although I never showed it (I still cant get over him saying in front of a large gathering that if she didnt have a ring on his finger, he would have slept with someone else by now and her accepting it).
Whilst I was with my ex, she came over to visit England and hated him (although she didnt really say so at the time) and was a rock to me when I left him. E.g. I invited myself over to her s for the Christmas after I left him as I had no intention of spending it on my own. We managed to keep in touch all the time because I was effectively nocturnal (went to bed 2-3am and got up at midday) due to my exes job and that I worked from home.
Then once I lived on my own, I regulated my sleep patterns to more normal UK hours and we stopped talking quite as much. Gradually I started working on site more and more and it became quite difficult to catch up as much even by messenger etc. I think this is where the problems began. It had always been me that did the phoning as I had international calling plans and she didnt but during about an 18th month period, if I didnt text her or call her or email her, she didnt bother contacting me. I guess I was being a bit childish in saying well its your turn. After 18 months of sporadic contact I started making the effort to email more often and call but there was definitely an atmosphere.
In this period of time, I met my now husband and we are married (he has two children from a previous marriage). So this year, we took a months holiday touring around the states and specifically made plans to spend July 4th with her family. At no point did she say we werent welcome. WE were supposed to be there for four nights but ended up making our excuses and leaving after two.
On the night of our arrival, things were a little tense but I assumed that was because it had been nearly 4 years since Id been there and they had never met DH. However whilst chatting her husband says to her have you checked with xxxxx about what you can and cant say and she replied yes and everything is fair game apart from one thing and thats between her and her DH. Well of course this implied that there were things Id told here I had specifically told her not to tell DH. Whether that was the case or not, she should not have said that because DH then became convinced I was keeping major secrets from him.
On the next morning, we got up and it was clear there was not enough in for breakfast and we ended up with pancakes made from out of date pancake mix and sharing an egg. I know shes never put on a show for me but this did make me think.
Wed taken over nearly 100 of Cadbury chocolate for her and her family yet when we went out shopping for stuff for the barbeque it was clear that anything we wanted we had to buy ourselves.
Since the last time I went to visit, they had moved house and I no longer knew any of her neighbours. When we went out into the street for the 4th of July BBQ she just deposited me and DH into our chairs and wandered off without introducing us to any of her neighbours or friends and we sat there like two goldfish whilst everyone stared at us and wondered who we were.
After this, there were two final straws. He husband was even more insufferable than before to the point where the ONLY thing he would talk about was his marathon running. Start conversation on anything and within five minutes it was back to his running. The plan for the next day had been for and her to go shopping and leave DH and her H to do man things.. except there was no way I could leave DH with him as hed have said something rude due to sheer boredom. If this was the only issue I would have just told him to suck it up but I actually had some sympathy for him.
Finally, on the last evening we were there, J came up to me and asked me to tell my DH to stop hurting her son (aged 13) as he was bending back his fingers and hurting him. I refuse point blank to believe he did this as I know DH and Ive seen him around children (his own and other peoples) and there is no way he would do this. Ive also mentioned this to real life friends and they were equally as unbelieving. I merely said ok but never mentioned it as DH would have been very upset to think this was being said and frankly, by this point, we had decided to leave early.
WE decided to leave early on the Sunday morning and used the excuse that DH wasnt feeling good and we wanted to hit the road in case it turned into a migraine. AS we were packing, DH was putting the cases in the car and Js family said good bye to me. After we drove away DH commented to me that not once had they waved at him or said goodbye.
Ok, so the problem I have is I spoke to her once after I returned to England and that was ok. Then about a month ago she texted me to see if I was ok and Is aid Id call her but to be honest I havent as I have no idea what to say to herI think the friendship we had before has changed irrevocably and I dont know how to move it forward.
I hate the atmosphere although I know we cant just go back to where we were. Im hopeless at confrontation which is probably why I cant call her as I dont want to say something and start arguing. I dont want to lose her as a friend but I honestly cant see a situation in which Id go back over there since DH wont be welcome and I have limited holidays to spread around.
I just wondered if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this or how to move forward.