Does anyone's mum do this?

[oneungratefuldaughter]

I ought to be grateful but my mum in her 80s and still very with it, just doesn't seem to 'get ' me. Today she's posted a clipping from their local rag about someone I went to primary school with 50 years ago, who has had recently an old pic ( as a child) in the local rag. I have no interest at all in this girl, who wan't even a friend at school except I think we played recorder in a group at the time. I know this is so trivial but on a more serious note I don't think my mum realises how this is so meaningless to me now. I've not lived in the area for 40 years anyway, since I moved after uni.
This isn't a one-off. She often posts stuff like this, which I could access online anyway, if she told me she'd read it in their local rag, but the point is it's meaningless to me, and she can't seem to understand that my life has in 40 years moved on. Grrrrrrrrrrr! My mum seems to think I am sentimental about that time in my life but I really am not.

Well that is such a diffrent post from the OP isn't it?

I think the replies you got were in the tone of your OP - which I found quite upsetting tbh!

What Sonjadog said up thread really resonated with me: "Do you have trouble accepting that you are now the "adult" in your relationship with your mother now, OP? The whole thing about her not trying to understand you makes me thing you may still see yourself in the child role. Roles change later in life and it is now up to you to understand and adapt to your mum, not her to you. This often happens when parents become elderly."

Perhaps your mom doesn't understand your job. Mine doesn't. Perhaps she feels the gulf too - but you need to meet her half way. I don't know. And I'm sorry your sad but every relationship is a two way street (and I bet you had a sharp tongue too when you were a teenager!!)

It sounds as if both you and your Mum are on your own a lot during the day? And is if you are also finding things difficult at the moment? Maybe you and your Mum are a lot closer than it seems. How about sitting down and having a heart-to-heart? Bet your Mum would like to know that you still want to talk, and still need her advice - even though you are busy with all your own responsibilities now.

I do love her but it makes me sad that we don't have the relationship I'd like.

That's the gist of it, isn't it? You don't have the close adult relationship with your mum that you would like to have. I am the same. When I was younger, I felt angry or sad about it sometimes, especially when I saw friends and their mums who had close, warm relationships. Now I am just resigned to the fact my parents are who they are, not who I want them to be.

We talk about the weather, current events, a bit of gossip, but never anything personal.

My parents never ask me about my work, they don't even really understand what I do tbh. They like to know that I am working, have not been made redundant, but other than that are not interested.

Yy to the above. Are any of you only children? I am, and that makes it so much more poignant.

Yy to getting on with life, finding your fulfilment elsewhere, keeping lines of contact open with your dm's but not investing too much in someone who can't respond as you need. It doesn't make it any easier that she doesn't mean to hurt you (mine does have narcissistic tendencies, though I also know that they are down to a terrible bereavement in her early life which she wasn't supported through at all, so her pain and need for love remained for years.)

Wishing you all well - it's a beautiful sunny autumn day here - hope that it is as lovely wherever you are.

My grandmother (almost 80) sends me any newspaper articles that have anything to do with autism or genetic disorders because my child had them. I smile and thank her.

My DM also does this, and as others have said she is trying to keep a connection, is well meaning and I appreciate her efforts. And so I won't ever tell her that I hate it.

I was adopted and I had a tough time as a child/teen and a difficult relationship with my parents. I left home at 18, married relatively young and became the me I wanted to be. News of random people I was at school with takes me right back to that misery. But here's the thing. DM won't be here for ever, and while our relationship remains complex, it is a relationship that I choose to maintain while I still can. And so I accept that it is important to her. And say thank you.

OP do you mind if I ask why you think this gets to you so much?

Don't be so bloody mean.I wish that my mum was still here to send me press cuttings.Where's the harm.

Maras - my friend once said that to me too. However, once we had the dementia diagnosis, we realised that I don't still have my mum here. Dementia is cruel. You can see the body of the person you loved, but inside it is a stranger who looks at you but doesn't see or hear you. One day I know that she will not remember my name or recognise me either, but I will still keep on loving her and visiting her and talking to her.

You won't read this because it isn't what you want to hear. I'm afraid it does rather sound as though you want things the way you want them and disregard what you don't want without giving it a chance. You posted 'on the spur if the moment' and expect to be heard in your entirety with no detractors.

Well, some of us have a filter and are careful about what we put out into the public domain. You don't deserve to be heard op, its a privilege.

Your mum may not be perfect. My mum is probably 2/10 on the coming up with goods stakes; your mum appears to score considerably higher. Why should she fit you entirely? I don't understand why you think she should - genuinely. It is as though you feel she owes you, has a debt to pay. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't - welcome to reality, the experience of the majority. Whose mother is perfect? I don't know one.

DH's mum does this but my DM doesn't. I have always thought it is probably because having young DC was the best time of DMIL's life, whereas my DM gave up a successful career to have us and so her feelings were probably more complicated - plus DM is not at all nostalgic. I think it was better to let off steam on here OP, than have a row with your DM, who sounds well-meaning. It is frustrating when family members don't listen or take an interest, but I agree with previous posters that some people seem to be almost incapable of taking an interest in anything that doesn't relate to them personally. It is not always an age thing, either.

My grandma used to do this.
She passed away 6 months ago in her late 80s and this thread reminded me how I miss these random little newspaper cuttings and phone conversations about Lisa so and so's got married again.

Either they were things about people I vaguely knew 30 years ago or they were Daily Express articles about my job area (it used to faintly amuse me that she sent these as though it would be new, helpful information to me when I would usually have read the original scientific article).

I was very happy to engage with her on her own level and didn't really expect someone in their 80s to have much understanding of my job (having never had a career herself). I did not expect her to get me or my life I was happy just that she'd taken the time to ring or write and was thinking of me.

Would I feel differently if it was my mum though?
Maybe.
My mum and I have a different relationship where it is much more 50:50 exchange of ideas and I do value her opinions. She is in her 60s and her life experiences are more similar to mine. I also have my sister and some good friends who I can talk to on that level.

OP was your mum older when she had you? Are you an only child?
I think I do get what you are saying that you wish you had a different relationship but I guess it's unlikely it can change so probably the best you can do is to value your relationship with your mum for what it is and try to get the other things you need from other relationships eg friendships.

Jesus, just skim read, bin, and say thank you.

My mum does this. Its a bit of a pain for sure. But its your mum innit! No ones perfect.

Op. You sound rather unkind

There'll come a time you'll wish with all your heart you were still getting these clippings from her

backforgood I'll send you bits and pieces of post if you like? I like a good chance to waffle-write!