This has been done a billion times but...

[bigjimsdiamondmine]

Put simply me and my partner are in a rut, we got together young and have grown up into very different people with different ideas about what we want for the future, however we have not drifted apart as such, we don't argue and still care for eachother. I have nc for this because i'll probably end up giving away a few details about our circumstances which could out us in RL.

We got together young (16) and at that time lived pretty hedonistic lives, a lot of partying drinking etc normal teenager stuff. I never thought about children, never wanted them, never thought i could have them- this relates to ED issues and menstural and health problems etc.

We were having largely unprotected sex on and off for 3 years, (before this id been having unprotected sex with a long term partner for two years- not wise but i really believed i was infertile) then by complete surprise i got pregnant by my current partner. My partner wanted an abortion at first, i couldnt do it, he stuck by me. We have a lovely primary school age dd now. The problems are that dp is still the same person he was, still wants pretty much the same things he wanted back then in terms of lifestyle, friends and career- this is fine, he has never said any different and always been honest. But i dont. Put simply i've put a lot of problems and destructive behaviour behind me since having dd, i've had a few slip ups but i'm ready and want to put myself 100% into family life, hold down a job, get a mortage, have more kids etc. DP definitly does not want this, especially a larger family.

What do we do? :( we still get on, should i give up on the idea of a bigger more settled family and support dp in his efforts to move into the creative industry in which he wants to go? But then i have to stand back and watch him move in these circles that i really don't want to get involved in. Battling the desire to get involved in heavy drinking/drugs/Ed/destructive behaviour. Or do we split? That just doesn't feel right when we still get on fine, i don't want to tear apart dds family. There's no right or wrong in this situation i'm completely stumped. We've chatted it over loads but i just end up getting teary and depressed because i cant see a future for us together without resentment from one side or the other. Me because id like more children and stability, and him because he would like more oppurtunites for creativity, travel and an artistic career. I know no one can solve this for us but please any advice, any experiences related would be helpful. Thanks for reading this far!

How do you see your family moving on? Do you think you may end up falling into the lifestyle, or resenting your partner?
If you do get along, you can still be friends if you split up, and it sounds like he's not the homely/parenty type of person either that your child would miss that much.

Could you do a trial separation and see how you both feel?

Resentment is a real relationship killer. It festers under the surface and manifests itself as petty little arguments etc.

I think you guys want totally different things and in his defence you do have one dc which wasn't in his plans so he has compromised in a way.

I say it's time to follow a new path.............

Hi thanks for replying Lweji. Dp is a great dad, despite i guess it not being the life he would have chosen. my dd would miss him a great load if we split, even if we did weekends and holiday arrangements :( i currently do most the childcare in term of mornings, bedtimes, school runs- through my choice. It kind of feels as though dp is doing time with dd though, getting through it until he can begin the life he really wants, rather than this being enough for him like it is for me.
Dp would like to move to another part of the country, a part were there is a lot more oppurtunites for what he would like to do creatively and a lot more "people like him". However, ive been to this place a lot in my youth and associated it with drugs, drink and destructive behaviour which ive out grown. A compromise would be for dp to move there alone and see dd on weekends and holidays but we are both quite reluctant, he would like us to come with him ideally but i dont see what there is there for me, especially if i wouldnt be putting down family roots in terms of settling to have more children. I just dont know what to do.

Yeah thats the problemquitelikely, he has compromised sticking by us, and i didnt know that i would change so much having kids, but i have, and i sort of like the changes but it causes problems for me and dp in terms of future. I dont want him to get to an age where he thinks, i could have done this or that in my career if i wasnt held back. Similarly i dont want to get to the age where dd leaves home, dp is busy with career and new circles of people, and i think i wish i had more children but its too late. Tbf i still dont know if i could have more children even if we wanted to, dd seems to have abeen a bit of a fluke because i still constantly spot, and never seem to ovulate (sorry if tmi), and im currently on birth control though and have been since dd was born over 4 years ago.

The problem I see here is that if you were to move, then you might end up separating anyway, and you don't want to be left in a position where you are dependent on him and find it even more difficult to move.

More importantly, if you think you might end up with too many temptations to go back to your previous lifestyle, it can only damage your DD.

It seems like you have to "let him go" if he wants to, but it really isn't the best choice to move with him.

Yeah that is the problem Lweji, im not convinced to move with him, but at the same time we cant keep stagnating here. Im not sure he would actually go without us, which in a way i wish he would so he doesnt regret it.

Im not sure if id go back to the old lifestyle, that could technically happen anywhere, i had a bit of a hiccup when dd was about 2, stress of uni and family etc. It doesnt happen when im focused on family life, but when i try to combine it with moving forward. I feel like ive got one foot in and one foot out of parenthood because of my age and setup.

im so upset today, everythings come crashing down after discussion with dp yesterday, i just cant see us ever moving forward in any direction at all. i dont know what to do or where im going with life. yesterday everything seemed possible, now nothing does.

Thanks for the advice.

Would you not consider moving, on a temporary basis to start with, to the place your DP wants to go to? You may find that it has changed & may not be what it was when you were there before - how long is it since you were there? Lots of people live similar life styles to how you did when you were younger & before you had your DD, but it doesn't meant we are like that now. People mature, want different things, especially after having kids. It sounds from your posts that you still want to be with your DP but are afraid he's going to want a rock'n'roll lifestyle & leave you behind. But you don't know that, maybe he has matured too & won't be interested in drink/drugs/groupies! Do you not think you owe it to each other & your DD to give it a go?

I worry about causing too much disruption to our dds school if we move on a temporary basis, as she would have to change primary schools then possibly change back. I also worry that i would just crash into a horrible depression away from the few friends and family ive built up round here. We do owe it to dd to stay together though, thats how i feel, thats really the reason for all this. If we didnt have a child we could temporairly go our seperate ways to follow the lives we think we want.

I dont think hes interested in groupies or anything like that, as far as i know hes always been completely faithful. Its just the cultured classes intimidate me so much, i hate who i am around those people because i just drink too much and make tit of myself. I know i dont have to mix with them just because dp does but the lifestyle sort of dominates both our lives, and i would resent struggling to get by financially, and possibly eventually the fact that we would never have any more kids.

Thanks for the input though dubmam, anything helps, jut seeing an outside perspective. Really feel stuck at the moment. Have any of you compromisde on things you want for the sake of a relationship and not ended up with horrible resentment? I just want to know if it can work.

• compromised

Maybe it would be best if, instead of splitting up, he moved to where he wants to be and came home on weekends for the time being. You sound like you do love him, but don't want to frustrate his dreams.

As for your desire to have more children, if I counted right, you are still young so you don't have to hurry into that.

What a really horrid situation for you all.

If I were in the same situation, I think I would split now on good terms rather than split as enemies after time has let resentment settle in.

Hopefully you both move on but stay friends and both be able to achieve what you want in life. You can still offer each other support as friends and co-parents.

Thanks everyone for the input, lots of different opinions, but i guess thats good as theres not one definitive answer in these situations. If we'd have met older and made plans then we'd have probably figured this out before we got into the situation, but things just happen when you dont make plans, i guess thats why we are starting to fixate on it now- to stop either of us just drifting into a situation we might resent.

I probably am over thinking it today, im tired and hormonal.

That was one option that came up mexican, the only problem being that we couldnt afford the rent on two places :( only way round it would be if he were to crash with friends during the week or something. I am starting to doubt myself if im even stable enough for more children right now after this dip today, but it is deep down what i really want. I want dd to have a sibling, but i know she would cope without and i could manage it, i just dont want to look back and regret. From time to time i ache for more children, and some days like today i put it to the back of my mind and wonder if id even cope.

Whataloadofshite thanks for the advice, thats how i felt during the discussion yesterday, i just couldnt see how it could ever end well if we dont cut our losses now. Today i feel less confident that I could split from him and still survive. I know a split is not what he wants either ideally, both for our sake and DD. You are right though realisticly.

Sorry about ramblings and spelling mistakes, rushing the typing in between running around after dd.

But surely if you split up, you will still have to pay two rents, or am I missing something, OP?

yes but I'd be claiming student loan as a single person then so it wouldnt take dps wages into account at all, and then he would pay for his own accommodation out of his earnings. Also if needed dd and I could go on the council list/ claim housing benefit again if we could no longer afford rent outright, this isn't ideal but it would have to be done if we split. A trial would be more complicated to make a claim for, really not sure how that would work- don't think it would go down to well on the system! Crashing at a friend seems to be the best option but we'll see how it goes. thanks for all the advice. fingers crossed we'll work something out so we can all be happy, sure its possible.