Advice on what is normal

[notthatshesaid]

Sorry if this is long!

I was very ill during my childhood and didn't really see people other than my parents (who seemed very happy, but my dad was actually very controlling and demanding and they were happy because my mum did massive amounts of compromising and placating him). I've had one serious relationship as an adult (quite a few shorter ones, but the guys were so badly behaved I called them off quickly).

I find I just don't know what to expect in a normal relationship and I'm scared of getting them all wrong. I've read so much on here about how bad some relationships are, and have done enough internet dating to come across some grade A shits. I seem to be very suspicious of people, and just want to meet someone 'perfect' and then have felt continuously disappointed when I've realised how horrible many men are. (I appreciate internet dating is good at making you very cynical)

Anyway, long story short I've recently met someone. He's amazing; kind, hard working, interesting, clever, and pretty gorgeous. Very smitten with me; has been driving 1.5 hours regularly to see me, phoning me every night. He's said he's fallen far too fast for other girlfriends and so wants to take things slowly, so we're just meeting up at weekends, and trying to be honest with eachother about issues/past relationships etc. It's been a bit amazing really!

I just find myself waiting to find out what's 'wrong' with him. I don't know how much compromise is to be expected in a good relationship. For example, I know he was abandoned by his Dad and although he's much more ok with that now, it has left him alternatively feeling needy and scared of committing in case he gets abandoned again. He seems to have done some work on it though. On Saturday there was a mix up with me thinking he was coming over at 4pm and him thinking I'd said 'come over anytime after 4' so he turned up at 7. My brain just went 'here you go, he doesn't respect your time.' Actually he would have turned up an hour earlier but his window fell out his car and he drove home to get tools to fix it so he could get to me. He shared something personal with me when we were talking, I went to say something and he interrupted me (he's done this a few times) and again I thought 'he doesn't listen!' when, hello, he listens the rest of the time. I feel totally confused as to whether other peoples' partners are great in every way (I know rationally that can't be true) or whether every relationship out there involves accepting faults even when you're head over heels with someone and have found 'Mr. Right' (writing that down my brain is going 'of course!'). I just feel other people have had adolescent relationships, they've dated through their twenties. They're realistic. They know what is a good relationship. My gut instinct says this guy is really special and I am very lucky to have met him but that of course he's human and as I'm getting to know him of course he's going to let me down occasionally/be selfish. He's human.

I'm just so scared I have no idea how to do this!! Every adult has some issue, right? Some more than others, but no one is completely sorted and perfect and considerate and gets everything right. I feel completely overwhelmed!

Do you have a best friend? I think, if you strip away all the ideas of 'Mr Right' and 'The One', a good partner is someone with whom you can feel as relaxed and happy as when you are with your best friend, but who also has that little bit extra in the form of sexual attraction.

No-one is great in every way, we all have different tolerances and we all have faults. If you are honest about what those faults are on all sides and still enjoy each other's company and respect any differences that's about as good as it gets. On the other hand, if you discover that the other person has some small idiosyncrasy that irritates the bejeezers out of you or has you feeing upset or resentful... that's probably the moment to part ways rather than waste too much time hoping it'll magically get better.

Keep getting to know them ... keep your standards high. Good luck

I do have a best friend, and she's pretty great! I felt like that with my ex; he was my best friend, the person I wanted to share everything with and go to first with everything, whether good or bad. I felt very at ease with him but fancied the pants off him too.

I already feel very relaxed with this new guy, very safe with him. I think it's still very early on, so we're still getting to know eachother, so I guess I can only keep seeing him and see if that is how I feel with him as time goes on.

Thank you, Cogito, you've actually made this feel much clearer and simpler.

Cogito that's such a good analogy. Dp is that. Exdh is the friend but no benefits

Best of luck OP, dating is bloody hard work. Far too many fabulous women but not enough even half decent men. IMO of course.

What happened with your ex?

My ex was great, but he hid the extent of his mental health issues. After the first few months he became iller and iller and refused to get any medical help. I did my best to keep him going but it was making me ill, so I had to end it. It was very sad, but it turned out another relationship had ended for the same reason, so I figured he wasn't going to change.

He went from being very wonderful to someone very selfish, who wouldn't wash, went out drinking with his mates for hours, someone who forgot my birthday, wasn't able to come and see me for more than one evening a week. He was nothing like that when we first met.

If a relationship ultimately fails it doesn't necessarily have to be someone's fault. Things happen, there are stresses, people can get complacent and it's sad when it doesn't work but that's life. I don't really hold with ideas such as 'trying to make a go of it' because that always sounds far too contrived and hard work. Small efforts and considerations, doing kind things for each other, thoughtfulness, not taking people for granted.... should be all that's required if you're with someone you genuinely love and who genuinely loves you.

About this 'not listening' situation. If he was saying something very personal to you, something he was very emotional about it's possible that he just couldn't stop if you know what I mean. Maybe it was painful for him and he just needed to get the words out?

I think you just have to do what he is doing and go slowly. It's impossible to be 100% sure of what a partner is like before hand no matter how careful you are.

OP, maybe the latter description of your ex was the real him? A lot of people, women included, put on a front at first then the truth comes out. It's a shame he has MH problems but you did right.

Iconfuseus, yes think he was saying something very emotional, and was caught up in the moment; his mind was on that rather than me. I was trying to say 'I relate to that because...' and share something but he felt the need to say a bit more. He has caught himself doing this once and said, 'oops sorry, I can be rubbish at listening,' so maybe if he's aware he does it that's good. He isn't someone who just talks about himself, he's asked me lots about myself and listened then.

Freakin, yes I think so! I mean, he was a lovely person, that was real; his depression was just very severe. It was sad but I don't doubt it was the right thing to do, life is too short to be that unhappy. Would have been different if he was prepared to get help.

Maybe just take a step back and enjoy this for what it is? And if it becomes something durable then that's a bonus.