Another nail?

[Boredshitless]

OH and I have spent the whole weekend arguing, I will actually be glad to get back to work.

Part of the ongoing issue, is I feel that he never drives anything. But then complains about what we do.

The examples this time are, he works too many hours, because we need the money. I said but take your day off, we can afford that. We are not rolling in money but have a good lifestyle, going abroad in January, decent car, paying down mortgage.

His response was, we can't afford it, the kitchen needs doing, it should have been done years ago. That is rubbish, yes if we had loads of money the kitchen would be great being replaced, but it's not desperate. Last time it was our car was the cheapest about, it's not, we bought a brand new car, it's small, but not the smallest. He uses the car about once a week only, I'm more than happy with it for work. I get I. It every morning it never lets me down, this is a non issue. He is so discontented with material things.

So I said, if you want the kitchen replaced, start getting ideas of cost, how you think you would like it replaced etc. without these we cannot even contemplate affording it or not. He won't do this, he never drives anything, be it weekend plans, holidays or what to eat for dinner. So, I am tasked with getting a kitchen replaced, that I don't think needs it for 2/3 years. I won't do it though, he wants it this time, he does it. Not me!

All of this sort of stuff is left to me, I am bored of doing it, bored of decision making and bored of thinking for us.

I book and suggest every holiday, invariably during the next row, he will tell me he doesn't want to do it, only did it for me. I have arranged a holiday to thailand, given him the itinerary, got a few yeah nice, he's not looked at the hotels, the places we are staying nothing, last part of the holiday was changed, so on a different island, he's not looked at that either. I am MASSIVELY excited at the trip, put loads of thought into what we both like to do, he is not a lie on the beach person, so lots of trips, but then he puts a downer on it by saying he's not that bothered.

So, the other thing we had been doing lately is cycling at weekends, I need to lose a bit of weight, it's a cheap, healthy pastime, he has a very physical job, I won't deny, but he now says he wants me to try cycling on my own. Obviously I can do that, I can understand he might be tired etc, but I'll be honest I think we need to do things as a couple, kids are grown up and otherwise what do we share? I got the I only do it for you to deal with your weight issue and if you didn't have a weight issue then we would not be doing it. Previously we would walk a lot, got s dog but he wanted to stop that also,again he only did it for me.

I am more than willing to try anything he suggests at the weekends, but he just puts obstacles in the way, won't suggest anything, won't arrange anything.

Maybe he just wants to sit in watching telly, putting his feet up, but maybe he should say this and then I can make a life of my own? I'm not ready to be that person. I feel we could have years of doing things together now, as I said before we are financially able to do a bit.

So, to summarise, he doesn't want to share my suggested pastime at the weekends, he doesn't want to suggest one, he doesn't want to take a day off work, he will accompany me on holiday, but no suggestion or real interest......I don't think this man wants to be with me really?

I'm tired of trying to make a life for us, I am happy to go cycling on my own, there is also a cycling club that I have made tentative enquires to (bit scared I will hold them back currently, but if my speed improves, I may join).

But we will grow apart, I know that. I love my husband very much, but he won't as far as I can see put in the effort for us to lead a life that's at least a bit interesting.

Sorry that's very long! X

Sorry just to add I deal with all finances, so if I say, woah we need to reign spending in a bit, then he starts saying we've got no money. But I call that budgeting? I will only say things like, we have eaten out a lot this month, so let's not eat out for a couple of weeks. There is nothing major and I am sure that he says it because he wants to explain the not taking his day off and how I should be grateful.

He knows we have no major financial issue, look at our lifestyle, we are lucky!

I don't know what to suggest, but I really feel for you. He sounds a lot like my XH who would be dissatisfied with anything and everything, but rarely did anything to improve it. Holidays like you, I was always the one researching, planning, booking, packing and then he would moan that things weren't to his liking. He then said he wouldn't bother going on any more holidays.

We also used to run and cycle together, he would 'tolerate' the joint activity, but then go off again on his own once I got home, so in the end we didn't bother going out together as I felt like I was substandard, just the warm-up act!

For me the final nail was when he said he didn't need sex any more as now he had his fitness hobbies so although I hadn't been that fussed about it before, I realised that it was never going to improve and I left him. How are things in that department? Is he as lacklustre in the bedroom as he is in the DIY department?!

Fwiw, I was much happier once I struck out on my own, took my DCs away for a few days at a time and had a lovely time without worrying about H's moods spoiling it, I've also met a lovely man who enjoys spending time with me, who does all the organising for holidays (& enjoys it!) and who helps out with planning and cooking meals or suggests takeaways/eating out if I can't be bothered!

I don't want to say LTB based solely on what you've put here, but if you're not happy together you can start to find your own path and live as if you're single until you decide if it's the right thing for you. Once you stop relying on someone else for your entertainment and happiness it is quite liberating!

Seems to be control issues going on here.

On the one hand you micro and macro manage everything- but he also appears not to like 'doing as you say'.
I have the impression he is rebelling a bit - he can't be bothered or lacks interest in the home, holidays, doing things at weekends- and resents you organising them and him.

Do you discuss things like holidays before you go ahead and book them? Can you gauge his interest at that stage? If I were you I'd be suggesting a holiday and if there wasn't equal enthusiasm then I'd leave it.

The problem is that you have been doing all these things for ever I bet. So what's changed now? Why are you suddenly fed up?

How long have you been married and how old are your DCs?

Omg Penelope things are not good in bed either.... X I get the "we're not teenagers!'

I'm on my way to work now but reply more fully later!

I think you're right. You're growing apart because he doesn't want to do the same things you do, and um ... it takes two to really build a relationship, not just one and I'm sorry but it sounds like he doesn't particularly want to be with you :( I'm sorry.

It sounds like you need to give some serious thought as to life on your own to get used to the idea and mentally prepare yoruself for his decision either way.

Then, put an evening apart to sit down and talk with him. Ask him what he wants and make it clear that at half-hearted-at-best relationship is not what you want. That you love him but that he seems to want to do anything but spend time with you. He might say 'but im doing all this for you' but he's not. What you want is time with him, and he's not providing you with that. He's building the outside wall around the castle but forgetting to build the keep. I think you need to make that clear.

He owes you the honesty to say what he really wants and then act on it, to be with you or to leave. Hopefully he'll choose you.

Just one (hopefully useless) warning: be prepared for him to say he wants to be with you and then slide back into his old ways simply because he doesn't wnat to make hte effort to build a new life.

I still think you need to take on board that he may resent you being the 'manager' of your relationship. some men like to feel useful in more ways than just earning the money- do you give him the opportunity to do that or have you taken over all the decisions without really asking him to contribute to them?
I'm playing devil's advocate here to give you the chance to see what could be another side to this- that he is really tired from working so hard, doesn't have much energy, ( possibly health issues?) but at the same time he feels emasculated because you run the show.
Just another angle to consider.
Doesn't mean his behaviour is justified but trying to think about what's behind it.

How long have you been together? This all sounds like the death throes of a relationship characterised by 'too bad to stay together, not bad enough to leave'. The word 'bored' seems to come up a lot.

My exh was like this, he never ever showed any interest in doing anything either together or as a family. He'd go to places with us when I suggested and arranged them but it always felt like he resented having to come along.

All he ever wanted to do was watch football on TV or once a week he'd go for a drink with his friends.he never took the kids out by himself, he never suggested a night out, he never suggested holidays.

We've separated now as we were just so completely different in our outlook & we resented each other by the end.the thing that upsets me though is that he said he never felt part of the family. He said it always felt like it was me & the kids with him on the outskirts looking in and feeling left out.

It upsets me because i couldn't have done any more to try to involve him in family life. All I ever wanted was for us all to do things together but he just wasn't interested. You can't make people be something they aren't, and he just isn't a 'do-er'

It's worth speaking to him though as he may harbour resentment and feel somehow left out. But only he can change that, find out what it is he actually wants from life.

Is it an age thing? My DH is getting like this, I'm 9 years younger than him and seriously wondering whether I should give up on him and start again. Actually I think he was always a bit this way but age has exaggerated it or I've got more sensitive to it .

I was quite surprised having read the majority of your post that you put near the end,
I love my husband very much.

It sounds like you find him hard work! He says he only does things for you... yet won't take the initiative. It's like a pair of grudging housemates.

Were you a mismatch at the beginning?

To answer the questions ....

Been together for 30 years, DCs 22 and 20.

I always really try and encourage him to choose holiday venues and would honestly give anywhere he wanted a try. But he has no interest and no input!

Yes, I suppose we want different things,sad but true.

As the saying goes, you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink

I will try and talk with him again, not just yet as after such a dreadful weekend I think he will just be obstructive!

Oh a separate note, I have found a cycle route that I would like to try, I will do this on Sunday morning. I'm also cycling to and from work twice a week. The cycling makes me feel good about myself and I like the fresh air. Maybe some distance between us may make the time together calmer.

I feel sad that we are healthy and able to do stuff and can't find any common ground.

.

Perhaps you had something good to begin with, it’s just hard to re-capture after years of raising the family and day-to-day domesticity.

things are not good in bed either....

In that case you have lost your intimacy, sex, closeness, as well as shared interests? No shared experience that feels genuine, spontaneous.

Try something different, less talk, more action. Every day for a week, make the first move. Three times a day, kiss him, touch him when you happen to walk by, re-establish some physical contact.

Next time you do talk with DH, suggest you both try to focus on what is right in the relationship, not what’s wrong. Write down the things you like about each other, and think about them often.

30 years is a looooong time! To be honest I'm always amazed that anyone can still be 'in love', sexually attracted to each other and the best of friends after so long.

It obviously does happen, as many on here will testify, but being lucky enough to find someone with whom you are that compatible seems like such a fluke, I'm actually surprised that the divorce rate isn't higher. Sorry to sound so negative, I'm just impressed that you've made it to 30 years tbh!

I can see why the thought of leaving him would be very daunting and not something you'd do lightly, but do bear in mind that it is always an option and it doesn't need to be done with animosity. My ex and I were only together for half that time, but we still get on well, we spend birthdays and holidays together with the DCs and co-parent amicably, we just chose not to live together anymore as I wanted the opportunity to find someone who enjoys spending time with me.

I think all you can do is to spell out what you need to make you happy, ask him to do the same and see if you both want to make the effort to make that happen. If not, then don't feel bad, you've provided a stable and loving home for your DCs as they've grown up, now that they are old enough to be self-sufficient it's time to start putting your own needs first and if that means separating, so be it. You can both still be there to support your DCs and if it's sorted out properly there's no reason why you can't still get on well enough with your H to avoid any awkwardness at family occasions.

You obviously have lots of energy and motivation to do things and there's nothing worse than having that sucked out of you by someone else's negativity.

Have you asked him outright if he would rather spend the money on a holiday in Thailand or a new kitchen? His answer, if you listen very carefully over a period of a few days, might be informative.

Because I think pinkfrocks may have a point. Although I could be way off the mark.

Love is largely in your head, isn't it? Convincing yourself that you still want to be with the other person, doing things to keep up the relationship (as you have), focusing on their good points. It does sound like your husband has given up on these things for whatever reason - if anything, as if he is convincing himself that you don't share interests. Might he be trying to find reasons that justify an affair / leaving you? How is your motivation?