Guilt. He's been taken in to hospital. Liver failure. I've left.

[helpmekeepstrong]

I feel guilty. I can't help it. I'm in a Refuge and heard today that my husband has been taken, by ambulance, to hospital. He has liver failure and my stepson called them. I left him 7 weeks ago. My husband seems to be severely malnourished and his liver is failing. He's only 40. We have been through, together, several bouts of this and I have always been there to pick him up and nurse him better. This time I'm not. I'm here. Miles away. I can't go back and help him this time. Not again. Three times he's gone yellow, and each time I've nursed him back. Now I can't do it anymore. I'm so sad. I don't want him to die.

But you ended up in a Refuge.
It doesn't look like he took care of you. :(

He is not your responsibility.

If you're in a Refuge then I'm sure you're there for extremely compelling reasons. How he decides to destroy his life is not your fault and it's not your responsibility either. It is sad but it's not your doing.

Live your life. Be happy

By leaving him and going into a refuge you saved the only person in your power to save. Don't give that up. I know it's hard to switch off feelings of responsibility and ties of affection. But you didn't do this to him. He did it to himself.

This is not your fault. You are in a refuge for a reason. You need to not be hearing what is going on back there - you've had to flee your home.

You can't fix him. If you needed any more evidence, you've already tried three times and it didn't work. He's made his choices, and the important thing for you now is to focus on you and making your life better.

Focus on letting go - I'm assuming the refuge is working through your recovery with you.

If you're in a refuge you're not there on holiday are you?

You're there for a reason and that reason's your ex-husband, yes?

You haven't put him where he is. He, however, has put you where you are.

"clouts and thumps and things thrown at me and locked out in the cold and made to sit still and quiet and so on.. "

I remember your other thread, see. He did that. He chose behaviour which has lost him his family and caused him to feel sorry for himself, not you.

Put yourself first. Just this once. You're not responsible for this adult, you didn't cause his problems, you can't control his behaviour and you can't cure him. Only he can do that.

You can look after you and rebuild your life with your daughters. Be their mother, not your abusers nurse and punchbag.

Keep strong, keepstrong.

A drinker or user? They are choices and your refuge, your safe place is deserved and needed. Feeling guilty shows humanity but also codependency, you didn't cause this and aren't responsible. You don't want him to die but he has to choose to live, your can't do this for him.

I hope you have support from people who know what this has been like for you - am sure it has been tough for a long time.

hoobypickypicky I was doing so well, too! The sun was out today! Seven kids under the age of seven in a tiny three bedroomed house - and none of the children mine! You're right.... this isn't a holiday, but we all get on and muck in, as it were. Take care of each other. Made me feel cold to see you quote 'clouts and thumps....' I tend to forget for the sake of survival. But it was terrifying sometimes and I was afraid for a lot of the time. I'm not going back. Next Wednesday, I have to go home and collect some of my things. Things that mean something like my Mum's sewing machine. (can't remember a time in my life when she wasn't zuzzing away on it making us clothes). Photos. And the things that I just can't afford to replace like pots and pans and winter clothes. My good friend is taking me and at least now we won't need the police escort and I won't have to meet his eye or hear the abuse. Plus, Yeay! I get to stay at hers that night and so will see my little dog! Thank you hooby. x

Just have a hug, helpmekeepstrong. Keep strong. Not your responsibility any more.

tribpot the refuge is very short staffed, but they are quite brilliant and their support is fantastic. I'm amazed that they have so much time to spend with me when there are women with children here that would need so much more time. How they manage to deal with us all is a wonder, frankly. I never ask, but they just appear - asking 'How are you, today?' and they really want to hear your answer.... more than 'I'm fine'. they really want to know and hear.

Lweji He did.... and he didn't. You make sense Lweji.

OP You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. he is responsible for his own behaviour and choices.

Thank you all, once again. Going to bed in a better frame of mind. Helping to take the babes to playgroup tomorrow and off early. Nite x

Twats who are ill have one thing in common: they're twats.

I'm still thinking of you keepstrong and hope the collection of your belongings goes smoothly.

Keep posting, we're here and listening.

I was on your previous thread KeepStrong.

Don't feel guilty. He has done this to himself.

You have to concentrate on nursing you better, after the years of abuse you've suffered. He has the professionals looking after him, he will be cared for. But he isn't your problem now. You've escaped. Don't let him drag you back under.

Keep Strong! :)

OP, maybe rock bottom will make him see sense or maybe it won't. As everyone else will say it's not your fault it's his. My mother was an alcoholic for years, a very vicious nasty one to boot, I personally (and i may get flamed for this but i really dont care) believe its a very very selfish addiction, they take so many people down with them. Rebuild yourself, feel pity, but move on.