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Original poster

SIL is having an affair

14 replies

crazylady321 · 21/09/2014 23:39

Its none of my business really but been chatting on whatsapp to ohs sister most of the night and shes just randomly told me shes developed feelings for an old school friend, after months of txting and flirty messages she has been meeting up with him for the last 2 weeks whilst the kids are at school and husband at work. Im really surprised they seem so happy and shes the last person you would think shes first to judge others.

Heres my problem shes then appologised for burdening me with it and that I have to delete the messages and not tell her brother. I am of course going to respect her wishes but going to feel very awkward now knowing this. Fed up everyone tells me there bloody problems like I havent go enough to deal with.

I have been in a similar situation with friends cheating and although not happy about it I have kept it to myself, its just this is too close to home I dont even know why shes told me ffs were not even close we get on and have a bit of a giggle and gossip at family dos but thats a bout it really.... So annoyed!!

Surely alot of you must of had to deal with similar things how did you all go about it?

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 22/09/2014 06:07

Why did you agree to keep this secret for her?

If/when the whole affair is discovered, there will be massive fallout in your family. Would SiL ever say 'oh but crazy's known about this for months'?

magpiegin · 22/09/2014 06:33

I wouldn't keep this a secret. Imagine the fallout? Tell her brother.

Montegomongoose · 22/09/2014 06:46

You're right, it's not your business. What will it achieve telling her brother?

You aren't privy to the intimate details of her marriage.

You could reply and say she's put you in a difficult position and you'd rather she didn't tell you any more, and then get on with your own life.

It's really not your position to be telling anyone.

Hope you manage to put it behind you, it was unfair of her to burden you, but it sounds as though she's a bit immature.

AuntieStella · 22/09/2014 06:57

SiL made it's OP's business when she told her.

She also interfered in OP's marriage/LTR when she asked her to keep secrets from her OH. That is not a fair request, unless it was made before she told you anything.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2014 07:09

I think it was a mistake to agree to keep her secret. Have no idea why she told you such explosive information, but anyone that indiscreet IME is usually gambling on word getting out.

doziedoozie · 22/09/2014 07:21

Find out who he is and tell his family - then nothing might be tracked back to you Grin....
or do nothing.

Castlemilk · 22/09/2014 10:26

HAVE to delete the messages and not tell her brother?

No, you don't. That's the rub when you're cheating...

'Her brother' is first and foremost your husband. And whether you want to drive a wedge into your relationship by keeping a secret like this is your business alone. Me? I wouldn't. Could backfire badly - 'Actually, Crazy's known all along, she clearly didn't think it was too bad, she didn't even tell Bro!' - um, I wouldn't want my marriage to have to face that, I'm afraid. Not for the sake of keeping a cheater's secrets.

I'm not saying you take out a front page ad, but no way would I keep this from my H.

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 22/09/2014 11:08

OP I feel your pain. My own sister had to confess an affair to me when the OM contacted me and started to spill his guts. I wanted to kill them both there and then. I spoke to her about it all, i told her it had to be as i wasnt going to facilitate the lies etc. I told the OM by telling me this he was selfish and was doing this for his own gain (whatever that was). i never heard from the OM again and and she swore it was all over.

I hate knowing this info and know the fall out from it will be huge if it ever came out, however i have come to the conclusion that i will deal with the fall out if and when it ever arises. Its not my info to tell and i cant make someone do something they dont want do and if it does come out i just hope that others will see the shitty position i was put in through no fault of my own.

Maybe your SIL is looking for someone to 'talk sense' into her. Its a hard conversation to have but if you can manage it then it might be worth while.

Original poster
crazylady321 · 22/09/2014 17:08

Hello thank you for your advice it is truly appreciated :)

After sleeping on it I decided I am going to tell me oh he will probilly call her an idiot etc but at end of the day theres not alot he can do about it, I cant see him running to her husband as he is very loyal to her they are very close, I do think he will be extremely disapointed in her though. Will wait until hes home from work as not seen him all day.

I was very taken aback last night as we were talking about something totally unrelated though, I wish I had just said at the time but I kinda felt rail roaded she must of senced I was uncomfortable as I never asked any questions or wanted any juicy gossip as why she appologised. Ive had a quick message early saying thanks for the ear yesterday chick and that was about it. I just sayed ok no worries and that was it, I didnt want to feel like I was making a convo about it instead she carried on chatting about it.

I also have not message the messages, not deliberately deleted them but got sistracted so never did get round to it will be showing the oh when I do talk to him about it.

Will keep you posted anyway to his responce x

OP posts:
Original poster
crazylady321 · 22/09/2014 17:09

*DELETED THE MESSAGE, Oh deer sorry not with it :)

OP posts:
Castlemilk · 22/09/2014 17:25

Good choice. Tell him, tell him you don't care what he does with the info and won't judge him either way - YOUR only concern is that you wanted it to be 100% clear that you were NOT going to keep something like this from him and you didn't want to end up dragged into anything.

Job done.

Timeforabiscuit · 22/09/2014 17:32

Been in a similar situation with a friend, and it was a very shitty position to be put in. Of course it came out and of course my name got dragged into it.

It has made me very wary of being put into that position again, I would talk to my husband about in future ( in the event he didn't give a monkeys who was shagging who, I was the one tying myself in knots about it!).

I get the feeling that it was the drama that the people involved craved, the sooner it was out in the open the better.

kaykayblue · 22/09/2014 17:59

I agree that it isn't something you should keep from your husband. It affects him as well, and of course, if she really didn't want it getting to him then she wouldn't have fucking told you!!

My best is that she is hoping you will tell your OH (which you should) and somehow it will eventually trickle down to her husband.

A very cowardly, snivelling way of avoiding having to tell him herself.

Original poster
crazylady321 · 22/09/2014 21:56

Well I told him and he was very surprised and shocked that she had told me since we not that close really, showed him the messages and he wasnt impressed. He had a little think and has said that we both just stay out of it (which suits me) shes made her bed and she'll have to lie in it was his words. He said hes not going to let on he knows but he might change his mind I dont know.

Hopefully she wont mention it to me again and maybe she will come to her senses and end the affair only time will tell

OP posts:
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