I feel like a birch just writing this and I am sorry if it's long winded. I don't think I love my husband anymore. I avoid sex like the plague, he irritates me 80% of the time, I feel like I just can't please myself be he is always asking me what I am doing. I recently had to take time off work with anxiety so I have spent 5 weeks with him and now I just feel like I don't really know why we are together. We have very little in common and if I am completely honest I have never really been in love with him.
When we met I was on the rebound with 2 kids, his mother preyed on me to let him move in because she thought him being with me would bring her estranged husband back so we had only been seeing each other 17 days when he moved in. 5 months in I fell pregnant. By the time the baby was born he had reverted to his old heroin rabbit and I ended up desperately trying to save him, things were bad but then he got treatment and we got married (I don't really know why if I am honest, I was 26 with 3 kids and I just wanted stability I guess. Years passed we had another surprise baby, I went to uni and got a degree which he reminds me I would never have been able to do without him, the heroin was on and off for years then about 8months ago he was up to no good again stealing from me and the kids so I applied for a job 100 miles away in a rural area hoping it was the last ditch attempt to get him clean. He has stayed clean except for when we go back to visit family and he can't help himself. I want to go back as I miss my family too much and my eldest son is living with my parents as in year 11. But I know he will start using again and this time I want out.
He isn't a bad man he just has issues that I am tired of dealing with, and I just want to be me instead of having to consider someone else all the time. I have a job interview coming up back home soon so if I get it I will go back, if I am going to leave him I need my family and friends. I know his family will try and grind me down like they have all the times I have tried to end it before. I just don't want to wake up in 20 years feeling like I lived my life for someone else.