Can anyone tell me what it will really be like?

[LakelandLassie]

I am just about to start along the road to divorcing my H. Married 16yrs with 3DC. I told him 4wks ago that I 'was done feeling sad, done feeling let down and disappointed and that I wanted a divorce'. There is no joy at all in our marriage. His response- I am just being silly because I am tired/hormonal/depressed because I am not currently working. We have barely spoken since.
He is not a 'bad' husband, just a very selfish and thoughtless one. For me, we live separate lives now; no common interests, sit in different rooms most evenings and communication is mostly bickering. I have become a housekeeper more than a wife.
I have had some legal advice (friend=lawyer) and have an appt to see a solicitor in family law next wk.
I believe that we have to be 'separated' for a year before the divorce proceedings can begin .We are in Scotland so the law is slightly different I believe.
Given my H's response so far, I don't believe for one minute that he will move out. Moving out is not an option for me and the children. So my question is- if we stay in the same house but are 'separated', what will it really be like? What day to day practicalities did you find hard/easy to deal with?
I am desperate to try and keep things as smooth as possible for the DC although the older ones are well aware that H and I don't like each other very much!
I hope that makes sense and any advise welcome before I make the leap into the unknown.

It's going to be hell on earth. While you're still sharing the same home he can pretend that your relationship is not at an end, and can continue to be ten times as selfish and a hundred times more thoughtless. Those two qualities completely negate any notion of being a "not bad" husband.

I was in a very similar situation, husband refused to believe I wanted divorce. My advice would be that if you continue along the legal route he will have to believe it sometime. Meantime, as you appear to live separate lives in the same house, and you are not working at present, just carry on doing the usual household chores. Yes, even his washing! It really is more trouble than it's worth trying to do otherwise. If you had both made a decision to live separate lives in the same house for the time being, then you could negotiate a mutually acceptable split of duties. For my part, we just fell into the usual division of chores. From what I read of your post, you don't sound at your wits end; and as you want things to stay calm for the DC, there seems no point pushing the issue: the legal process will do that. Things will probably change when he gets legal stuff in the post, but my situation wasn't the same, so I can't offer any advice about that. Good luck and I will follow the thread

Thanks Bitter. Thought I may be being a bit naïve. Feel a bit stuck. Know I cant stay in a loveless marriage 'for the sake of the children' but cant seem to find a way that will make it as stress free as possible for the children./emo/te/3.gif

I disagree about the washing. I don't know how separation works in Scotland, but in England I had to prove we were effectively living separate lives (insofar as one can in a small house with children in common), which included not washing or cooking for each other. I strongle recommend some legal advice.

strongly, obviously.

Read Bitter's post after I had posted mine.. If it's like that, just keep calm and carry on, as they say. You will be rid of him eventually. Just focus on the better life you will have in the future.

You only have his responses so far. There may a come a point in the near future where, if you properly divide your lives and his becomes a lot more uncomfortable, he may decide that living on his own is preferable. You should also consider the children, of course. The other conversation to have is that, whatever you both feel about each other, if you stay under the same roof it has to be done wholeheartedly and cheerfully. They already have front row seats to what sounds like a domestic Cold War and that's recognised as being a very damaging way for children to grow up.

Cog is right. I have been in this situation myself and so have friends.

Usually once they realise that you have actually issued the divorce petition and you aren't going to get back in your little box, they will make plans to leave as they don't like the loss of control.

If DH is the sort who likes everything done for him you will have to be replaced, and so he will probably be on the dating sites asap and will move out when he has lined up a suitable candidate to take over your duties.

Good luck.