From being abused to being the abuser?

[goldsilver]

I have spoken here before...partner's snoring, difficulties with his family and his routines, and his non confrontational ways. I have said how much I love him and that he loves me too. I am an intelligent woman but through what I have been through in my life; traumatic childhood, several abusive relationships, etc, etc, I have a tendency to over-react.
Yesterday, OH's sister unfriended me on facebook, and I over-reacted. I saw this as a test, for my OH to stand up for me and he tip-toed around texting his sister, taking him several hours to simply ask her directly if she had a problem with me (as we have suspected before that she has, and my OH says I don't deserve her being that way with me). I just want loyalty in a relationship and my OH hates to upset anyone (though, that can be me, as in this case). So I got really mad, said a few things. Told him he was weak; threatened to leave him. Bad I know. Eventually he showed me some stuff he printed out at work about emotionally abusive relationships! And I fitted some of the criteria! The way he has to walk on egg shells. My mood swings. The way things can be so amazingly lovely, then something like yesterday happens and I erupt. The way I yell at him sometimes, the way I have to say things repeatedly, blaming him, putting him down. I was horrified! He NEVER treats me like this. Yes it is true to say his routines can interfere, his snoring still isn't sorted and I do feel let down when he doesn't back my corner and sometimes I have to explain things to him to help him appreciate how I feel but he never puts me down, is always so caring, loving. Very accepting of me. I am normally a very compassionate and loving woman. It is as if I am so desperate not to be a doormat again, that I've gone the other way; completely lost the balance. He deserves more respect than I am giving him and at the moment I don't like myself at all. I know that inside me I am a worthy, loving and compassionate woman. One or two on here have implied that OH is abusive...but he is the quietest, accepting and most loving man on the universe; especially to put up with the way I have been! Most men would have kicked me to the kerb with the way I have gone on and on; like an embittered and angry shrew! He doesn't want me to leave him and I don't want to leave. I believe in change, if you wish to change earnestly enough. Any useful tips would be really appreciated...I know where to start, but anything would be helpful. Thank you.

Get The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel. It describes how people can be abusive without realising it. It is non-judgemental and it offers advice on what you can do about it. It would be useful for your partner to read it too as it gives advice on how to stand up to an abuser. For example if you said something that was abusive to him, he could say something that would make you realise what you are doing. Be warned though, the book strongly suggests that all abusers were themselves abused as children so you may find your relationship with your parents is shown in a new light after reading this book. Good luck.

oh goldsilver, why do you keep on bashing yourself up like this?.

BTW did you ever go to counselling?.

You are still wasting your life further on this person aren't you. One step up and two steps back.

Its a real pity you did not actually follow up on your threat to leave him.
He does not want to leave you because he knows he's onto a good thing with you; he hit paydirt the day you were unfortunate enough to meet him.
Most women actually would have kicked this person to the kerb long before now so I am still wondering of you why you have not.

He won't I daresay ever get around to sorting out his snoring issue either. You say he is supportive; no he is not. This person has put Kate Bush before you, he puts everyone else before you!.

You yell at him because you've been driven to doing that because of his own behaviour. That does not make you a bad person, more like an exasperated one.

If it is really the case that you do not want to leave then you are basically hanging yourself by your own petard.

I think you've expressed your exasperation here before.

Goldsilver, it's like you've written a post for me!

I spent years and years being the baddie. The one who shouted, who was mean to someone kind and gentle.
I fit most of those criteria too which I've spent more mental energy in therapy trying to change than you could imagine.

BUT something changed early this year
It was the realisation that he wasn't being kind and I wasn't being cruel.

He spent almost our entire relationship punishing me in a very passive aggressive way for his childhood, for the fact that I was what he wanted to be like (energetic, social, go getter).

The conflict in my head drove me to a breakdown.

Although things are rarely as clear cut as we may like to believe, for me my anger came from a place of sheer frustration and hurt that he would never engage or stand up for me.
He used me as a conduit for his anger.
And he was always left being the injured innocent.

This may or may not be similar to your situation. I hope that you are the aggressor actually because you can change yourself.
If your situation is like mine you are in trouble because someone who likes to create a life where they are the victim like my husband did will struggle to see or accept their part in it.
That is a really hard one.

You're willingness to accept that you are an abuser is laudable but be careful of taking all the responsibility. I suspect that your willingness to accept this so easily may ironically show that it's not as clear cut as you think.

And my husband now accepts that he's actually been very EA
It's taken 7 months for him to even consider the possibility that his motives weren't always kind or pure.
That 7 months on top of the many years we've been married has broken us because he was so unwilling to really listen to me.
He's one of the good ones on the surface and wants to change but I don't think he can.
If I wasn't now able to see the disconnect between my feelings and the way he was behaving we wouldn't have got to this stage.
Try and remember that what you want and feel is important. Not just him.

goldsilver It's ok if the relationship is just not working out.

The fact that the relationship is not working does not necessarily mean that it is your fault, and it should not mean that you hang on to it even harder until you find the way to fix it.

You may never find out if the problem is you, if it's him, or if it's just the two of you together. Truly, it does not matter. It's not working, and that's a good enough reason to end it.

Good luck.

ps: it's not abusive to expect loyalty from your partner; to expect him to have your best interests at heart and to act on that

I think you're unhappy in this relationship because you're trying to force yourself to accept behaviour that is actually unacceptable to you.

You need and expect loyalty (and you're not wrong to need and expect it). He's not providing it. Therefore, he is not the right man for you. You are doing yourself a violence by staying with him.