Confused by my feelings (R.E estranged sister)

[gingerhobo48]

My sister has been deteriorating in hospital since last weekend.She was admitted following a fall and has had a massive bleed on her brain.She is in HD Neuro.She has had 3 operations, each time it is taking her longer to recover after, now she is not responding.She is intubated and they were talking about doing a trachtomy (sp?) to prevent lesions in her throat?.She has liver disease because of her prolonged and heavy drinking.This is seriously affecting her recovery.Her blood isn't clotting properly and her tubes keep blocking.They keep giving her plasma and platelets and something else.
The Dr said to her partner on Friday that they can't keep operating and may have to consider taking her off life support.
Before I knew this, I got a funny feeling in my chest (a heaviness) yesterday about 2.30pm.I felt something was going wrong and I had to go and see her.I got to the hospital just after 5 and they were prepping her for another operation.Her partner was there.I don't like him (never have) but feel sad for him because of this situation and he has cancer.
I have been upset, quite teary and distracted but last night I really sobbed.My daughter and DH don't get it, I don't get it.We were estranged, we have had an awful relationship in the past with lots of arguments etc.
I think I feel guilt that she will probably die not having had the relationships she wanted with her sister and her niece/nephew.I keep thinking I should have done more/could have done more but it was so painful.She was always drunk, we always argued, she wouldn't listen to my side of events regarding family events and sibling relationships and she wouldn't acknowledge my feelings so I stopped seeing her.
I don't know what to do, how to deal with this, it is bringing up all the grief I felt around my dad, my mum, my MIL, it's awful.
Not sure why I have posted but feel a bit better for getting it all out.

I would guess you posted because you need to talk - and help yourself process this - and you feel you can't talk to your husband and daughter (they don't 'understand').
From here, it seems very understandable. You sound as though you are grieving: for the sister you are losing, and for the relationship you never had and now never will have.
It must feel devastating, perhaps even overwhelming.
Bereavement counselling is available through your GP, if your family are very bad at talking.
Is there something else going on with your relationship with your husband and daughter? Are you angry with them, and won't let them understand? Or do they routinely not 'hear' you?

Be gentle with yourself. This must be such a difficult thing to live through. I feel very sad thst you and your sister did not have the chance to meet in a better place. I feel sad that your sister did not live long enough to heal herself and forge a truly loving relationship with you. And I am sad for you that there has not been enough time and good fortune to build the things that you wished for - but it was still a good thing that you knew enough about love and caring to want those things, and to mourn their loss.
Good luck, and I wish you the love and strength to get through this. xxx

Thank you, I guess that's it really.My DH has been really funny about this emotionally detaching himself which is really unusual.I feel totally alone.I am also estranged from my other sister and am scared that at some stage I will have to see her.I have one brother who I can talk to but he doesn't live close by.My DH is cutting the grass, it's wet FFS! I feel anger towards him I guess as I go up the hospital by myself and I'm so scared.My DD is a normal, I guess, 15 yr old hormormal teenager.I want DH to take me up the hospital and support me, he knows this but is finding lots of other 'urgent' jobs to do.Yes, I think I am grieving.

Have you spoken to Al Anon at all? Being a family member - even an estranged one - of someone allowing alcohol to rob them of their life is very tough. And the feeling that you could have done more is very common. You need the support of other people in your situation to truly understand that there was nothing you could do to prevent her from abusing alcohol. The three C's are:

• you did not cause it
• you cannot control it
• you cannot cure it.

It sounds like you have a lot of grief bottled up inside from other bereavements as well, but also grief from the end of your active relationship with your sister, when you were originally estranged, which you are only now recognising at the point where she may die.

Have you read Rachel's Holiday? This is a very good (and also hilarious) book about an addict in recovery and the effects on her family. It might help you make sense of things a bit.

I think your reaction is quite understandable. Some part of you has always been hoping she could get sober and find her way back to life. Now alas it seems that will not happen. I'm very sorry.

x-posted with you. Has your DH been distant during the other bereavements too?

Hi, I can't really remember, I wasn't with him when my mum died (alcohol related) He was upset when my dad died (alcohol related, stroke and heart attack) and the most recent was his mum (2006), that obviously hit him hard and me also as she was more a mum to me then my mum(I knew her longer than my own mum). Nobody likes hospitals but I don't really understand why he is being like this.I know it isn't my fault but that doesn't stop the guilt.A hug would mean so much, it's like I am contagious, like he might catch something from me.All I want is to go to the hospital but he has taken the family car to the rubbish tip FFS!

Some people find illness and hospitals very scary. I guess he's possibly afraid your sister will die whilst you're there? But I think you need to be explicit with him - I need you to go with me to the hospital and hold my hand whilst I visit my sister. Text him and let him know that's the plan once he gets back from the tip.

He's back, I'm going alone, thanks for the support :>).

My sister died on Wednesday, she suffered too much brain damage and swelling.They did a brain stem test which myself and BIL were invited to see, but I couldn't watch it all as I found it too upsetting.My little bro knows, who I am close to and I spent yesterday morning with him.BIL has been in touch with older brother who I haven't seen for years upon years.I don't know if he will make the funeral.We can't get hold of my sister who I haven't seen for about 6 or 7 yrs and my other brother I haven't seen since my dad's funeral in 2001.The funeral might turn out to be an interesting event!

Hi ginger I'm so sorry to hear the news. Poor you and poor your sister.

So did alcoholism run in the family or were there abuse issues too?

How are things with your husband?

It would look as if it did wouldn't it? My mum died early (53) from stomach cancer but I always remember her drinking/being drunk :>(. My dad had a stroke when he was 73.He drank every day and was otherwise healthy, had given up smoking, was a good weight, walked everywhere, good diet.He never went to the Drs and had high blood pressure. He died from a heart attack when he was 75. My younger sister drinks a lot as does her partner :>(.My sister who has just died drank an incredible amount, I can't really remember her sober and was the main reason I went NC.My eldest brother I have just found out has MH problems.Growing up was incredibly stressful as he would bring random strangers home and being the only female at home without a lock on my door I felt very vulnerable.I soon bought a lock for my bedroom! Of course he would not remember that.He also abused me as a 4 yr old.When I told my sister who has just passed she did not believe me.Another reason for going NC.She was set on introducing my DD to her uncle and she was the same age I was at the time he abused me.It obviously set off painful triggers, I had to tell my husband who thankfully believed me and he was incredible.
I have many, many reasons for not wanting to see my siblings and once the funeral is over I will go back to NC.
My DH has been really good, we talked about why he didn't want to come up the hospital and I accept his feelings.He has been very upset just thinking about her going this way.

I don't want to intrude, but just wanted to say that I had similar feelings for an enabling family member when they became terminally ill. I think I was grieving for the relationship we never had, and the way that it could never become something better, and the relationship (and those with other family members) had never been all it could have been or should have been. I did get to the point of acceptance.

That's good to hear, thank you.I had never thought about her, or other family members for all of these years, that's how good my coping strategies were.I avoided going near where they lived and only spoke to and saw my little bro who I had a 'normal' relationship with.Then 2 weeks ago I was forced to think about things.I do feel sad on several levels.My kids haven't had an 'Auntie/uncle' relationship.She hasn't had the Auntie/Niece/Nephew relationship.My kids don't even have grandparents which I'm really sad about.On Wednesday my BIL was having a bit of a pop at me about a few things.I put him straight on one but let others slide, I'm not going to start bad mouthing my sister when she has just died.
I was really upset yesterday as he was talking about organ retrieval.I didn't know my sister well enough to say what I thought he should do.I just said she was a selfless person (she was, very kind hearted and generous, when she wasn't drunk) and that if there was anything she could do to help anyone she would.I think he is going to go ahead with it (I hope so) but it is down to him.

How do I cope with seeing siblings I haven't seen for years? If I see my eldest brother I think I may be sick.He is entitled to go to the funeral, more entitled then me as they actually spoke to each other.I will have my DD with me.I have no idea what he looks like.If he tries to speak to me, I know I won't be able to speak to him but I don't want to embarrass him, and my other brother, I feel such rage towards him over what he did surrounding my dad's death I could claw his eyes out (if I had nails)He also promised me money (for my kids) after he sold one of the houses he was left by my dad which never materialised, he spned it all up the wall.

You could take a friend with you, or is there a cousin or other relative you could meet up with to go with? Will there be a reception somewhere afterwards? Decode if you want to go to that, and let your DD know how long it will go on for. Will there be others her age there, as if not, you might want to keep with her, and keep it short, even if it means appearing to leave early.

I agree with letting things slide, everybody grieves in their own way and it is not worth leaving a bad impression with relatives you see very rarely. Better to hold your own. Listening and not replying, or deflecting with a question, or changing the subject to something more ordinary and less painful was what gets me through family funerals.

Thank you, my DH will be with me.He knows my DSis and her partner.It won't be the time to say anything on the day, it's the before I am worried about.I will completely avoid my 2 brothers if they go, have no desire to speak to them but I know my little bro will as he is still on talking terms with them.I think he talks to everyone (bless him:>) ) .I shall just evaluate the situation at the time, continuing to support my BIL as best I can and keeping talking to my little bro.

That sounds good. The last funeral I went to, a close relative said something nasty to me, criticising my parenting choices, trying to start an argument. I happened to be sitting next to DH (first chance I'd had to be with him at the reception.) I was stunned, but he deftly replied with a polite phrase which the relative wasn't expecting and it completely wrong footed her. He then changed the subject and we were able to steer clear of any sore subjects. Also, I gave my camera to DD and she got some great family photos. :)

Ginger - have you really considered not going to the funeral? You can mark your sisters passing in so many ways without being there. You are NC with family members for very good reason. It doesn't sound like you will have an ongoing relationship with BIL. The only reason I can see for going if to be some support to your younger bro, but what support will you be and at what cost to yourself?

I couldn't not go, I have bizarrely bonded with BIL these past 2 weeks, well he with me.He has said that he would check everything would be ok with me R.E my sis in terms of Dsis medical care for last week and I really appreciated that.I couldn't make any amends or peace with my Dsis when she was alive as she went into a coma, but I can do something now she has gone.Her husband was her absolute World and I want to make sure he is ok as he has bone cancer and I want to make sure he remembers to do everything.My younger bro will be ok he is strong, we both are, we will always have each other.Thank you though for this other perspective, the 1st time I went up to the hospital, I was in it til the end and I knew that.