Does anyone else have this happen with ALL their relationships?

[justiceofthePeas]

And when I say ALL I do mean I really have had quite a few of them. Not all really short, one 10yr and one 7yr but mostly 3 or 4 months and the wheels come off.

Yet most people I know seem to have 1, 2 maybe 3 rs before they hit one that is pretty stable, works well for them and does not involve too much "putting up with" less than ideal behaviour.

I am not very high maintenance. Maybe that is the problem.

I meet people, various ways, if we get on, we go out. They usually start off keen but not too keen iyswim as that is unnerving. Then it all fizzles out or they start taking the piss and taking me for granted, breaking arrangements, not phoning etc. If they have a reason for it, e.g. work, family issue then I am pretty understanding although prefer if they let me know. But then they start doing it more often. Not texting me unless I text them etc.
And I am left with the choice of putting up or LTB.

First lt rs was lovely. Happy for years. Then it broke down due to circumstances including MH issues and just growing apart. I was devastated.
Many 4 month disappointments, then 1 lt EA rs.
another 4 month pisstaker disappointment after that.

Current rs I thought was going well. Pleasantly surprise. Been about 9 months. He has a lot on with family and work and so have been cutting him slack. We both have our own families. But lately he does not text me unless i text him..says he will call but does not. I don't want to keep texting or calling for fear of being clingy. Has cancelled our last two meet ups with little notice. Yesterday he said something had come up and he would call later but didn't. I assumed he fell asleep...but no text all day today...so unless he rip van fucking winkle...even if something major had happened in my life I would send a wee text saying something like sorry, stuff is going on. But nothing. I backed off today and waited for him to get in touch so I don't feel like a stalker. I feel like I don't matter at all and like an idiot.

Sent him text along lines of either something massive has happened or you CBA anymore. Either way it would be nice to know.

No reply. Not even a reply! not long ago we used to talk for hours most nights.

In most of my rs sex has not been an issue. I like sex. In this one it was great.

I am the common factor in all my many many failed rs. So it must be me. Cannot really bear to tell friends/family it has happened again. I must be doing something wrong. Is easy going and understanding with lots of sex the wrong approach?

Read the attachment styles thing.
Nope definitely not overly possessive. I think people need space to be themselves but I also do intimate and open.

But I don't think anyone would read that article and like to admit they were either anxious or avoidant. So maube I am kidding myself.

OP I'm sure I'm much older than you and I think, in this circumstance, much wiser. This is bourne out of experience, making many mistakes in the past and doing some work on myself.

I'm single - out of a long term relationship for 2 years now. I would like another relationship, but I am now very clear what I want - someone who is prepared to fit around my life; someone taller than me; someone kind, funny, intelligent, attractive (to me) and solvent who doesn't live more than an hour's drive away from me and shows me absolute respect (obviously this a two way thing).

I do OD and could have had dozens of 'relationships' in the time I've been single - but none of the men I've met for coffee dates have been what I've been looking for, so I've made the most of our hour or so together and not taken it any further. They didn't all want me, but some did.

In the meantime I've got busy doing other things - got involved in a sport and dancing (which is a brilliant way to meet all sorts of people); did some volunteering. So now I could go out every might of the week if I chose, despite not being in a relationship.

Its taken me a long time to get to this point, and I cringe at the thought of the way I've thrown myself at tossers men in the past.

He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt is an excellent read. Read it and you'll have your answer about this latest guy.

nicki i think you are probably right.

I am agraid of either crying or being angry but I think both of those are not unreasonable in the circs and my issue with them is from previous EA where any show of emotion was ruthlessly exploited as a weakness.

Thanks for the attachment styles link, I admit to being anxious and attracted to avoidants. No idea why, but it's interesting to note.

I definitely don't avoid and atrract possessive and if my partner is a bit avoidant I do not cling. I assume they are busy/need space. Although in my head I do fret.

Anyway, I called him. No answer. But although it is possible he does not have his phone right now, he def had it at some point yesterday as he looked at whatsapp. Damn modern tech.

"Is easy going and understanding with lots of sex the wrong approach?" I'm no expert, but think it can be. To some, it sends the message "do what you want when you want. I'll still be here no matter what"- ie, I'm a doormat. Much as Locd35 says, really.

Being straight with someone doesn't always mean they'll be straight with you, either. You can give them an 'out', but while there's still a warm bed on offer, you may hear reassuring noises even if they're not that bothered. :(

So...if what you're doing isn't working for you, experiment with something different. If your friends seem to be doing better in relationships, ask their advice or watch what they do. Better, keep asking yourself what YOU want. Arrange life to suit you and see if someone fits into it, rather than the opposite.

And definitely don't use an EA relationship as any form of guide - EA people have nothing whatever to teach you about maintaining healthy relationships.

He isn't treating you well, justice. Some of us have been where you are. :( But don't call him until you feel better.

Ohh, v good post, RelationsAkin!

You might not think you act needy but the fact that 'in your head' you are overthinking everything (as I do and admit to!) means you possibly are anxious in the attachment. Which simply means maybe you (and I) are attracted to emotionally unavailable men. And that's what's going wrong. Ultimately if they want to contact us they will.

I don't use EA relationship as a guide as such. God forbid. More that I am so heavily conditioned by it in ways that I don't always realise without the benefit of hindsight that I find it a constant struggle to find my own way. It is unconscious.

relations I was, or I thought I was clear about what I wanted. Someone who is happy with who they are, who likes me for who I am. Is in no way controlling and treats me with respect. And until the last few weeks that is what I thought I had.

I know I fucked up big time with EA rs and tbh I should have seen him coming. I was blind sided by it because I did not think other people were capable of such deliberate fuckwittery. (I do know btw that it was his fault not mine. He chose to be an abusive arse.)

Stop being so nice and decent. See the early days as trial and have in mind what you want (in mind!dont say it) and don't assume people are nice and decent, like you.

Your mother's potential comment could be an indication of a history that set you up for being walked over, taken for granted, not validated, supported?

I understand entirely it IS subconscious. But the thing is people don't show themselves immediately or that'd be too easy. The thing I'm trying to learn is boundaries and as soon as they show disrespect the boundaries have to come up. That could be two dates or nine months in.

Op having been in a situation similar to yours a couple of months back I would advise to move on.
I think this guy is giving out the classic signs of not being interested but is taking the cowards way out and rather than telling you upfront is taking up the fade out method which basically means he is showing as little interest as possible hoping you'll get the hint or just disappear.
Many men do this sadly and it is not a reflection of you in any way. If a guy is into you he will let you know through fear of losing you to another and if he isn't he probably just doesn't care or has more often than not found someone else.
Sorry,not probably what you want to hear but don't lose self respect chasing this guy, I did this and just ended up with my self esteem in bits which does not help. Don't take relationship failures as personal we have all had them and sometimes it can take a long time to find the one,you just have to keep going.

I haven't given up on him yet but will take some convincing. Tbh I have no idea how he really feels about rs although what little he has said has been v positive

After 9 months you have no idea how he feels?
It will take some convincing for you to give up on a man you really have no idea how he feels.
Maybe that's your problem, you sell your self too short.

PC playing up, my post was a bit blunt.

Agree that by 9 months you should have a better idea how he feels about the relationship! You sound far too accommodating. You have every right to know how things are by that stage.

Yy some relationships one holds lightly eg nonsexual relationships, casual relationships - but not sexual relationship s, esp after all that time. men like the chase, if they get something too easily, don't have to work for it, they don't value it. Make them work a bit! Not as a technique but at least as a way of valuing yourself, that what you have to give is precious: only the best candidates need apply. If you want something longstanding, committed, then insist on a level of commitment, even if it's commitment to basic decency and respect. Which means if they muck about they're out.

I'm sorry he has been such a coward, though. No need for that at all. He would beat a path if you were not quite in the bag (think how people are in job interviews.. Practically craven)

Goes for all relationships tbh. I've had a lot of women friends taking the piss lately, for the same reasons eg me being too accommodating/decent/understanding.

I'll cut to the chase here Peas, why not draw a line in the sand on these past relationships.

It seems to have become something like paralysis by analysis. I bet those previous bf's arent trying to figure it all out! To an extent, I admire you for some introspection, what could I do better next time? type of approach. But honestly, you cant always apply every last aspect of failure to future relationships, or you'd drive yourself up the wall! Each one is unique, so just be you, that's enough.

If I was in your situation I wouldn't totally give up the idea of a new relationship, but maybe trying doing some things just for you, take up a new interest or get together with some friends and have a nice time, and above all try not to think about a new relationship for now, as it could set things off on the same old groove, when its worth being you just you, for a while.

Reading your posts, I felt sad because you are giving yourself too hard a time when those exs couldn't give a flying 4X . You deserve better.

Dam it the new mobile app sucks. Was writing long post, got interrupted and lost it. In old version it used to hang around...so you could accidentally post it 3 times

To clarify, i was not being totally fair about having no idea how he feels. He has been totally upfront about being committed to this and that he likes me and not just shagging me. But i have no idea where he sees this going. And in the light of last few days i had really started to doubt his feelings.

Anyway. Quick update. I decided that actually waiting for him to contact me or allowing him to get away with fading without getting a piece of my mind was too passive.

So i sent him another text laying it on the line saying can't think of an explanation for this if something was up you should tell me and never had you down as a coward if you want out man up and say so. Thought i was more than a booty call.

He phoned me reasonably appalled that I might think I was a booty call and full of apology. He has been in the pit of despair. Thinking on it as someone who has MH issues I know I have git to the piint where i just could not speak. So maybe I can relate. He didn't tell me because he did not want me to think badly of him. Told him not saying anything made me think much worse. i did make it clear that a text either to say not coping cannot talk or if he did not want to admit to it just snow me and say v busy talk later...or indeed anything rather than nothing.

Is that the sounds of heads hitting desk i can hear in MN land? i know have read threads like this "we talked. I forgave him" and thought ffs. I may well be back on ina week, 2 weeks, 2 months having been given more of the same.

he is on probation. I have put some (probably teeny) boundaries in place and said basically I am pretty laid back but don't mistake that for please take the piss or me not needing any reassurance.

We shall see.

Have decided i need to some work on myself anyway. And not bottle stuff up till i explode and also deal with lingering EA issues so that if I do need to hoik up my big girl pants in future i feel more able to do so without being crushed by guilt.

And thanks

Well, good luck!

Bravo girl!

Yep, tighten them boundaries. His excuses were not good enough imo. Yy I've had my fair share of MH do-da. He was well enough to go on what's it - heck he was well/ill enough to drop you a line. Imo.