Friend's home is a mess - worried about LO's

[ballisticfish]

Sorry if this post doesn't belong in this section - wasn't sure where else it 'fitted'. Long story short - my friend's house is a tip. There are two kids in the house - a 2 yr old & 6 yr old. They never tidy, there's always stacks of washing up to do, clothes washing gets done & dried in drier & tipped onto sofas/chairs to the extent that there's never room on them to sit. There's a mattress in the lounge that one of the adults sleeps on as they don't share a bed, adding to the lack of room and general mess in the lounge, where all the kids toys / stuff is kept. The kitchen is the same mess - friend has approx 35 cups (I counted!) and all get used before any consideration is done regarding washing up/putting away.

I know this sounds like I'm judging - I know it's not how I would want to live and acknowledge that friend & her DH are used to living that way as they have absolute right to if they wish. Last week however, friend's mum came to me & said she's worried about her granddaughter (friend's daughter) as granddaughter had some of her classmates round for tea and witnessed the mess, resulting in friend's daughter being bullied at school. I'm not sure really what to do or say - I can't see them changing however I feel dreadful knowing that the LO's will be too ashamed to invite friends over.

I don't know really what I'm asking - would you say anything & risk the friendship? no amount of help seems to make a difference, I've clean the kitchen top to bottom numerous times & helped put things away, but was back to normal within a few days.

Are there other concerns? Unemployment, substance abuse, poor hygiene etc? If so definitely call ss.
Does she know her daughter is being bullied? If not then she needs to be told and hopefully that will spur them into action.

Classmate or classmates parents ? At six I imagine the parents would have at least been picking up... And judging.
If there really is bullying going on Then let school know.

I personally cant live like that having grew up in a home that was always full of clutter I too was bullied for it. It wasnt that we had bad hygiene or wasnt been looked after just small house 4 children and my mum wouldnt have my dad in bedroom as he was an alchoholic he would sleep on the sofa, so his duvet was just left. The basics were done ie washing up, clothes washing vacuming and mopping things like that just they were stuff litrelly everywhere and my mum has admitted this that she just got to the point where she couldnt bare to be in the house if she didnt have to so cleaning just took a back seat she also had bad depression (which could be a factor in your friend).

Im not sure ss would be my first point of call think a firm word with the friend first, maybe offer a bit of support to clean the house up maybe if not then deffinately a word to ss or maybe even the school her daughters at see if they have any proceedures in place, I know we have a lovely on site family worker whos been a fa nastic help to me and lots of mums over the years might be worth a try

Hmmmm. I think ss is a bit extreme at this point. I Am forever washing up. And still have a never ending opine as Cook from scratch.

One of my mates from school had a very happy home yet it was squalid: cat litter, no washing done. Just filthy. Is there warmth in the household? If not then ss should be involved but not in relation to cleanliness.

IMO the bullying is a separate issue. Kids will alway a find a way to bully. I'd let the school know about that one.

Pile of washing up I meant.

Are the kids cared for? Not neglected? If so, I'd mind my own business to be honest.

'Mess' is subjective. How bad is it? Hoarding level, with crap to the roof? Or just lots of unwashed tea cups?

Social services aren't Kim and Aggie, their benchmark level of mess concern is somewhat higher...

I was friends with a girl who grew up in an environment similar to that you describe.... Washing everywhere, pets all over the place and a pile of washing up. I look back now and think her mum probably took on far too much (she had five children, too many animals and a job). Interestingly though, despite the fact that my own home was always immaculate (probably excessively so ), I never really thought much of it, so agree socially it probably doesn't make that much difference.

I think you need to be strict with yourself OP and ask if the conditions of the home are a genuine health hazard (eg food left to rot, bathroom literally never cleaned) or just not to your personal taste (mess, clutter). If the latter, then in the nicest possible way, you should butt out.

Obviously meant 'if the former' there! Can't even blame that one on fat fingers!

Oh god. Don't even ask me what I'm typing now. Sorry (makes discreet retreat from thread)

What's your friend's mum going to do?

my friends house sounds like you describe. I understand untidy, but unclean and not to even care is a concern. That concerned me.
You cannot change your friend but ask if she is ok, she might have depression that she cannot see the mess in her house. As long as the kids are looked after and they aren't in any danger e.g. loose wiring and things like that then I think they'll be ok. We can't change people.

I don't think it is anything to do with you at all and you should mind your own business. As long as there is not a hygiene (mice etc..) issue mess is something that is subjective and as scary as it may be, some people just don't notice. Certainly don't call social services, why would that even cross your mind?

I would have a word about the bullying though.

Can the friends mother not help out with a bit of tidying up? It seems a bit strange that she wouldn't try to help if she's so concerned about her daughter and granddaughter? Does your friend work and just not have the time to tidy up? An energetic two year old can take up a lot of time and energy iirc.

I certainly wouldn't call social services. Could you speak to your friend about her daughter being bullied and the reasons behind it? It might give her pause for thought.

Is there a back story ? A bit of clutter, clean laundry and mattress on the floor doesn't scream ss to me . 2+ adults living there but noone can be bothered to wash up - are there issues within the relationship breaking down , depression, mh ? How has friend's mum tried to approach it ?

Can I ask if it is mess only or is the place dirty? If it is dirty and stinking that matters more than mess. And indicates the parents cannot cope with the basics??

Also it really ought to be her mum who takes her to task over this.

Fwiw I have been in a similar situation with a friend and the place was filthy, absolutely stank and my approach was to clean her kitchen and help with the laundry every time I visited.

She was depressed, severely over weight and had no energy. Her dc were always ill - owing to the lack of hygiene and pets (rabbit living in the house, dog in the bathroom, not toilet trained).

Her mum had a word with her about it and the result was each time her mum visited an effort was made to clean up!

It's was quite an unpleasant thing for me as each time I left I felt awful that the dc were living in those conditions.

Ss will be interested if the dc are dirty/smelly/underfed and missing their education/living in squalor.

The mess isn't the issue imo -the bullying is.

I'm currently sat next to a huge pile of washing waiting to go away,etc.etc.My house isn't a showhome.I work, have animals to look after, sport....life to live.

But, if my dc's were being bullied because of it I would want to know and I'd try to sort it.

Its being a good friend to tell the couple, and offer to help getting on top of it if you can and the help might be well recieved.