Feel a total failure

[justfoundout2014]

I am really struggling tonight. H has left (have had several threads on him being a sahd who cheated with a mutual friend) and I feel so alone. I am actually coping really well on the day to day stuff, and, despite initially struggling with seeing him daily for him to do the childcare, I have adjusted to that this week and haven't cried all week until last night. I think the reason for that is that it is sinking in what a total and utter shit he has been to me, and, ironically, that is why I feel so bad today.

Just what is wrong with me that he could go behind my back for 2 years, in my bed, and lie to me daily almost about what was going on? Why did he think so little of me to let me go off and sit in parks/pubs with this woman almost weekly? Why did he have the nerve to tell me, after the truth came out, that she had found me 'hard to get to know' ? Why did he tell his family all about our awful sex life and my social anxiety as a way of getting them to accept his shit behaviour?

Of course, I know the answers to the above, but what does it say about me that this is the man I ended up with? What does it say for the future of our children that this is the man who is their father - though he seems to be a good father on the surface?

I just want someone (him) to hear me and acknowledge how badly I have been treated, but it seems that will never happen. His mother (professor of women's studies in a red brick uni) tells me his 'hormones will have taken over' as will the ow's, who I am not to think of as a 'monster'. Seriously? This from the great feminist h has struggled to please all his life?

I have seen my gp and been offered cbt to deal with the social anxiety, which is great, but I want to talk about what he has done but can't afford to pay for that. I have few friends and none nearby. Work is great, bit I am so upbeat there I think people think I am ok, and I am, really, until certain times. I have caught up with an old friend on fb and their life just shows what could have been .

Sorry for the moan, just offloading.

a) There is nothing wrong with crying your heart out. So don't fight them tears - it's okay to cry. You're not wasting your tears on him, you are crying for being very badly treated. If you'd been run over by a bus, you'd hurt and cry. You might as well have been. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You will heal, but just not today.

b) Learn to stop giving a stuff about his thoughts. Focus on learning to like yourself again. It takes two people to have a sex life, shame he couldn't do it for you. As for your anxiety, as you start to learn to cope with everything on your own: your anxiety dries up, and self-confidence moves in.

As someone very recently pointed out: there's nothing wrong with you, what's wrong is what's happened to you.

If I've read anything on here that resonates so strongly: it's that.

c) He has treated you badly. He will never admit that - so cut off his torture, by cutting him out the picture.

Offload away - too many of us have been you, and we're okay. Some of us are utterly fabulous, the rest fabulous. Welcome to the club - membership is not optional, overcoming abandonment is mandatory.

I promise you, you won't feel like this forever. It does get better one day at a time. Take care and KOKO.

You've had such a terrible time - you've been betrayed so terribly badly - I'm not surprised you feel low.

But things will get better. You and your DC will be fine. You come across as a wonderful, caring mother trying to deal with dignity the utter shit your ex-DH has thrown your way.

I think its great you are angry with him - better than the excuses - or trying to holiday with him. You don't need to be his friend. I don't doubt in a few years you will be great co-parents - and this will just be a painful memory - but don't try and rush that process.

It says nothing about you that this is the man you fell in love with, nothing at all. Please don't think that way. Many wonderful women have found themselves with crap partners. It says a lot about you that you are not sticking around to be treated badly again in the future.