Do you take risks in your friendships?

[letsflyakite]

I really wish that I had the confidence to do so. I have lots of friends,but I will readily admit that I am a bit of a people pleaser. I guess that I am actually a bit scared of having no friends, so I tend to go along with things even when it is inconvenient or when I really don't feel like socialising.

I have a friend that I admire as she is just never scared to put herself first, to take risks, to say no or to do her own thing. It is things like she isn't afraid to cancel coming on a night out at the last minute because she fancies a night in, and she's not afraid to go off on her own on a girls' shopping trip if she doesn't like the shop everyone else is going in. Basically she just manages all the time to put herself first but do it in a polite, nice way, but never in an apologetic way. And she is incredibly popular, and always invited out, with many many groups of friends. I am always afraid that if I was to cancel going on a night out at the last minute, or to go off and do my own thing, that I wouldn't get invited out again or that my friends would drop me (I know, it's my problem)

Do you all take risks in friendships? I do tend to hold back in being honest with people, and really do not take risks. Any ideas how I can break out of the people pleasing rut? I hate falling out with people and hate any bad feeling but at the same time I don't want to keep pleasing everyone!

I wouldn't call it 'taking risks' though, but iswym.

I think you have to be realistic: people suck up to people they admire - she probably has a job, or status, that people admire and look up to; so she can pick or choose who she spends time with and what she does.

If you act like you're lucky to have them in your life, they'll believe you. But imo you can't be too picky if your lifestyle is not admired.

Making plans with friends and then cancelling at the last minute is in poor taste and not something to aspire to IMO.

If you know you don't want to go to a certain event youve been invited to in advance then just say so instead of forcing youself to go. If you feel you don't want to attend most events then yes, your friends probably will drop you eventually, but if you don't have shared interests then what is the point in being friends anyway?

Popping into a different shop whilst your friends visit one you don't like and then meeting back up again is hardly 'taking a risk on a friendship'

I have learnt lately. Its those who dance with you in tough times and through happy times that are the ones worth being with.
I have learnt my lessons about being open with people, you often do have to take a risk, and hope the person you are sharing your most personal thing with is genuine - occasionally that trust is broken, but sometimes the risk is worth it, it does take perseverance sometimes though to build a true friendship.

springydaffs I know what you mean, but she doesn't seem to be a person that people suck up to. I think the only thing is that she knows loads of people and has loads of groups of friends, because she somehow manages to be friends with everyone.

jadey I definitely wouldn't aspire to letting people down at the last minute. More a case of if there are a group of us going out, being confident enough to pull out if I don't feel like it or if something important crops up at home.

ROUND I struggle more with being honest with people if they have done something to upset me, or if I'd rather not do X or Y. During the summer a group of friends arranged a meet at the beach one day. I hate going to the beach, but went anyway, as I was worried about saying no, and as a result had a miserable day there, yet if I'd have said no I'd have spent the day wondering if I was missing something and feeling like they may not want to be my friend anymore.

Your vocabulary is what strikes me, OP. You keep using words like 'fear' and 'risk' and 'scared' about ordinary social situations like deciding whether or not to accept an invitation to go out with people who are supposedly your friends - it's not supposed to be this hard! Why are you so anxious and frightened about being left out? Do you actually like these people, who (judging by your posts) seem to cause you nothing but stress and anxiety? Do you actually want them in your life? What do they bring to you?

The other friend isn't the issue here - while letting people down at the last minute isn't admirable behaviour, consulting your own feelings on whether you want to accept an invitation, or going to a different shop on a group trip are entirely normal, run of the mill things. This friend isn't petrified that everyone will dump her if she does her own thing. There's no reason to think you'll be cast out either if you put your preferences first.

Rusticated I know I probably sound totally pathetic, but that's how I feel. I feel horribly anxious if I ever have to cancel anything, even if one of my children is ill or something equally important has cropped up.

I do like all my friends; It's my problem that I feel the way I do rather than anything they do to make me feel that way.

Letsfly, I didn't mean to imply you were in any way pathetic. It just seems that you are very anxious about friendships and being left friendless for some reason - even though it sounds as if you are actually in the same position as the woman you envy, in that you both have lots of friends, which puts you in a strong position, I would have said...? Did something happen in the past to make you think you have to accept every invitation, even to things you hate, and traipse around twenty shoe shops with a group when what you desperately need to buy is a hat, dog shampoo or a fire extinguisher?