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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He says he doesn't like me anymore..................

24 replies

sepia · 25/09/2006 21:40

DH does this every now and then.
Last night he stopped talking to me because I pissed him off and now he says he's been unhappy for 10 years (we've been together for 17) and doesn't want to waste another 17 years. He gets very moody and blames me for everything, relationship, lack of sex and says that I'm horrible to him.
Wants to go to Relate, which is probably a good thing but I'm scared....

OP posts:
Original poster
sepia · 25/09/2006 21:51

Anyone?

Just cheer me up.
Tell me that they all say this kind of thing occasionally.

OP posts:
tribpot · 25/09/2006 21:51

You may be married to the only man in the country who voluntarily wants to go to Relate!

Sympathies - it sounds awful and possibly like he's using the 'threat' of counselling as a way of getting at you but it sounds like your best bet is to go along and have this out in a constructive environment. Based on the behaviour you've described, I think he could be in for a bigger shock than you if you do go to Relate.

alexsmum · 25/09/2006 21:52

i'm sorry babe- i don't think they do say this kind of thing all the time
i think that he wants to go to relate is a good thing, he's not just throwing in the towel.how do YOU feel about your relationship?

Ulysees · 25/09/2006 21:53

how old is he? sorry to hear this sepia. No, I don't think most men say this. It sounds pretty serious to me. Either that or attention seeking? I won't comment on my opinion of your description of him as you wouldn't want to hear it.
At least he's open to Relate. It's usually women who strive for this.

Original poster
sepia · 25/09/2006 21:57

He's 37. Doesn't want to leave, still wants to live with me and the kids.
Still love him but he is moody and would it be best to break up. My dad was moody and I spent all my childhood tiptoeing aound him and most of adult life tiptoeing around dh.
I'm sick of constantly walking on eggshells.

OP posts:
Ulysees · 25/09/2006 21:59

how long has he been like this? Any chance it's depression? Do you argue much? Can you talk to each other?

Ulysees · 25/09/2006 21:59

and am I a nosey cow?

colditz · 25/09/2006 22:00

Go to relate.

Original poster
sepia · 25/09/2006 22:02

Yes, he does have a tendancy to get depressed, not that he would freely admit it.
We usually have a really good laugh, he tells me I'm funny and we have always been best mates. He says he's been feeling like this for a few months but I thought we were getting on really well.
We don't "talk" easily, never have but I do think that this may be a bit of an issue about my upbringing. I hate confrontations and would do anything to avoid them.

OP posts:
Original poster
sepia · 25/09/2006 22:03

And, no you are not nosey.
Sticking a post on here is asking for it really!

OP posts:
Ulysees · 25/09/2006 22:07

has he been to the gp lately?

Could you write down your feelings and get him to do the same? You really need to spend some quiet time together. Make a night of it. No distractions.

Also look on the relate site and get yourself a self help book as they're great. You can look at it whilst waiting for your appointment.

Original poster
sepia · 25/09/2006 22:10

No, typical bloke. Never goes to GP.
Did have a quick look on Relate website earlier and the books looked good but I' m fairly sure if I bought one, only I'd read it. Ditto writing down feelings. He's not very good about "owning" feelings. Easier to blame me.

OP posts:
Original poster
sepia · 25/09/2006 22:13

If we write down our feelings do we have to look at what the other has written or is it just a getting-it-off-our-chests kind of exercise?

OP posts:
Ulysees · 25/09/2006 22:13

you seem very insightful. I think relate will help you a great deal hun. Hope you get to see them soon. Let's hope he opens up as you have a lot at stake.

I'm off to bed now, take care and keep us posted xx

Ulysees · 25/09/2006 22:15

it'd be up to you both? The relate books are good though as they have exercises you can do together.

Why don't you start the ball rolling by writing him a letter and you may be surprised?
anyway take care and hope something good happens for you both soon xx

Original poster
sepia · 25/09/2006 22:17

Thanks love.
I am quite self aware but sadly he's not. It's a bit of a standing joke amongst friends that he is the only one who doesn't know how moody he is! He says I'm the moody one. Yeah, I have off days like everyone else but I'm usually quite chirpy and friendly (tonight excluded)
I'm going to call Relate tomorrow.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 26/09/2006 10:57

Nothing much to add, just hope that you get an appointment soon. The main thing is that he's not just walking out, he wants to fix things.

Glassofwine · 26/09/2006 11:02

Sounds like he's doing the right thing, he wants to stay with you and the kids, but isn't as happy as he' d like. Relate might well be the making of your marriage - give it a go. I'd take the unhappy for 10years statement with a pinch of salt - he's not happy now and trying to make you realise how important that is. Honestly I think you've got all the ingrediants for a really good positive future, you just need a little help.

Original poster
sepia · 26/09/2006 12:11

Thanks so much for all your reassurance everyone. It really has helped.
We have manged to get in at Relate next week and although I'm very sad I do feel positive.
Spoke to my sis about this and she said he does do this to me every now and again and it is a phase and always passes. Still think Relate a good idea as I don't feel I can carry the blame for everything much longer and it's not a good message for my kids in their adult relationships.

OP posts:
HuwEdwards · 26/09/2006 12:13

Sorry sepia, but no, I don't think they all say this kind of thing at all.

If my dp said it to me, I would take him up on the Relate suggestion.

Ulysees · 26/09/2006 14:11

glad to hear you got an appointment hun xx

Original poster
sepia · 26/09/2006 14:42

Well, today he has actually stated responding to my texts again and we just had a chat on the phone which was nice. He's been looking at Relate website and feels positive and is beginning to realise that our problems are by no means unique.

OP posts:
Ulysees · 28/09/2006 09:44

That's good sepia I hope you get a lot from your first appointment. I know the Relate guys go through a lot of training so they know what they're doing.

sleepfinder · 28/09/2006 11:20

Yes, go to relate!!! Best of luck!

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