Concerned... Thoughts please

[Angleshades]

I'm trying to write this in a discreet way so as not to out myself or anyone here. Would just like some thoughts on this situation please:

Man 1 is married to man 2 (civil partnership) and both have been together for over 20 years. Man 2 has recently met man 3 at work and has started a sexual relationship. Man 2 has since decided to end the partnership with man 1 yet wants to stay living in the same house as man 1 but as just friends. Man 1 has agreed.

On the face of it this all seems great as all parties are consenting. But I'm really concerned for man 1 as he pays the majority of the bills and rent for the house. Man 1 has always been the greater provider of money for the house as he has always been the better paid jobs wise out of the two. Man 2 often can't hold down a job for long as he becomes bored easily.

Man 1 has said he won't hear a bad word said about man 2 and will defend him to the bitter end if need be. I'm guessing he would alienate anyone, even family if anyone dared say anything bad about man 2. The reason I am concerned is that I think man 1 still loves man 2 very deeply but is doing everything in his power to keep man 2 at their home, including getting out of the house...etc so man 3 can visit. Man 1 still wants man 2 to attend family events as a 'couple' and wants everyone in the family to still treat him the same.

It seems to me that man 2 is getting a fantastic deal here. A nice home mostly paid for by someone else while he only works part time and the stability of someone still at home if new relationship doesn't work out. Man 1 seems to think the affair hasn't gone on long but I've seen items posted to facebook and other sites claiming how in love the new couple are and all the plans they have written about how they're going to move to a new place miles away and have lots of sex and get new dogs...etc. I just feel like man 1 is getting a really raw deal here and I really don't know how to help or respond. I feel like my true feelings of concern have been hushed up by man 1 wanting me to say nothing bad at all. What would you do?

Well yes, your concerns are well placed. But unfortunately there probably isn't much you can do about it other than be around for man 1 when it all goes pear shaped. Horrible situation for you, but it sounds as if he will 'shoot the messenger' at the moment.

There is nothing you can actually do.

Is Man 1 thinking that Man 2 will soon be fed up of his new lover?

All you can and really should do is to be there if or when Man 1 needs your help.
For the moment, just let him know that you'll support him in his decisions and won't judge.

I agree swingball. At the minute I think he def would shoot the messenger. I've just got a feeling this is all going to go horribly wrong and man 1 will end up beside himself with grief when man 2 ups and leaves when it suits him.

Lweji - I'm not sure. Man 1 says he's totally happy with it but his eyes welled up when he spoke of different things during the conversation. I don't know if he's just putting a brave face on but is gutted deep down.

Man 1 will need your friendship at some point. If you speak up now, he may not feel he can't lean on you then (despite assurances that he can).

can lean on you. My brain was wording it two ways at the same time.

Yes Yama I think you're right. I think I do just need to keep quiet about it and accept. I guess man 1 is making his bed and he'll have to lie in it! I just worry that he's really being taken advantage of and that it may blow up in his face at some point.

I'm not sure there is much you can do.

You could do what Man 1 wants and act like everything is fine. Or tell Man 1 everything you've said here.

Personally, I think I would distance myself from any occasion where Man 2 was involved. I'd remain completely polite, but disengage wherever possible, whilst still maintaining regular contact with Man 1. And when Man 1 is ready, I'd be there with wine, tissues, a shoulder to cry on and just be ready to listen. He's not ready to hear anything negative about Man 2 just yet.

If this was a man/woman relationship and the woman was paying the rent so that the husband could still live there but have his mistress over every so often I'm sure there would be uproar. Even if she agreed to it. Why does it feel so different for same sex couples?

Thanks Ella, problem is I'm related to man 1 and we've got family functions coming up that man 1 wants to invite man 2 to. How do we all sit down and play 'let's pretend'. I think it's going to be so difficult.

I think my advice would be the same for any couple. Your relative just doesn't want to hear it at the moment and if you keep pushing it, he'll cut you off and then be on his own feeling like he can't contact you when it all falls apart and he really does need support.

Just smile, say hello and ask Man 2 how he is. Then disengage. If he tries to chat, smile and tell him you need to nip to the ladies. Keep yourself busy with drinks/food/children/elderly relatives so you don't find yourself in a one to one situation with him.

No uproar in any case, unless you were Man 1 posting. In that case, people would tell you to stop being a mug, regardless of same sex or different sex relationship, or whether you were a man or a woman.

As you are an outsider, the advice can only be that you cannot do anything but support your friend or relative in what they want to do. You can certainly tell them your opinion, but it is their choice.

Sounds like good advice Ella. I know man 1 doesn't need mine or anyone else's approval of what is happening but I'm finding it hard to bite my tongue. Especially when I'm so close to man 1 and know how emotionally vulnerable he can be in bad situations. Other family members feel the same and we're all having to keep quiet so as not to upset the apple cart so to speak. It's such a strange situation to watch unfold. I just can't see how this can lead to anything else but disaster. Guess I'll just have to stop worrying about it and take a back seat.

Well you owe Man 2 nothing. Obviously you know him a long time so a civil "Hello" is in order, but beyond that? Avoid like the plague. Keep busy, and circulate amongst everyone else.

Hopefully Man 1 won't even notice. At least then you won't feel like you're colluding in this farce.

I have close friends in the same situation with man 1 supporting man 2 through a career change then just as man 2 qualified and started to support himself he began a flagrant affair with man 3. Man 1 stuck his head in the sand for a year but has finally moved out and left man 2 and 3 to it. Man 2 is the one keeping up appearances. I could do nothing but provide tea and sympathy. Hard to see the hurt caused without speaking my mind!

That's just it annarose, I'd feel like I was forcing myself to collude. It will just be hard to keep things to a minimum though as man 2 is usually very outspoken and often the life and soul of the party.