Alcohol/drugs and exP

[ContactIssue]

Not 100% sure which topic this belongs in, but it concerns my ex and my DS.

Ex has contact with DS every Saturday morning. We both drive separately to the contact centre. DS is never in the car with his dad (who is my ex partner).

I think my ex has a drink and/or drugs problem. He is always shaking when I see him during the day time. This has been going on since February/ March.

I have no real 'evidence' to back up my concerns, other that his constant shaking, which may of course be caused by something else. He has used drugs in the past (an awful lot) and because violent on them. Again, no real evidence to back this up. His friends are occasional users too.

I received a snapchat tonight from a mutual acquaintance. Him and exp 'getting pissed again'.

This will no doubt mean that tomorrow morning, exp will be driving whilst over the limit/on a come down, and then looking after DS alone for two hours. The last few times DS has seen his dad, he has come back without being fed (despite me sending a lunch, bowl and cutlery for DS each time. I guess that's because his dad is in no fit state to really take care of him.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to cause a fuss if it's 'nothing' but it just seems so irresponsible of him. I'm not sure what impact it has on DS (16mo) because I don't sit in on the contact. Obviously it's not something which will scar him for life, but it seems like a huge waste of our time if DS is being ignored for the majority of contact. And of course, if his dad is in a state, it could result in DS having an accident.

Apologies if I'm BU.

Anyone?

Two things.

If you don't think he will be fit to drive tomorrow can you just tip off the police?

Second if it is at a contact centre then who is there to observe, I thought the point was they all had other adults there even if volunteers. Could you find out what they have observed if anything?

Do you think I should? I know roughly what time he will be leaving.

There are volunteers, but they don't really supervise properly. They just sit in the reception for the duration of the contact.

With supervised contact there is usually a person in the room. And no disrespect but you cannot possibly know that he is ignoring your son

I know Quite, and I did say in my OP that I don't know what goes on as I don't stay with them. And the contact is not supervised. The volunteers do the hand over of the children but that's it.

I second the thing about calling the police if you think he is over the limit but in a way that is quite vindictive.

He obviously wants to see his son. Do you want him to or do you wish he would just go away and not bother? Have you mentioned the food issue to him, what did he say

Yes I agree, which is why I haven't done it. At the same time though, he could well cause an accident and injure somebody.

He was abusive through out the relationship. Never bothered with our son until recently. Moved abroad when I broke up with him. Didn't pay a penny until recently. (He's back in the UK now obviously.)

I'm skeptical to say the least. I'm sure he cares about our DS in his own way, but more like an uncle than a father iyswim? I feel like it is all an act because I know what he was like in the beginning. He'd say awful things about DS and how it would be so easy for him to walk away from him, and that he didn't have to stick around/pay a penny for him. I don't want to out myself, but more along the same lines.

I mentioned the lunch issue to one of the volunteers. She said she would pop in on them when it was DS's lunch time, and make sure he was being fed. He did get fed that time.

Turns out he was too hungover to come to contact today.

Two hours a week he sees his son for. I'd expect somebody to make the effort to be sober for their child. Maybe my expectations are too high.

Keep a record of that. It could be useful to you later.

Make a note of it

How long has he been back and been having contact for?

Is this the first time he hasn't shown?

Since the first week in July, but it was only every other week at first. I already have a diary which I use to make notes in (like the lunch thing, and him not changing DS).

It is the first time yes. However he almost always turns up shaking. There are often pictures posted online of him off his face on the Friday. (Lots of mutual friends. I have hidden their posts now).

I have worked with alcoholics and also drug-users, and shaking could be either the need for more alcohol (delirium tremens) or heroin withdrawal when the next fix is due. Neither seem to me to appropriate physical states of a parent having contact with a young child. The 'supervision' at the contact centre sounds rather lax to say the least. One would want an adult actually present the entire time. I wonder if you could voice your concerns to ss. They may want to have your ex assessed when he next turns up on a contact visit. Please don't hesitate or fear causing a rumpus. The well-being of a small vulnerable child is the issue here.

I'd be very surprised if it was heroin, but I definitely suspect he has alcohol issues.

He has taken cocaine in the past but I don't know if that would cause the shaking. He also used to smoke an awful lot of cannabis and I wouldn't be surprised if he'd started again, although I doubt that has anything to do with his shaking?

The 'supervision' is very lax indeed, but I was told that unless you have a SS referral, you can't get 1:1 supervision.

How do I go about letting SS know about my concerns? If he turns up in that state next week, I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to leave DS with him in that state, but I don't want him to know I'm onto him because that will almost definitely make matters worse.

What a shame he didn't turn up. If I was you I might feel relieved that this person was not in my child's life tbh. He sounds like a train wreck.

Some days I do feel like that Quitelikely. I think if he disappeared altogether then I'd be relieved. It's the inconsistency which frustrates me. And of course, he plays father of the year to everybody else.

No, cannabis doesn't produce shaking. Amphetamines might while he's under their influence. Personally I'd say it was alcohol-related from what you've said.
I wonder if you could feel able to phone ss (number in phone book) and explain; they'd put you through to the right department. At least you'd then feel you'd taken some action toward protecting your child. An intoxicated father is not acceptable for a visit with his child IMO.
Your poor little one can't even tell you much about the visit, being so small. He might not like being alone in a room with a shaky dysfunctional man. He might spend the whole time crying. He even missed his meal. This is very worrying.

I will definitely ring them on Monday. They have an office in the town I live in. Do you think if I went to the local women's aid, they would sit with me whilst I ring?

The past three visits, DS has had night terrors on the Sunday and Monday night (but not the Saturday). I'm not sure if it's linked, and I don't want to sound OTT to SS. But it's worrying all the same. I will also tell the CC about my concerns and I will ensure that I am present for the hand over each time, so I can see the state exP is in for myself.

It's all such a mess I wish he'd either shape up and be a father, or stay out of DS's life before he does him any real damage.

I think that would be the right thing to do. And you can always ring WA and ask if they would do that. Unfortunately though their lines are always busy, so you may have to wait for them to get back to you.
It is a mess as you say, and I doubt if he's going to shape up any time soon. Often this sort of man gets bored with involvement with a small child and starts not showing up. He may 'absent himself' from your child's life as his own unravels more and more. No loss IMO! Full marks to you ContactIssue for detaching yourself and DS and moving on with your life. Hope all goes well for you both.

Yes Spiders, I suspect that he will get bored and consider DS an inconvenience. (As he clearly did this weekend).

Good riddance I say! My own dad was an alcoholic and it was awful to watch him destroy himself. I'd rather not put DS through that - if his dad does indeed have a problem.

Thank you for your help everybody.

Do they not do strip tests on the visiting parent? I spoke to a solicitor about my DD and any potential contact with my ex through a contact centre (same issues - drink and drugs) and she assured me that they would do strip tests on him????

My ex used to get the shakes from alcohol and cocaine. Also would seem to have very frequent very bad colds (hay fever apparently….)

If you think he's drink driving, call the police. A child could step out in the road. If they stop him and he's fine, then so be it.

No they don't strip test my ex unfortunately. I think I'll go back to my solicitor next week if possible. My family are putting me off the idea of SS by saying they will cause me hassle/won't do anything and it will make things worse.

Does anybody know what they will actually do? What happens when a resident parent reports the NRP? I assume they'll ask him to take a drugs test, but will that be it?

He has apparently been vile towards somebody I know. She had a breakdown after her ex broke up with her. She, rather foolishly, confided in my ex about her MH and the break up in general. So ex gets her number and prank calls her pretending to be her ex. And he prank calls her ex as well to mock him.

I honestly think he is having a breakdown of some sort. He tried to kill himself when I broke up with him. He really should know better than most about how he should be treating others going through the same thing.

Irrelevant in terms of DS, but just shows the person he has become/has always been but kept hidden.

Do have a word with SS. It sounds as though this man is not in a fit state to spend time with your DS. Contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child, and if your XP is turning up pissed or hungover or displaying signs of MH issues it's fine to stop contact on the grounds that it is not good for DS. But it's as well to get official backup from SS.

I will SGB. Can I get advice from them about the situation without making a proper report?

My mum is adamant that it is the wrong way to go. She says that I have no evidence of him taking drugs, so they won't be interested. But surely that is incorrect? SS would surely conduct their own investigations? Anybody who is reported to SS is then investigated, not discounted because the person reporting hasn't hired a detective to 'gather evidence'.

If he took a drugs test and it was clear, then I'd be far happier with continuing the contact. Would they carry out a MH assessment, or would they be satisfied with him being under GP care? Of course, he binge drinks which is likely to make the medication virtually ineffective anyway.

Sorry for all of the questions but my mum's reaction has thrown me. She's worried his family will turn nasty if they find out it's me who has reported him.

Re the drink driving, I will get his reg plate next time and ring 101 to let them know he regularly drives the morning after a heavy night out (because he does). I couldn't live with myself if he killed somebody because of his actions. I have reported an ex friend for this in the past, so not at all out of spite. Could quite easily be his own son he kills as we live so close.