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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A friend in need............

10 replies

saintshar · 07/04/2004 22:56

I have a friend who has been through a very bad time the last Year or so. I hadn't known her very long when her life was 'turned upside down.'
I don't really need to go into details, but things were bad for her for quite a long time.
I felt really sorry for her and always tried to help the best way i could. Most of the time she just needed someone to talk to, but very often i dropped everything and sometimes neglected myself a little to make sure she was ok.
just lately things have started looking up for her, i was so glad after all she has been through.
I am normally a person who goes through life with not many problems of my own. But the last few Weeks i have had some problems and really needed a friend - someone to talk to. But this 'friend' - well, you would have thought i had the plague!! I know she has been avoiding me. I have had NO contact from her at all, even though i know she has been around.
I must admit, i am pretty p!$$ed off, after all i have done for her. I know that soon, when things are not so rosey in the garden for her again, she will be sniffing around again, 'oohh, i am sssoooooo upset, what should i do.......'
I am scared if i speak to her, i will tell her a few 'home truths,' but i think i will just ignore her loke she has me.
I am being out of order here........

OP posts:
HiddenSpirit · 07/04/2004 23:56

If she is avoiding you (i.e. not answering phone/door) then how about writing a little letter to her to say you are concerned about her as you haven't been able to get hold of her. Ask her if everything is ok as you're quite worried about her.

This may get her thinking about the great friend that you are and how you were there for her in her time of need. If she is a true friend, she will pick up that phone or ring the doorbell pretty soon after reading the letter

If however, she does not, then I'm sorry but the next time she came to you upset I would avoid her. Harsh I know, but some people in life just like to take and are not so willing to give IYSWIM?

You always have friends here that you can talk to if needed, and you're guaranteed to get listened to

SEXGODDESS · 08/04/2004 00:05

I too have friends like this - in fact I started a thread about being taken advantage of not long ago. You are the way you are which is what makes you special and if she was down on her luck you would be there for her again. That's not a bad thing - it's a wonderful trait. Unfortunately not everyone's like that. As HiddenSpirit says you can always talk to us....

sunchowder · 08/04/2004 00:13

Saintshar--I am one of those givers too! It is so difficult not to take it to heart. She could be avoiding you for many reasons, or may not even be avoiding you at all. I think it is a great idea to drop her a note as HiddenSpirt mentioned to you. I always get so shocked and hurt myself and vow not to be so sensitive in the future and to try to have better boundries so that I don't get so drained myself. I hope things will look up for you and please stay the way you are, we need more of us!!

grumpyzebra · 08/04/2004 00:23

Do you think maybe she's ashamed of what she's been through, that she feels weak and seeing you reminds her of how you know about her weak side, that she doesn't want to think about?
Or alternatively, that seeing you is like a reminder of all the trouble she's now trying to forget about?

I knew a gal who suddenly found out she was pregnant by a different father than that to her 7 month old (both dads not men she would want to marry), nearly terminated although her family was threatening to disown her if she did, then realised she was 18 weeks already and she couldn't abort so late... she went through all this with a lot of support from our circle of friends... and then she dropped us like hot potatoes a month or so after the baby was born. She just had so much shame about her situation, she couldn't face having us in her life knowing all that about her. I feel sad that we lost her friendship, but I can understand that it was the only way she could leave those traumas behind her.

fio23 · 08/04/2004 00:32

Message withdrawn

nightowl · 08/04/2004 02:00

I have been taken advantage of time and time again. All my friends come to me with their problems but when i had a problem one of them actually said "im sorry but you are making me depressed, please dont talk to me about it" Another helped by sleeping with my ex husband two weeks after we split. So you know what rule i live by now? I will be a good friend to someone and help as much as i can, but the first time they crap on me is the last. I wont fall out with them but neither will i put myself out for them in any way if they are not willing to return. People like that arent worth your time. I would still be friends but just dont help her the next time she comes whinging. At the end of the day, you are the better person and like others have said, you'll meet plenty of lovely people on here

Original poster
saintshar · 08/04/2004 09:12

Thanks for the replys everyone. I think i just needed to let off a bit of steam - i feel better for writing it all down.
I always seem to be the person everyone turns to when they have problems, i have so many 'secrets' rolling around in head..... i could write a book!!
Sometimes i just get a little upset that i seem to give so much, and get nothing in return.
I know she is ok, she hasn't been avoiding our other friends, just me. I think it may be as fio23 said, she may not be able to take on other peoples problems yet...... but when i put it like that, i sound so selfish.
But then i think, yeh, but who's there for ME!

OP posts:
HiddenSpirit · 08/04/2004 10:05

We are saintshar

Janstar · 08/04/2004 10:30

I agree with nightowl. It's exhausting enough trying to care for others when they do the same for you, but spending your energy on people who drain you and give nothing back leaves you empty when people who deserve it need you.

Chocol8 · 08/04/2004 23:10

I have just sat open mouthed at what Nightowl's "friend" said! Wow, what a mate!

I am a giver, but I LOVE Nightowl's rule - I know I have to take that on board and do it, but it is so difficult...either that or just that i'm a bloody typical cancerian!

I thought HiddenSpirit's idea is perfect, it is caring enough to remind her that you were caring.

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