how to reconnect with dp?

[lookatgiraffenow]

Looking for advice on how to 'reconnect' with DP, please.

We bicker daily. I start the day feeling fine but, without fail, i end up frustrated, angry or downright weepy.

We talked about it recently and my belief is we don't treat or talk to each other like friends. He is sometimes patronising, often stressy and snappy. He is passive-aggressive in that if i do something incorrectly (ie not his way) he will say "that's not how I do it".... i will retort back "so? it's how i'm doing it..." this will lead to a strained discussion about something ridiculous like how we dry dishes differently.

He is stressed at work. His temper is short and I admit I stop myself starting a normal, chatty conversation as i know it'll lead to a row or i'll get snapped at.

We don't have sex. Showing affection is hard for me, my parents are lovely but i've never seen them hug or kiss and I'm like that - i can see it. DP craves affection and sex.

God. I started writing this to clear my thoughts. But maybe our relationship is in bigger trouble than i thought.

We have a 5 yr old daughter who we adore.

I won't be able to respond to any replies (doing coursework) but thank you for any help/advice offered.

Some thoughts:

• have you said to your DH how his snappyness makes you feel? I used to get very angy about nothing because of work worries. DH eventually told me how this made him feel.

• becoming physically affectionate. I understand where you are with not having seen this growing up. Do you touch at all? Do you touch each other as you pass (I dont mean intimately)?

• you sound so unhappy but if what you have posted is the extent of things then I dont think you are irretrievable as a couple. You sound like you have both lost your way a bit.

It's normal for your partner to 'crave' affection and sex. These are basic human needs in any relationship. If you could make a small move such as a little cuddle as you pass in the kitchen, or a hug for no reason at all, you may find he is surprised and delighted, and warms considerably towards you. By these small signs of love you may both become closer and more affectionate. I have heard of couples who lavish affection on their child (or dog or cat!) when they find it hard to do the same thing to eachother. Your partner may be lonely, stressed, sad and feel neglected. Can you muster up a bit of tenderness for him? If so, you will also get some response which will lift your heart. Have a go and see where it leads.

I agree with Hatespiders. You dont need to start with a cuddle if that feels like a leap into the unknown. A touch as you pass can be a good start. Would you try that?

If you can't even start a regular conversation without it turning into a snappy row you have problems. If you consciously avoid starting conversations for the same reason, those problems are serious. Why on earth would you want to show affection to someone who jumps down your throat and picks fights over dishes? How can you 'reconnect' with someone who treats you with anger and contempt?

My question would be 'why are you in a relationship with a bad-tempered man and worrying if it's your fault?'

My suggestion would be that you talk to him honestly, tell him that you think the marriage is not going well, it's not a good environment for your DC and that, if you can't find a way to talk kindly to each other and behave like a team, there may not be much of a future.