What is moving too fast??

[Antsypantsy]

I'll be the first to admit, I'm a bugger for overthinking. I've been single for a year and I've met someone on OD.

Due to my failed marriage, which was really a bit of an intense whirlwind thing to begin with, I am paranoid about getting involved with anybody who is needy and for rushing in.

So what is too fast?

A brief overview of my time with this bloke so far...

We spoke on POF a lot for two weeks. Work and time away met we couldn't meet beforehand. But we messaged everyday.

We have a lot in common both personally and professionally.

We met for the first time 10 days ago. We've been on 4 dates and met up for coffee and a sneaky cigarette once (were both secret smokers). The second date was impromptu and he drove me up a hill with a lovely fine food picnic!!

No sex yet

We are loosely in contact most of the day. Text convo in the morning, at night and maybe one or two little funny messages during the day.

I worry he is prone to rushing. One night we did speak about our histories and it sounds like he is a feet first type of guy, but he said he doesn't want to do that again.

He has said a couple of sweet things about how great he thinks i am but then said he doesn't want to say too much incase it puts me off which makes me wonder if he is desperately hiding neediness

I feel really happy with it in general bit doubt myself

Does it sound like too much too soon?

Not at all sounds like is going just fine, in a similar position myself.

Obviously people differ but like you I dont like too much too fast. I wouldnt be able to cope with this.

Meeting up quickly- yes. Sex quite quickly- fine. A quick text most days or brief call might be okay too but 4 dates in 10 days would be wayyyy too much for me. There's something about texting in the morning which I don't ole. Especially if you've been in contact in the evening. It's not like anythings happened. Save it for after work when you have something to say (IMO).

If I've read your op right you've actually met more than 4 times but once was just brief? That's every other day!

I wouldn't really like the picnic either. It's sweet but a bit of a gesture for me.

"Don't get" not "don't ole"! Whoops.

Really blossom? What's your situation?

I think the reason I am confused is I was seeing someone for a few
Months in the summer and it was very: one date a week, not much emotional connection, probably quite guarded. That didn't feel enough for me, but others said it was a healthy way to date

'Too much' is in the eye of the beholder. This is one that you absolutely have to judge for yourself. Do you feel comfortable, in control, relaxed? If you do, carry on. If not, avoid the temptation to say 'I'm a bugger for overthinking' and have some faith in yourself.

Yeah the morning thing was something I don't usually do but with lately we've either both had some important work thing on we wish each other luck for or I fall asleep at night and send him a reply in the morning and suddenly, you're a morning texter!!! it's just crept up on me I suppose

I do feel very comfortable.

But I do worry about history repeating itself. And I AM a bugger for overthinking. There's just no denying that. I read too many dating guides before I got started I think

It's only too fast if you feel like it's going too fast for you and it's making you uncomfortable. I'm not aware of any socially-approved timescale for these things

anty Met OLD Match I think. We are on date 4 but text every day, he wants to be exclusive and told me only a moment ago how he thinks about me every day and I am beautiful. we have not DTD either, not done anything actually lol. I am slightly thinking whoa, but like you I have had a few bad experiences, so thinking it will go wrong.

Do you feel he's rushing you? I think that's what matters - if you are both comfortable with the speed you are going at, then it isn't 'too fast' or 'too slow'. The ones you need to watch out for are when you want to take your time, and they make you feel like you got caught be a steamroller and can only respond to what they want, and not do what works for you, because they're not giving you room to have doubts.

BTW.... just because your failed marriage started out as an intense whirlwind, it doesn't necessarily follow that all intensity should be avoided. If you like a partner to be enthusiastic and attentive, that's quite OK

I can understand your concern, OP. My own crappy and low-level abusive marriage (which lasted 14yrs and ended 16months ago) was also a whirlwind.

I recently met a guy online and he was fab but quite full-on at first, which I found overwhelming. We saw each other 3 times in 4 days initially (bonkers). I was a bit freaked out, despite liking him. I was quite reserved and purposely slowed things down to see how he would react.

He has been lovely and respectful and we are still seeing each other. In fact it's going rather swimmingly. The fact he respects and is comfortable with my boudaries makes him all the more attractive. Since April I have been seeing a counsellor and am consciously retaining a keen awareness of how I'm feeling. I've made some real changes there, emotionally, in relation to myself. Things have been intense with this guy, and moved fast, but with one key difference: I don't feel I completely 'know' him yet, the connection is totally there but I am not confusing the 'connection' with the 'knowing' which I did before, which led me to surrender my own autonomy to him. The relationship I have with this guy feels a lot more healthy (we talk a lot about getting to know each other) and a lot more grown up.
Hth
Good luck

Trust your instincts. If you feel comfortable and in control then great. If it feels rushed or uncomfortable then you need to do something about it, but the pace a relationship moves at is down to what feels right to the people involved. There's no clear right or wrong.