Ultimatums

[OliveGreen]

Do ultimatums in relationships ever work? I'd love to hear some opinions!

Depends. Who's making the ultimatums? What are they for? Are the ultimatums frequent and over trivial matters? Used as threats in order to control? A matter of last resort? Is the one making them prepared to follow through? How broken is the relationship that ultimatums are even on the horizon.... and is it worth saving if that is the case?

Cogito...thanks for that. Those questions are really helpful. In this case it is a "last resort" and very helpful to think about it in terms of "is the relationship worth it if an ultimatum is necessary".

I think you will get more helpful advice if you tell us your specific situation. You can change some details if you're worried about being recognised.

I suspect if you've got to that stage where you can't discuss something, and you feel you have to issue an ultimatum, you're unlikely to get the desired result without resentment.

I would say it depends what it's about though. And who you're saying it to.

They certainly work if you stick to your ultimatum. Ie don't do this/do this once more and your gone.

No.

Once it's come to that.
And will get resentment from the other part later as well.

The issuing of and capitulation to an ultimatum must breed resentment.

Sometimes they do..they did for me & my mother in law..on same issue when to have children...funnily enough my DP and FIL are besotted fathers...

Briefly...I have been with someone for 18 months. I've been living abroad and he visits often. When at my house we live together (sometimes for weeks at a time). I've made changes to my family/work/social life to make space for him. We describe our relationship as "committed". However, when I'm here in England (loooooong winters where I live!) I rent my own place, pay all my own expenses and he comes by when he's free. I'm welcome under sufferance in his house. I feel really uncomfortable with the situation but when I try to talk about it with him, he gets fairly nasty and says it's the way it has to be for now (he has a difficult family situation), it's completely reasonable and if I have a problem with it then I have issues I need to deal with....ONE DAY it will be different. Realistically I don't see what will change with his situation for the forseeable future. BTW he's not married, although I often feel like "the other woman". It's very sad because in loads of ways we have a great time together, especially when we're at mine, but this really eats at the heart of it for me.

It's SO helpful to read the comments from you all! Thanks.

What sort of ultimatum do you have in mind? What is it that you want to change? I can see that the living situations are not equitable, but what would make it feel more balanced for you?

If he's really unable to change his living situation in England, then would you prefer to have him rent his own place when he comes to visit you? He can't possibly object to you treating him the same way he treats you....

"when I try to talk about it with him, he gets fairly nasty "

That's not someone who is going to respond to an ultimatum. Maybe give yourself the ultimatum? A few more months to see if he shapes up voluntarily or you end it?

Coughie Yes, thanks. It's the inequality that I find so difficult, I realise. I guess that's more about me than about him, as in I could just not give as much.

I sort of already gave myself an ultimatum 3months ago, Cogito. No change so I guess that's my answer!!

This seems doomed from the off. Don't think any 'ultimatum' will help.

If yougive an ultimatum, you have to be ready for either response

So he won't let you stay at his place when you visit - whats his reasoning? If it's reasonable then IMO what is the point in issuing an ultimatum if his reasons are with foundation and then only temporary?

For me by the time I got to that point if I am honest with myself it was already dead. By the time he realised it was serious I had detached.

Thanks everyone...ended it last night, no ultimatums (I really took on board the point that, when it gets to that stage it's dead anyway). Soooo hard to stay true to my feelings but the inequality and unfairness was sucking the joy out of it for me (it's been a big financial drain too, I think I'm over-generous in a stupid way). I'm feeling very old and sad this morning....

Hope you're okay olive, you sound very brave.

It is hard but you deserve to be in a relationship in which you are both equal as far as possible. It sounds like you did all the giving and that was never going to be sustainable. Take care of yourself. You deserve better

Olive you were very brave to end it so well done on that score. Try to remember the mean things he did rather than focussing on the good all the time. You honestly deserve better. I hope you have some support. Break ups are hard even when you know its for the best. You will get over this. Be kind to yourself. Best wishes.

Definitely the right thing to do. It was clear that he did not completely accept you into his life.

Thanks to all of you...it helps a lot to read your comments. As is so often the way, it was the (non) discussion about Christmas that was the final straw. The only good thing to come out of the inequality is that I have a lot less to miss than him now that it's over.

Why do you want to be with someone who is nasty full stop? He doesn't make you feel welcome and do you really want someone to have to be forced by ultimatum to give you something they don't freely want too?

Value yourself more.

Sorry, I was so incensed he was being nasty to you I posted without reading everything.

You deserve better and you have done yourself a huge favour.

You are now free to be with someone who values you and does not take advantage.