Too much drinking

[icanneverremember]

Sorry about the title- this has absolutely nothing to do with drinking. I'm just worried of being outed by my H.
I've found that my H has been spending many hours gambling. He's spent hundreds of pounds that he doesn't have (overdraft) whilst claiming not to be able to afford Xmas presents for our 2 DDs and letting me pay for stuff (like family days out) because I thought he was skint.

My question is- is this only going to get worse? We have had issues anyway and were desperately trying to save things. Now this. Part of me is really angry about it and worried this is an addiction which will only go one way but the other part thinks well, it's his money (personal account) and at least it's not thousands- maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion.

Would love some perspective from someone who has dealt with this kind of addiction...

I think you would be foolish to minimise this 'it's his personal account' - so? If he's lost a lot of money then he has a problem. I don't like gambling but I'm aware that there are people who can for eg play poker and make a small income from it, because they know the game and know they can offset their losses. However if he's just chucking money at horses or whatever it is then it's a problem. If he's saying he can't afford Xmas presents then it's a massive problem because his addiction is taking priority over family costs and that will only get worse.
Honestly, if you had 'issues' and were 'desperately trying to save things' except it sounds like you were the only one desperately trying to save anything then I would suggest this is an issue too far. Separate your lives and your finances most importantly so he can't drag you down with him.

It's highly likely to get worse. I think trying to rationalise it that it's his personal account is not helpful. He's in debt, he's lying to you and you're having to subsidise his habit. That's a very selfish and disrespectful attitude in someone who is supposed to be a partner.

So you need to protect yourself, urgently.. Don't know how you found out but you need full disclosure now of all income, expenditure, accounts, credit agreements etc. Run an Experian-type report as your credit history may be being damaged. Confront him with his behaviour.

It is highly likely to get worse.

I would start the process of separating your lives as of now because there is usually one way such addiction goes with problem gamblers and that is ever downwards. Bankruptcy is a real possibility here going forward.

Seek legal advice as to where you currently stand re children and finances.

You've already had "issues" and were "trying to save things" (you were likely the sole one who was doing that but you cannot save a failing relationship on your own). It is okay to say enough and no more; your own financial future needs protecting here.

Your children are learning from you about relationships; what do you want to teach them?. This is not a role model that they should be learning from.

Having been there, my advice is get out now... I found out that my ex was a gambler when I was pregnant with my DD. It all came to a head when I found out that every penny of our savings had gone, and huge debts run up. He will have lost far more than he's willing to admit. Gamcare will provide support to family members- take it

Hi, thanks for the advice. He had actually been putting in a lot of effort and has recognised his shortcomings but perhaps it was mostly through guilt as he knew he was gambling too much.

Is this any different from anyone who spends money they haven't got? Eg I know people who spend lots on clothes whilst claiming to be broke. I wonder if he's just having a series of flutters as it's the start of the season...

It doesn't matter if he has the money to spare or he doesn't. The common denominator of all destructive habits and obsessions is the secrecy and deception. The broken promises, the 'lot of effort' that kicks the can down the road, the selfishness, the casual disrespect of anyone and everyone that stands in the way of their favourite fix. Mistrust kills relationships stone dead

I know you want to downplay this but it doesn't help. If you keep making excuses for him, it definitely will get worse. Minimum you require is full openness. If he wanted 'a flutter', it should have been above board and affordable.

somany I'm sorry you and your family had to go through that. Do you know what level it started out at? Was there any turning point at which you realised he was beyond your help?
Blimey, I need to check our credit card but pretty sure he hasn't used it as he seems to still have "room" in his overdraft...

Do you at all trust him now?. No trust - no relationship.

Think very carefully about the atmosphere at home because your children are picking up on all the vibes both spoken and otherwise. You cannot fully protect them from a father than gambles.

It already having an impact on your family as you are now and will be funding everything for your family as he is gambling away all his/your money.

He may not have used your joint credit card for gambling but using he will be using it to fund his day to day life as has gambled away his money.

Perhaps you need to a credit check to make sure he hasn't taken out any other credit cards/loans which you know nothing about.

Just checked and the credit card is ok. I think I need to ask him to show me all his finances. I know he's spent thousands on credit card for genuine work related stuff but he may have put more on them. Would his personal borrowing affect my credit rating as we're married?
I guess I don't really trust him as there has been previous internet misuse which led to my snooping and hence discovery.

Actually, dealing with our finances is one of his (only) contributions to running the household. One which I did, until now, trusthim with...

With respect... you don't give the wino the keys to the drinks cabinet.

cog I know. You'll see though that I said I trusted him with this until now. I've only just discovered the gambling. I knew he did a bit but I was under the impression he was using free credits and only using money he'd won from that with maybe the odd tenner a month thrown in.

attilla you mention going about separating our lives. Beginning to think that might be sensible, at least financially. How would I go about that?

clutter how do I go about doing a credit check?

You would need to seek legal advice on property, children and finances. Some solicitors may offer a free 30 minute consultation, speak to a couple of firms in any case. Knowledge is power after all.

Financially, as you are married, any cash and assets acquired during the marriage are deemed shared. This does not cover personal debts, however. So make sure you are fully up to speed with whose name is on what credit card or bank account as a starting point. Then make sure that all household and regular expenses are 100% covered as priority from an account that cannot be accessed solely by one party. Be very wary of ideas such as 'let me pay less towards bills so that I can clear off my debts'.... You're already subsidising his spending and that can easily creep up.

You can get a credit check by signing up to somewhere like Experian. You can subscribe, get the report and then cancel your subscription.

From my own experience I have to say it's unlikely to get better and more likely to get a lot worse. It's not just the financial side of it, it's the lying, deception, and the general affect it has on family life. My ex partner ( ex because of his gambling ) used to let me ( and the kids ) down continually with promises of days out/holidays etc which never happened as he'd blow all the money in the betting shop ( or online ). I ended up saving for things for me and the kids myself and have holidays etc without hm as I refused to pay for him when he was wasting all his money gambling. It broke the relationship and I should have kicked him out years before I actually did, as all his promises to change, amounted to nothing. He still gambles now, the relationship break up hasn't had the slightest impact on him to try and change. Of course you do read plenty of stories of gamblers who do turn their life around, but they really have to want to and they have to do it themselves. hopefully that will happen in your case, but don't wait around too long to find out.

OP, it started out as scratchcards and the occasional slot machine in the pub. Then moved onto a bit of online betting, using free bets etc. escalated to calling in sick to work and spending the day in the bookies. This happened over a period of about 8 months. He was always convinced that a big win was around the corner, and so could justify to himself placing bets with our rent money.

There were a few incidents before I found out, which with hindsight were the early big losses. He offered to put my wages in the bank for me to save me traipsing into town with morning sickness. 2 hours later he returned sobbing and apologising that he had lost his wallet with the money in. I was gutted, but he was so upset about it that it didn't cross my mind that it was anything other than bloody idiocy on his part. There were other times when he lost phones, cameras etc, which I now know were pawned to get cash to gamble with. Another time he told me he had been mugged on the way to pay rent to the landlord. Again, I believed him because I had no reason not to...

His moods were so linked to gambling, and again I now know that on the days when he came home bouncing off the walls, with gifts for me and bits for the baby, he'd had a win. The other days could end with him punching holes in the wall if I asked him to pay a bill/ get food on the way home.

I left for good when my daughter was 12 weeks old. She's now nearly 4 and I'm still finding debts run up in my name...

It is a very steep and slippery slope down as others have described. I have been with my gambler dp for 18 years. I tried everything people describe up thread to manage our finances, restrict his access to shared funds and so on but nothing helped until I got to the point of leaving him. Then he woke up and he stopped gambling about 4 years ago.

We stayed together.

But the damage has been done, he stole tens of thousands of pounds from me and our children, he lied, he deceived, he promised, he let us down. I love him but we don't have a proper, shared life because I have no trust and very little respect for him. I wish I had been brave enough to leave at the beginning. The toll has been too great. I wish you the strength I didn't have.

I think the OP's problem is that the sums are not that big yet. The DH is - as far as they know - 'only' going into the overdraft rather than gambling the rent money or pretending to have been mugged. They're in that no-mans-land between 'manageable gambling as normal entertainment' and 'serious gambling habit'

OP.. as other people have confirmed, it's never the amounts. It's the lies that go with it and the attitude that you, their partner, are too stupid to know what's happening.

cog yep, you've hit the nail on the head there - no man's land. Although, as you say the deceit has already started. Spending hours on his computer whilst I watch the kids, leading me to believe it's because he was working. Telling me how broke he/we are and happily letting me pay for things like preschool fees, swimming lessons and Christmas presents. I'm very interested about the moods as somany says - it's not a link I had made until now.