My mum shared private texts. Trigger warning sexual abuse.

[Imsuchamess]

I grew up with a mentally ill mum and a drug addict/dealer for a dad.

Everytime I was naughty my mum told me that me being naughty would make her mentally I'll.

She said she couldn't look after my dad as she was mentally I'll so when he took too much I had to from age 8. This involved helping him bath, cleaning up vomit and holding his head up so he didn't choke.

At 8 when my dad was in prison, mh mum got a boyfriend who badly sexually abused me. He would hold me under freezing cold water and say I was a dirty whore and he was cleansing me.

She let me in the car with a dog that had previously mauled two children and I nearly lost my life.

At 13 she failed to notice I had schizoaffective disorder and still denies it.

At 13-15 she knew I was in a abusive relationship and my partner would burn my genitals but did nothing. He eventually double raped me at 15 and I ended up pg.

She forced me to abort against my wishes. But wouldn't accompany me so I had to do it alone.

It went wrong and she didn't even notice I was hemmorraging. I only came clear at last minute because she left me to look after my sister because she was feeling mentally I'll after all the stress. I spent a month in hospital because of the abuse/anorexia/termination.

Well I'm on a mixed episode and I was out with friends when she turned up screaming and shouting cus I had been out a lot that week. Well I was manic and sent two horrid texts saying how much she screwed me up I also called her a selfish hypocritical cunt (she said I was damaging my dc by going out at night leaving them with perfectly respectable dh).

My nan got back late last night and has already been shown the texts. With no explanation that I was I'll and my mother said nothing of her part in it all or the things she said to me. My nan is angry with me said I should never have called her the c word and owe more than the apology I've given and should buy flowers.

All I can say to that is like fuck. Also I am angry my mother shared them and played herself up as some kind of victim.

Sorry it's so long

Op - i don't know what to say

How does your nan not see what your mother was like?

I'm glad to read that last sentence as You have nothing to apologise for. Sorry You've been through so much.

Hi, I am so sorry that you have experienced these horrific things in your life.

I hope you are able to access support in real life, your gp would be able to refer you for counselling. There are also lots of great helplines that other posters always mention, am sure someone will recommend some.

Have you thought about going no contact with your mum? You could always do it for a bit, see how it goes, might help?

You deserve to see friends and you certainly deserve to be happy. Are you getting some help for what has happened though your life. Sounds like you're turning things around. More credit to you

You've posted this before op?

I have no idea why your nan or your mum would even expect you to have contact with them, given that they have both utterly failed you for decades.

Their feelings should be no concern of yours.

I wouldn't have even apologised. She should be asking your forgiveness not the other way round.

Oh god. I'm so so sorry you've gone through all this. None of it was your fault. Under these circumstances I would consider no contact or at the very least limited contact, with very strict boundaries.

hi again. are you in regular/frequent/daily touch with your psych team? its important you get this stuff out but the people on mumsnet can't offer anything other than moral support.

[as you know, my mum was schizophrenic, as they said in those days. I know from experience that we can't make it right, and hope that you are in touch with those who really can help a bit]

You my dear are the reason why child protection services exist but also why they need to be strengthened. Take care of you loved ones and to hell with the rest of them.

You mother will try to draw you back in as will any of the others. If I were you I would carve out a completely new life with your children and make sure you have all the support you can.

Well I'm on a mixed episode and I was out with friends when she turned up screaming and shouting cus I had been out a lot that week. Well I was manic and sent two horrid texts saying how much she screwed me up I also called her a selfish hypocritical cunt (she said I was damaging my dc by going out at night leaving them with perfectly respectable dh).

I think what has happened here is she thinks she is seeing history is repeating itself. You need to let out what has happened, you are allowed to be angry. If you are manic though you probably shouldn't be going out with friends, you should be getting yourself better at home. None of this is your fault, your illness, your mania, your anger - remember that and work on some healing.

Thanks all yes I have posted different bits of this before but not the exact same thing as I have here usually just post parts of it.

My nan is very self centered and doesn't really see much unless it's affecting her, she also seems to believe that children don't have feelings .

I had a phone call last week saying my name had come up for counselling and I should receive another call to arrange a time and date. No idea why they didn't arrange one then .

I hope the counselling will help and my biggest fear is that I will continue the cycle with my own dc.

Well your message was so bad I just could not reply when I first read it.

Why do you keep these people in your life?

Get yourself some counselling and please do not engage with anyone who brings anything negative into your life.

Follow up the counselling if they don't get back to you. Everything you can do to help yourself and make things right for them will mean the world to your dc when they are older.

I think when you've had a pretty sheltered and 'normal' nice upbringing, its hard to understand that people who have been failed and hurt terribly by those that should care most for them - still want to have a relationship with these people?
But if this is all you've known and you still love this person if is incredibly difficult to just shrug off these feelings and to walk away?
Imsuchamess - I too am so sorry that you have been unlucky, and I don't know how you begin to put these things behind you because I'm no expert on these matters -all I would say tho is that in anything you do your own and your children's feelings and safety need to come above anybody else's and your healing is of top priority - unfortunately and sadly whatever your mum or nan feels has to be a problem to them and not you, because they have been unable to put you first -

You will not continue the cycle with your dc AT ALL.

Look at the depth of your feelings. They pour from your posts. Your life is, thankfully, different now and you would never hurt your dc in the way that you have been hurt.

Stand your ground. I would seriously recommend no contact (far easier said than done, I know) but realistically, your mother and grandmother don't seem to bring anything positive to your life. If they do then I would question whether there are enough positives to balance the horrific negatives.

Thank you all. I guess it's hard because I always seem to want her to be a mum to me. It's like never having one makes me crave it all the more.

Plus believe it or not while she was a crap mum I said when I was 15 for the sake of my sister that if she didn't leave my dad and shape up I would tell as everything.

Since then she has been better for my sister and is a good nan to my dc. It's just with me the wounds run too deep too forgive. Even though she has actually changed (for the most part) yes she still does some horrid things like show that text but mostly she is better.

I just can't forgive her for my past and what really upsets me is she isn't trying to earn it. She just wants to draw a line like it never happened.

I honestly don't know how ss didn't remove me I really don't.

I will consider the no contact more deeply and see if I think she is worth keeping in my life. I have gone no contact with my dad even though I was closer to him as he when not high did look after me. But he still uses so I cut contact. Maybe I need to do the same with my mum.

Some people find it hard to change, in fact most people do. So the thing to do is to not expect that of your mother. What is more important than no contact, which is hard because everyone needs their Mum, right? ...is to expect her behaviour to be crap. That way you will always be making good decisions about how much you let her in. So if something happens and you feel like you want to tell her, anticipate what she will do, expect the worst and just don't tell. That way she won't turn your relationship into a drama. She is probably fully aware that any day you could reject her, so just don't do it visibly. If you can, just put on a bit of a front.

You shouldn't have to forgive her or anyone else for anything. You have to forgive yourself though and accep that you have no duty to anyone apart from your own children.

Try and view interactions with your mother as a damage limitation exercise. Less contact is more, but first understand her behaviour, predict her responses and make sure you are doing the right thing by you DCs not just for today but for the rest of their lives.

And focus on the good people in your life. Recognise them, nurture them. If DP is a good man, let him help you through this and look after him.

And the psychiatric services of course, they are here to help you so make use of their expertise and knowledge. They will have seen similar cases to yours an will know how to deal with it better than anyone so try and trust them to do that.

firstly you have absolutely nothing to apologise for!!

you have been badly let down and abused by people who should have cared and protected you.

chase up the counselling urgently if you think it will help you but I think your very best course of short term action is to go no contact with your mum and your nan!