Is it me? Some advice needed (long, sorry)...

[Raku12345]

Hi, I am new to mumsnet so sorry if I don't follow the forum protocol..

I need some honest opinions on my partners attitude, as I am feeling quite low and confused. I have read that dripfeeding is frowned upon so will try and be brief but include relevant details, if that's possible...

Background - we met 5 years ago, have been living together for nearly 4. We bought a house together of which I paid the full large deposit and bought all the furniture as he had no money (only debts) as he had split from his wife when we met and had left the family home with just his clothes. I funded this from the sale of my house in a more expensive area. I also moved across the country away from family and friends to be with him. I did all of this willingly, so just saying as background.

We have a ten month old DD whom we both adore. We are both early 40's. DP also has two late-teenage children living with his ex-wife whom we see regularly which I really enjoy and they love DD. He pays half of his wages after tax for child maintenance and maintenance for her which was difficult for us financially but fine up until recently. He has quite a good middle management role. His ex is regularly on the phone asking for more money, saying she can't cope, needs money for x, y and z. We always give her more money as feel it is hard to bring up teenagers and although she works full time, she does not earn a huge amount. However,recently she asked for some more help and DP offered to look at her fiances to see where she might be able to help herself. We got a shock to say the least. After his payments, benefits and her wage, she gets more than double left to spend on herself every month than we do (and I mean on herself - this is after bills, food, kids clothes, petrol etc etc is taken into account). She has been spending hundreds of pounds on cosmetics and clothes, ready meals and cigarettes, shopping at convenience stores rather than supermarkets because she can't be bothered to shop in a supermarket, and despite having a car (that my DP pays the loan for). We have been struggling for a while as I was made redundant whilst pregnant and as I was pregnant, could not find another job, so we lived on my redundancy money as well as his wage but this obviously reduced our income. Now I earn a very small amount so our income has dramatically reduced whilst not changing what we pay her and we are struggling. So DP is going to decrease the amount her gives her. BTW, please note that I completely agree that he should provide for his children. I very much DO think he should and so does he.

Anyhow, besides this, I have been at home with DD since she was born. Recently I have started to go back to work freelancing, for the money and the sanity! I only do a few hours a week but because freelancing pays well, I earn as much as if I worked in an office for say 16 hours a week. This means DD only has to go to nursery for two mornings a week - I think we both enjoy the break tbh. However, I feel that I have gone from being a fairly independent woman to a domestic drudge with very little help from DP. I know that he works full time so I am happy to do the majority of household chores. But I do practically everything - you know, cooking, shopping, cleaning, ironing, stuff for his kids etc all the baby care including feeding, bottles, putting to bed etc etc. He doesn't do anything during the week when he comes home from work (works a 8:30 to 6 job usually, home by 7). Whereas my day finishes about 8:30pm after I have done things for the next day, DD is in bed etc. I have asked him to do a little more - less in the house really but just some little DIY jobs that really need doing. He says I nag and he did the decorating last year (I paid for the new materials, carpets etc from redundancy payment). He has now said he is going to the gym twice a week - after work and before work. I asked, what about me. He said I could go at the weekend. What, when I am doing the house chores?! I said we needed to be fairer but he took offence and said he was fair, as he helped out at the weekend. What he means is that he plays with his daughter whilst I do housework or catch up on preparation for work. What is making it worse is that I am 4 months pregnant and just think that I will end up being even more of a domestic drudge. I have to say that he is extremely emotionally supportive (i suffer from depression) and has taken her to play so that i can rest if i have not been well (have had severe nvp). I just need to know am I asking too much, as he does work full time. A friend of mine says all men are like this. I know my dad was but that was eons ago! Honest (but gentle!) opinions please....sorry it's so long.

Sounds like two distinct problems

1. Amount of maintenance paid to exW and DCs. I'd say this is a legal matter and, if the amount wasn't formalised, now would be a good time to do it. Saves a lot of arguments

1. Domestic stuff should be approached as a team effort with the emphasis on fairness and equality and everyone has a different perspective on what that means because everyone has different standards of expectations. Your 'all men are like this' friend clearly has very low standards, for example. If you feel like put-upon drudge then the balance is wrong. If you can't discuss solutions between you and can't express how you feel without it ending in falling-out, you've got a more serious problem. How do you deal with any other areas of disagreement?

Hi there,

Thanks for responding. There is no legal agreement in place between he and his ex as such, as they were trying to keep things amicable. Perhaps there needs to be.

We can both be quick to anger although it doesn't last long. I do find that often in a disagreement that he refuses to see my point of view then if I get upset (not on purpose!), he will relent and say oh ok, I can do x, y or z. We do agree on most things but obviously not everything.

Amicable can often be exploited. Legal agreements cost more but they are binding on all sides and less easy to exploit.

You (plural) need to find a way to disagree constructively without resorting either to obstinacy or waterworks. Could be that you need help in conflict resolution through relationship counselling. Could be, of course, that the whole SAHM/domestic thing really isn't your thing - a lot of women find it boring and demeaning - and you should make plans to return to the workplace, paying others to clean and do child-care etc. But you'll benefit from better communication either way.

He really needs to seek legal advice on the money he is paying his ex. It needs to be fair. Are they divorced yet?

When your man became your partner and father to your children it was not on the condition that you looked after everything and everyone. Because that isn't fair. Your not a housekeeper/nanny/PA. If he wants to be your partner and a father then he needs to act like one. At the moment you're doing it all on your own.

I would say you have got the power to take control of the situation and tell your partner what you find acceptable in terms of his contribution which at the moment is nil.

Stand up to him, don't be a slave then he won't be able to treat you as one. Tell him that you are starting to question his commitment and respect for you.........

I went back to work after my first DS was born, I refused to do housework in that time and we still shared the chores in evenings and at the weekend as we had done when we both worked full time. I pointed out that if I wanted to go part time to do housework, I'd have done it before we had children - I spent my time being a mum and having a lovely time with my baby.

After the 2nd though - financially I had to go back FT so i was glad not to have got into the habit of doing all while he was at work.

Read Wifework