Why get married?

[glub]

In a heterosexual marriage:

What are the advantages for men?
What are the advantages for women?

Ie why on earth bother? I've had a Google but not come up with much.
I'll say that so far I reckon that registering our coupledom would give us a few quid in tax advantages and for me recognise with his money if we were to split up my input into childcare and my restricted earning potential.
But for him? He sees it as a lose lose situation. Reckons his money would go straight to the kids anyway and would rather do without the probably minor tax benefits than go through a divorce and lose a lot more. And apparently hospitals now recognise partners as next of kin is that right?
Please help.
Ps don't mention love! Love exists without laws and contracts! Or is it a loving gift to the wife to trust her with his money making potential?
Equality...pah... Or is marriage and the associated divorce law the leveller? I guess that's another topic altogether though!

"They are not a pair, they do not come hand in hand"

One may not be an inevitable consequence of the other but it's certainly a reasonably likely outcome.

Thinking about divorce when marrying is like thinking about being burgled when buying a house. You hope it doesn't happen, and it isn't inevitable that it happens, but you still buy insurance.... or you'd be a fool.

wise advice Cogito, when all goodwill is gone from a relationship both partners need legally defensible rights.

Until everything is equal that is unmarried partners having exactly the same rights as married ones, then you must opt for marriage. Unless you are protecting your own interests.

It's about commitment. If you both love each other and want to spend the rest of your life together why not make a public statement.

Statistically, married couples stay together more than co-habiting couples. Now that may be a self fulfilling prophecy. But equally it is about both making the effort for a relationship to survive, and about not etering into one that won't.

I think it is great that we live in a society where we can cohabit and where there is no stigma attached to having children without being married. However making the commitment to be with someone, sharing property, and committing to having children is viewed somehow in a romantic, rosy light - I love him/her, I trust him/her, he/she is my soulmate. That's lovely. But being together, financing your life in the short term and the longs term, dealing with the practicalities of day to day living, and having children should also be a hard-headed and logical look at how that might work out.

If, in the rosy glow of love and tenderness you can't discuss or compromise or reach agreement on who will pay for what, or if you can't share with your loving partner what your dreams and practical expectations are for the future, then how on earth are you going to do it when you're sleep deprived, relying on one wage, and potentially with vastly different responsibilities for earning and childcare?

I agree with the sentiment in this, and I think that part of 'entwining your roots' is about financial and legal entanglement (or at least the ability to discuss it and make joint agreements):

"Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.

And when it subsides you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together
that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness,
it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.
That is just being "in love" which any fool can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two."

DP is protected in the event of my death - stuff like pension/death in service benefit/life insurance etc is all clearly set up (split between him and DS) - also in event of illness or his death etc
the financial control I would have in event of a split is important to me - if was in the reverse position i would possibly think differently however it wouldn't be deal breaker if I wanted to get married iyswim

I presume you both have wills in place?.

Handy guide here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm

wow lots to think about thank you everyone! i will check out that other post and that radio show.

foolishlady 'For the higher earner/one with more assets, marriage is a very risky business' - this sums up his feeling but only because he doesn't know much about it. so here i am doing some research...

venusandmars that's rather lovely my eyes welled up a little

i wish we didn't have to worry about being contracted into being together!

and i'm looking into getting a will right now!

"He sees it as a lose lose situation"
Charming. You are right not to may someone who feels like that about you. He should see giving you more legal rights and stability in the event of children / financial dependency / divorce as a good thing.

Imagine if I'd lived with my partner for several years and he died - I couldn't legally make medical decisions in the event of emergencies or palliative care, or make his funeral arrangements! So getting married ensures your legal rights as next of kin.

If I had children with him but wasn't married, custody and access issues should things turn sour take a phenomenally more complicated turn.

There are tax advantages, but relatively minor.

If you buy a property together, personally, it's imperative you afford your investment the legal protection of marriage, surely?

IMO I believe (hope) that marriage commits a couple more fully. I'd take the vows seriously 'til death do us part' and consider it a proper contract.

Because it binds the family unit together traditionally. I have two children of my own and my current boyfriend has none. Marriage would make him a Stepfather too, which I feel is an honourable bestow.

Because at 45 I want to call him 'my husband', not my 'boyfriend'. It makes me feel silly, and like a divorcee, or a cougar.

He sees it as a lose lose situation. This would make my blood boil I'm afraid. I'd feel like making it a lose lose lose situation by walking out the door or asking him to. But of course I realise we have to think of our family. Your DP is thinking of himself. And that's why this isn't right.

'For the higher earner/one with more assets, marriage is a very risky business' - this sums up his feeling but only because he doesn't know much about it

"but only because"?

On the contrary. The fact that he thinks there could be anything remotely risky about it shows exactly that he does know a reasonable bit about it.

And it is a lose-lose situation for the person with assets or higher earnings; IF that's the way they are viewing it.

If you show him that you could potentially be very vulnerable as an unmarried SAHM, then what he does (not says) next will be very telling for you.

'lose lose' well if i cheated on him then walked off with half his assets i could sympathise even if i hated him.

re being vulnerable as an unmarried sahm: we're currently living apart after our last split and despite a bit of bother initially he has been consistent in supporting us financially and doing his share of parenting. it's been fine. more money wouldn't have been able to change the things that have proved difficult eg finding suitable housing.

Tbh if you are evaluating marriage in this utilitarian way then it clearly has no meaning for you and you should just give it a miss.

Whereas if he cheated on you, he could walk off with all his assets and leave you with nothing except a sinking feeling that you should probably have done something about it sooner....

"we're currently living apart after our last split "

It's no wonder he doesn't want to get married or commit financially if you're always splitting up.

Epic drip feed accompanied by a ship that has LONG since sailed.....

I've always regarded marriage as a public declaration, it might be old fashioned but cohabiting doesn't seem to have that same commitment. Though I guess people who do see having kids together and buying a house as a commitment to being a couple.

If I was to get married again we would both have to consider current assets, do we each own a house for example, and what we each want our children to inherit.

My pension and death in service benefits do not recognise anyone except a wife and kids so I can't nominate anyone else.

Why get married?

So that a few years down the line she's not posting 'Five years, three kids and he still hasn't proposed to me, sob, sob' .

chunderella we'd both like to live together again - now we are older and wiser! - and be a family in that way but i had this idea that i'd like to be married before doing that... anyway i appreciate so much all the answers everyone has given they have been compiled into a word document that i'm going to get out this weekend for face to face discussion :)