Puppet on a string!

[moonshine123]

Basically that's me!! How can I stop this? I feel with both my mother and husband they control me and I let them as I people please and out others needs before my own.

Sometimes I can not believe im such a door mat and wish I had a voice to shout out what I want but just cant!! So frustrating and upsetting, especially at my age ( mid 30s)

Anyway needed to get that off my chest x

You don't put others' needs before your own. You do what you think people want in order to buy their approval and love. That is not how love works. People either love you for who you are or not at all and trying to convince them to love you by being what you think they want will never work.

So stop it.

You do have a voice but there's only you can operate it.

What kinds of things do your mother and husband expect you to do? Is it direct requests? Assumptions of compliance? Taking you for granted? Guilt-tripping?

What do you do for yourself? If your diary was split between activities you do for yourself and activities you do for others, what would be the percentage for you.... and how could you increase it so that you're too busy to look after others?

The important bit about your post is "...and I let them." Assertiveness isn't about 'shouting out' but quietly and firmly stating your (non-negotiable) boundaries. There are numerous books about learning assertiveness, as it often comes up in the working world as well as domestically and in family situations. The rotten thing about being a doormat is that, far from liking you enormously for being so 'easy-going', people tend to despise you and ignore your needs all the more.

I do most things to please them, they don't like me talking to certain people, doing certain things etc. My husband doesn't like me to speak to my male colleauges, go out with friends for nights out etc. I have to explain if im home late from work and often feel anxious if I leave the office late.
My mum is the same, likes to still be in charge of me, sometimes I dream of just taking off, of course in the real world I just cant x

You're pleasing them and they sure aren't making much effort to please you! You need a self esteem boost:) would you dictate to them? No, of course not.

Two issues

Does your mother live with you? Practice saying " that's an interesting idea, have to think about that" and change the subject. This is thread all on its own.

Your dh sounds a tool though. Has he always been like that? Do you have dc?

I think this goes way beyond control and sounds more like domestic abuse. No-one can dictate who you speak to or where you go. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone. If you are feeling anxious just for leaving the office late that is very unhealthy and your reaction is consistent with a victim of bullying.

Do you all live together? What happens to your wages? Do you have children? Does the bullying extend beyond dictating your movements? What else are you forced or expected to do? Do you ever refuse? Are you threatened ever if you don't comply?

Assuming you are an adult woman living in the UK you are entitled to do exactly as you please within the law. What you have written is extremely concerning, you sound like a prisoner in your own home and I think you should talk to someone in confidence e.g. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247

No mother doesn't live with me and H. I only work so my wage covers all that needs to be done, we have 1 child.

I suppose im not threatened it more the moods and huffs that make life difficult, I end up just doing things to keep the peace really! x

Does 'I only work' mean you're the sole earner in your home? 'Moods and huffs' that are bad enough to make you feel anxious just because you leave work late etc are a form of intimidation and manipulation. Bullies will use 'moods and huffs' to control others. By keeping the peace you are not acting freely... you are being controlled.

Are you a British national OP?

My husband doesn't like me to speak to my male colleauges, go out with friends for nights out etc. I have to explain if im home late from work and often feel anxious if I leave the office late. My mum is the same, likes to still be in charge of me,

good grief, what a way to live for a grown woman. I assume your husband does not feel the same rules should apply to him? or your mum?

First instinct is to say kick them both to the curb. Easy to say, hard to do. But I think you need to work on strengthening yourself to stand up to them.

They won't like it. They'll kick and scream. You'll have to plan how to handle that. But it's far far healthier for you and, in fact, for them.

The only proviso is, as a PP says, if your husband might get threatening in which case you need outside help. In fact, I'd be sure to take copies and hide those copies of all important documents either way because he's so controlling. He won't like seeing a moonshine who's growing her clipped feathers out.

Yes I am the main/only earner in our home, I also pay for everything.

I do live in the UK, I am just a very weak person I guess. I always try to please and accommodate others, but now I can clearly see just how much I am being walked on!

But I don't think I can change now as I have been this way my whole life, I just hope my daughter doesn't end up like me, a complete walkover x

It's worse than being walked on. You really could change your life - and that of your DD - if you wanted to. There are people who would help you. At the moment, she's growing up seeing how your husband talks to you, watching you get anxious and going out of your way to appease the bully and, sadly, she'll think that's normal. How old is she?

The husband that doesn't work. Is he a SAHD? Elderly? Disabled? If he doesn't approve of you having a social life does that mean he stays home 24/7 as well?

Congratulations on posting here - I'm guessing it wasn't an easy step to take, but you should be proud of yourself for admitting that things aren't right. It's a very important first step too. Listen to what everyone has to say, and perhaps you can begin to make changes in your life. A long long time ago I also used to feel anxious if I was late home from work, or if I couldn't answer a phone call in time etc etc. It took me a while to realise that my "artistic musician" boyfriend was living off me and also doing very well at keeping me on a short leash. It took a while to get rid, but I was happier living alone (before I met DH) than dancing to someone else's tune.

You're threatened really though, because atm the moods and huffs make you behave a certain way. If you ignored him and / or told him not to be such a tool, would he just huff more? Have you ever gone against his ( quite frankly) bizarre rules? What happens if your dd argues with him? Do you stick up for her or side with him?

Does he work? Why are you working to cover all you need? Do you mean cover you and your dd? Is your dd his? Sorry about the questions!

Good to know your dm doesn't live with you though. Does she care for your dd at all? Or do anything for you which could constitute a hold over you?

My mum dotes on my little girl, she is 7 so not really too much at the stage of arguing with dad yet!
I work to cover all our needs, he is her dad, he is capable of work but doesn't.

My mum is very caring, maybe sometimes too much and that when it gets controlling. My husband the same, I think they both view me as alittle girl who can not look after herself.

We had 3 days of freedom last month, I took my our little girl away for a shopping/fun trip, just us, it was absoloutly glorious xx

Do you have a friend you can confide in ?
Hate to ask, but are you white British or are you from a culture where it is more acceptable for husbands to control their wives ?

Please don't excuse this appalling behaviour as 'caring too much'. There is no excuse for controlling or bullying behaviour whether it's from a parent, partner or anyone else.

Is your husband actively seeking employment? Does he fill his time doing work around the house while your DD is at school? What is he contributing, in other words, besides trying to restrict your movements and crush your already low self-esteem?

You are not a little girl and you are better placed to look after yourself than a lazy man with no income. He knows this.... you're his meal-ticket.... that's why he bullies you into sticking around.

That feeling you had for 3 days shopping and having fun. That could be your life 24/7 if you refuse to be treated this way any longer and ask for help to change.

Questionnaire: Are You Being Emotionally Abused?
Answer the following questions to help determine weather or not you are being emotionally abused in your relationship.

1. Do you feel as if your partner treats you like a child? Does he constantly correct you or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate”? Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even the smallest decisions? Do you have to account for any money you spend, or does he attempt to control your spending (even through he has no problem spending on himself)?

1. Does your partner treat you as if you are “less than” or inferior to her? Does your partner make a point f reminding you that you are less educated or that you make less money or that you aren’t as attractive as she is?

1. Does your partner routinely ridicule, dismiss, or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?

1. Does your partner constantly belittle our accomplishments, your aspirations, or your plans for the future?

1. Do you find yourself “walking on eggshells?” Do you spend a lot of time monitoring our behavior and/or watching for your partner’s bad moods before bringing up a subject?

1. Have you stopped seeing many or all of your friends and/or family since being in this relationship? Did you do this because your partner dislikes them, because your partner feels jealous of the time you spend with them, or because you are ashamed of the way he treats you in front of them? Did you stop seeing friends and family because you are ashamed of the fact that you’re still with hi, even though you’ve complained to them many times about the way he treats you?

1. Does your partner usually insist on getting her own way? Does she want to be the one to decide where you will go, what you will do, and whom you will do it?

1. Does your partner punish you by pouting, by withdrawing from you, by giving you the silent treatment, or by withholding affections or sex if you don’t do things his way?

1. Does your partner frequently threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do things her way?

10. Does your partner constantly accuse you of flirting or having affairs even though it isn’t true?

11. Does your partner feel he or she is always right?

12. Does your partner seem impossible to please? Does she constantly complaint to you about some aspect of your personality, your looks, or the way you choose to run your life?

13. Does your partner frequently put you down or make fun of you in front of others?

14. Does your partner blame you for his or her problems? For example, does he claim it is your fault he flies off the handle and starts screaming? Are you to blame for her problems with compulsive overeating? Because she has a drinking problem? Does he blame you for not being able to finish college or fulfill his dream of becoming and actor (author, musician, singer, etc)?

15. Does your partner feel you are the one who is responsible for all the problems in the relationship?

16. Does your partner’s personality seem to go through radical changes? Is she pleasant one minute only to be furious the next? Does he become enraged with only the slightest provocation? Does she experience periods of extreme elation followed b periods of severe depression? Does his personality seem to change when he dinks alcohol?

17. Does your partner tease you, make fun of you or use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you? When you complain, does he tell you it was just a joke and that you are too sensitive or don’t have a sense of humor?

18. Is your partner unable to laugh at herself? Is he extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of her or making any kind of comment that seems to show lack of respect?

19. Does your partner find it difficult or impossible ot apologize or admit when he is wrong? Does she make excuses for her behavior or tend to blame others for her mistakes?

20. Does your partner constantly pressure you for sex or try to persuade you to engage in sexual acts that you find disgusting? Has he ever threatened to find someone else who will have sex with or who will engage in the activities he is interested in?