Self Sabotage

[Joysmum]

I've known for a while that I self sabotage. The happier/more successful I am, the more I feel the need to screw it all up. It doesn't help that when friends/family try to be supportive they tell me I'm more than capable etc. what they don't realise is that this isn't the issue, it's more a feeling of not be worthy or deserving of success or happiness.

I know this comes from something in my past where, on paper at least, I should have done something differently and so have spent the rest of my life paying for it by trying to make amends and helping others be the best they can and trying to make a difference for others, people pleasing and being a rescuer.

The last week I had a bit of a meltdown. I've realised that no matter what I do, how good a person I am, I can never come to terms with things in my own head hence the self sabotage as punishment/penance.

Having talked to my supportive DH he has pointed out that I need help that he can't give. I can't continue like this and I'm seeking professional help to try to come to terms with my past.

I was just wondering if anyone else self sabotages and has successfully found alternative coping strategies and learnt how to overcome their need to self sabotage?

I have no answer sadly, but just wanted you to know I could have written your post myself.

My OH is always telling me to take my finger off the self destruct button.

I am watching in the hope of picking up some tips

I think that's the thing, I'm doing my family no favours. Everyone else sees me as capable, I make things happen for everyone else and work to get them their goals, just can't do it for myself.

I confided in my DH a number of years back but we never discussed it until a couple of nights back and that's when I realised that no matter how good I am, I can never make up for things. My lack of action all those years ago allowed more bad things to happen to others.

I guess that's why I'm attracted to mumsnet. I don't get close to anyone but like to help if I can, it's back to trying to make the world a better place as much as I can. If there's nobody in crisis in my life, I come running back to here.

I found the Jimmy Saville case was the catalyst. I've heard it said his good works were his way of trying to pay for his evil. I realise that's what I've been doing, trying to give, trying to make up for never speaking out back then, never even seeing it as an issue because I'd minimized things anyway.

So I'm desperately seeking hope from others who have found a way forwards, found a way to live with their shortcomings.

How exactly do you self-sabotage? And why do you think people who don't speak out about abuse are failures? And because I know you'll say that you don't think others are failures so the follow up is..... why do you hold yourself to higher standards than other people? :)

I live with my shortcomings by accepting that I will never be perfect and refusing to be defined by my many and lurid mistakes. I prefer to think about my strengths. There are plenty of other people willing to give me a hard time over the things I get wrong....

I am exactly the same. I always always press the self-destruct button and I don't know how to stop it. Sorry no words of advice but I do really and truly understand.

I had a similar sort of problem although mine was related more to confidence. I had hypnotherapy to deal with it in the end, though what I found was the cause was a bit of a surprise, maybe think about that or some cbt. Good Luck.

I do it too with work and with relationships. My counsellor thinks that I don't value myself and she's right. I never see the positive in me and am constantly amazed by everyone else's strengths.

I am currently keeping DP at arm's length and can't work out if I am self sabotaging or right to, but that's a whole other thread.

Counselling is hard but worthwhile. I think of it like the gym, if it's comfortable then you're not doing it properly.

I do this too :( As soon as things are good, I end it all and start again. Why?