Dementia in Parents

[ZaraW]

I've never had a good relationship with my dad he is argumentative and if you don't agree with him he tells you to shut up and as far as he is concerned that is the end of the conversation. I don't put up with it but unfortunately my mum does and never challenges him.

We think he may have early stages of dementia, his memory is really awful, his sense of direction is really poor (it used to be very good) and he constantly hums and sings and is confused very easily. It has been mentioned a few times why not go to the doctor to get checked out but he absolutely refuses. Part of me thinks he is scared not to get help. My mum tried to talk to him and he said they would put him away. She assured him that wouldn't be the case but maybe they would put him on meds. but since then he refuses to talk about it.

Has anyone had experience of this kind of thing?

TIA

My mum has dementia, and it was initially apparent before she was 70 when she became shouty (not her at all), and could be confused very quickly by anything new. She still has no insight at all, despite having pretty severe issues now.

Mums GP did the initial tests at a routine appointment, after dad talked to them about the problems she was having, so its worth talking to the GP, and they will usually find a way to assess someone.

How old is your dad?

I have no solid experience other than being in a similar position.

My dad - with whom I have a good relationship- is forgetful, gets confused a little and has become much more short tempered and aggressive. he's always been a black-white kind of person in his opinions but has become worse as he's aged.

He's had a few 'rages' recently and belittled my mum in front of tradesmen etc-when she has offered opinions - which is more about him holding onto power as the Man of The House than anything.

We suspect the rages are down to frustration after a minro stroke some time back- he's still pretty sharp but sometimes his mind is slower and the frustration builds.

I suggested to my mum that he might have dementia of a kind and why didn't she talk to the GP who might suggest some tests for dad when he was next down there for a check up as he too is adamant that he doesn't need any assessment. However, he's not due for a check up often, so there is little we can do.

sadly, if your dad doesn't want to see a dr, no one can force him and my mum says she respects dad's right not to see anyone.

CMOTDibbler thank you for your help. Did your GP suggest meds or any other way the dementia can be controlled? My dad hates the doctors and NEVER gets a check up. He's in his early 70's. He has never talked about his feelings even when my brother died when he was a teenager he never talked about it. I don't have much hope of him ever wanting to get help.

Pinkfrocks thank you. That is my concern we can't make him go to see a doctor if he really doesn't want to. I can't remember the last time he saw his GP. It's much worse for my mum as the singing and humming is really bad and if you ask him nicely to stop he just makes a sarcastic comments and continues to sing even louder.

I would suggest your mum talks to the GP. The doctors are very used to this and may have some good suggestions about how to engineer an appointment.

Good luck!

The memory clinic (which is the next step after the GP identifys a problem) have tried mum on 3 drugs, but unfortunatly none have helped - but she doesn't have classical alzheimers. But they were able to signpost help for dad to be able to understand her behaviours better, and get help in caring.

We had similar. We suspected my FIL had dementia, even wrote to his GP asking that when dad next came in could they ask the right questions to see if we were worrying about nothing.

All we had back was an impersonal letter saying that if dad was worried he should make an appointment and completely missing the point that we were worried and just want dad to be asked some relevant questions.

He was later admitted to A&E after a bad fall. Occupational health wanted him to go home and said the support he had there and his home was suitable. Luckily I was there when she visited dad and followed the woman out of the ward for further discussion. If I had not been there to contradict what she'd been told he still wouldn't have been diagnosed with vascular dementia even then.

There are various types of dementia. Dementia is a symptom, the different types of dementia are the cause of those symptoms so are treated differently.

To put it simply, some are where pathways in the brain get blocked, others when they get rubbed out. Getting a diagnosis as to the type affects the treatment.

With dad it was between Lewy bodies and vascular and it was vital to get the correct diagnosis as if you treated for the wrong one it would be detrimental.

Mostly, it's down to management. Putting in place systems now while there is still capacity to build habit as habits remain longer than memories do.

My advice is that you have to get him to the doctor ASAP to get a diagnosis for the right treatment and to bud in the habits in advance of when the mind fails.

My Mum's doctor, when I called them, offered to pay her a home visit and call it an 'Over-70's health check'. That got the ball rolling and she's now on the radar, getting regular visits etc.

Your mum was cooperative though. I suspect my dad would refuse to allow them in the house. He'd know it was a ruse.

My DM also knew it was a ruse. Told me that they asked her a lot of 'silly questions' and thought it was all quite ridiculous. She hasn't got dementia, you understand, she just has a problem with hoards of 'gypsies' camped out in the shrubbery and creeping into the house to steal things.... The medical team acted quite quickly after that.

Lol

But seriously, oh dear.

Pinkfrocks that's the big problem isn't it.

It's common for people to not face up to reality because it's not real if you don't admit there's a problem.

I'm afraid I don't have an answer for that because we never found it, it took an admittance to hospital and me to be there when dad was questioned to point out to a professional she'd missed the diagnosis.

I hope you can get him attention soon because the sooner you get a diagnosis the better.

I'm not a medical person. But if you suspect he has dementia then really it is essential he is seen by a doctor. Because then he will be able to get the right treatment. You could try contacting an Alzheimers charity because I'm sure they will have plenty of experience of this kind of problem and will be able to advise you the best thing to do.

I think it's very hard as parents become older and there may be other medical conditions affecting them, to be sure what exactly is going wrong.

My dad had a minor stroke. All old people become forgetful ( like me- where are my glasses???) and many symptoms can be simply ageing. My dad is almost 89.

He doesn't do anything 'silly' but he does have an increasingly bad temper- but at the same time he is in a marriage of 67 years that has not been happy for a long time- so who wouldn't be angry and flare up now and then?

You cannot make anyone see a dr against their will or even allow them into the house.

It's hard and I feel for anyone in this situation.

It is terribly difficult and a lot of people go through the same thing.

A doctor's visit may need to be engineered. It took probably 18 months or so between our thinking Dad had a dementia problem and his getting diagnosed. The first problem was getting him to do the tests. The second was then him managing to con/blag his way successfully through the first tests.

It takes time but eventually it's undeniable by anyone.

If it's any consolation my Dad was also a strong character who was always right. He's got to the point now where he'll just go along with what other people say and isn't able to make decisions. It's sad to see him so reduced but it does make it easier to get the help he needs in place. He now has visiting carers but he would have refused point blank 6 months ago.

Thanks everyone, it's a tough call. I will be visiting my parents for a few days next week. I will see if I can make an appointment at the GP to discuss the situation and to see what she has to say but as pinkfrocks says nobody can make him go and I have a feeling it is going to end up in a huge argument............