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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Are we doomed?

17 replies

samuelpepes · 17/09/2014 13:57

Name changed for this one.

Married 19yrs two teenage DCs - history of emotional abuse.

Everything came to a head in the summer and I was on my way out of the door, things were so bad I was ready to leave OH and the kids. When he realised I was serious this time totally capitulated and talked me in to staying (again!!), said all the right things (same old same old).

In fairness he is making a real effort - can still get very sulky/moody but when this is pointed out he does act like a grown up.

When things were really bad in June, I started a diary to document his mood swings - and I'm still keeping it - 5 months later I now question whether in doing this the relationship ultimate doomed? Surely if I was totally committed surely I wouldnt feel the need to make a note of everything!!

OP posts:

CheatingSucks · 17/09/2014 14:11

If you still have incidents to record in the diary then, to me, it sounds like nothing actually has changed and you should leave.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/09/2014 14:13

Your disappointment at yourself having been talked around 'again' is obvious. You know that it's only a matter of time before it gets as bad as it ever was. You don't trust these right things he said to get you back. You're cynical. You've been here before many times.

Like a lot of people in abusive relationships you're waiting for that one big crisis when you can finally feel justified in clearing off. The big crisis never happens so you stick around for a few more years until one day you wake up aged 65 with a really fat diary of mood-swings and still married to a man you don't like much ...

'Doomed' is in the eye of the beholder.

Original poster

samuelpepes · 17/09/2014 14:21

Cogito that picture of my future actually made me cry!!!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/09/2014 14:28

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. But that is the pattern of emotional abuse, unfortunately. Even people who get physically beaten up by partners struggle with the mental process of leaving because they become so dependent and so intimidated that they can't imagine anything else. When it's psychological the temptation is to think that it's not so bad, he seems apologetic, other people have it worse ... etc. You think it would be selfish to end it. You're keeping a diary because you're doubting your own judgement.

It's easy to confuse a temporary cessation of hostility with kindness.

Original poster

samuelpepes · 17/09/2014 14:39

Don't be sorry, it upset me because I know you're spot on - it brought the reality of my situation into sharp focus.

I am waiting for that catalyst that makes it easy to go. I do feel selfish in not putting my kids first (and him to a certain extent), I do know people who have it much much worse, I do convince myself that things aren't so bad (right now they aren't) but deep down I know that it is only temporary. I hadn't realised I was such a classic case!!

I wish I know what the answer was - don't know what I expected from here really as I got all the LTB advice in the summer I needed, yet here I still am.

I don't know what I want - only what I don't want which makes it hard to move forward as I need to have a goal.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/09/2014 14:45

Maybe the answer is to separate yourself, be more independent, less reliant on him for company or whatever it is he brings to the current party? Do you work? Have a social life? Hobbies and interests? What does the emotional abuse look and sound like normally? What effect does it have on you?

If you can't 'LTB' - and many can't - then what I'm suggesting is that you take the half-way step and do your best to disengage, rebuild your confidence & develop a separate 'adjacent' life of your own that you could potentially step into one day. (Apologies if you're doing this already, of course)

Original poster

samuelpepes · 17/09/2014 14:58

I don't really rely on him at all - this is a problem for him as he needs to be needed - and I'm very independent.

I work full time and have lots of friends I see in work and go for lunch or an early drink with, but don't socialise in the evenings and weekends without him so much.

Abuse materialises in the form of jealousy (I edit all converstaions to take out references to other men that might upset him), sulking if I don't agree with him (this can go on for days/weeks), voicing a disapproval of my friends as not being suitable (I would never drop any of them but when I talk about them or meet up arguments follow), stonewalling (me knowing he's upset but says "nothing" when I ask what's wrong - agin this can last days/weeks), withdrawing and being distant and me eventually being being told my "lack of interest" is a problem (this is code for not having sex as much as he'd like).

I get an overall feeling that he disapproves of me - that I never quite meet his standards of behaviour/dress/taste in music. don't get me wrong, I stand up to him, although it's taken a lot of work on myself to get to the point where I know it's him not me, and I don't particularly feel like a victim, but I just feel why should I have to battle to be "me". I quite like who I am.

OP posts:

pinkfrocks · 17/09/2014 15:08

so what' s good about this marriage?

Twinklestein · 17/09/2014 15:13

I got as far as 'history of emotional abuse' and the answer is - yes it's doomed.

Abusive relationships just don't work - they make everyone so unhappy.

He's obviously very insecure - the irrational jealousies and issues with your friends is evidence of that - and that's why he 'disapproves' of you. He's just trying to undermine you and elevate himself, and he does that with criticism, belittling and 'disapproval'. I infer his self esteem is quite low.

No idea how you managed to stick it for so long, I'm way too intolerant to put up with this crap. If it's for the kids, I certainly wouldn't thank my mum for staying with such an arse. And I don't think I'd have the energy for a partner who had to be coached into non-abuse. Policing his moods and behaviour must be exhausting.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/09/2014 15:14

"I don't particularly feel like a victim,"

Which is good, but I feel you're saying that you still care what he thinks and his reaction still has the power to be upsetting. Which is normal after 20+ years history together.

My guess is that if you can sever that last tie.... talk openly about meeting other men, disagreeing with him, enjoying your own taste in music etc.... and genuinely not care about the reaction you get, then that's when you'll be able to put down the diary.

Original poster

samuelpepes · 17/09/2014 15:16

pink we still have the ability to make each other laugh, I do enjoy his company when he is on form and all the other stuff isn't in the for front of my mind.

On some level I still love him (or I love the person I thought he was) and want to give him the opportunity to try and change - for his own benefit as well as for me and the kids.

We have so much shared history and shared pain (a lot of family bereavements in a very short space of time) that it feels sometimes like no one else would ever understand that.

And while I fully accept that the relationship it is not "right" - it really isn't all bad

OP posts:

Original poster

samuelpepes · 17/09/2014 15:17

And there I go again, defending my decision to stay......like I said before it's easy to know what I don't want but not so easy to work out where to go from here!

OP posts:

rainbowinmyroom · 17/09/2014 15:23

You think it's good for the kids to see this as an example of what a normal relationship is?

Original poster

samuelpepes · 17/09/2014 15:23

twinkle yes I am exhausted with it all.

In the words of Chris Martin: "Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard, Oh, take me back to the start"

I like to think I'd do things differently if I had a flash forward!!

OP posts:

Original poster

samuelpepes · 17/09/2014 15:28

rainbow no not at all - I tell them all the time not to look at us as "normal" they know we're f*cked up. They totally don't see me as victim, they see me as the strong one because I am mum and I'm in charge. They recognise that their Dad is weak, but that means they feel sorry for him - even when he's being a dick.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 17/09/2014 15:46

want to give him the opportunity to try and change

Isn't 20 years long enough?

You being in charge probably does nothing for his self esteem. But then you wouldn't need to if he wasn't such arse. Someone's got to be the grownup in the family and it's obviously not going to be him.

So he continues to undermine and belittle you, which might give him temporary ego perks, but it's not going to make him happy long term and it certainly won't make you happy...

So one of you has to have the courage to pull the plug on this depressing charade. As he's the weaker one, it will have to be you...

Original poster

samuelpepes · 17/09/2014 15:58

You are all so right...and saying things I say to myself constantly.....and have been for at least 14 of our 23yrs together. It will have to be me that makes the decision - he never will.

I only hope that I do find the strength and courage and belief in myself to make what I know is the right decision before I am 65 and looking back saying "shit what a waste"

OP posts:

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