is it normal for me to feel like Dp hates it when i speak ...

[treesap]

Dp and I have been together 6 years we have 2 beautiful children , we have always had to work Extremely hard at our relationship ( harder than others I feel ) and we are probably at a point where we are too comfortable we both have quite bad tempers and sharp tongues we bicker quite a lot but I think that's just who we are ...
Being in a relationship defiantly doesn't come naturally to either of us (mayb we are products of our upbringings -both from broken homes and dysfunctional families and are very concious and under of giving our children what we never had ...... maybe its just who we are i'm not sure )
but the thing i struggle with the most is that whenever i speak about anything either serious or just chit chat he seems to be in physical pain.
I have spoken to him many times about this and been on many occasions quite upset about it he genuinely seems to understand , sympathise and want to do better but then then the next thing i say he just Glazes over as usual ..
I see him having conversations with other people and he can converse with the best of them but with me he had no response , constantly misses the point and either has a response that makes no sense completely irrelevant or doesn't bother to respond at all ... he also is very good at saying exactly what i want to hear but with no actual reason or meaning and i never know if its honest or just rubbish i struggle to take anything he says seriously as i feel he just says things for the sake of it or just says what he thinks i want to hear .... its as if he has know opinions or actual thoughts of his own .. he will just repeat back to me whatever i have said
He does the same when we are arguing and will say abck to me what i have said to him as if i haven't said it which then gets us no where . like he is a robot programmed to say certain things .

Is this normal typical man behaviour - a concept i find difficult to accept to begin with . or are we doomed .

I worries me to think i am going to spend the rest of my life having no-one to talk to the one person who i should be able to talk to about anytihng

finally some empathic posters .... thank you i was beginning to feel a little attacked ...

relationships need working at yes you should love someone 100% warts and all ... but you dont have to like everything about them two different people in one unit are bound to have differences and annoyances !

what i am here trying to esablish is when a ralationship is just hard and needs working at like most if not all relationships are ... and when its time to say enough is enough and through in the towel ... at the end of the day i have two beautiful children with a man i love an i believe (think) loves me also .

are not rich but work hard , we have nice holidays not luxury but fun we enjoy family time have similar beliefs and work hard as a unit i obviouslyu didnt think he was the wrong person to begin with or i would never have chosen a life with him and had children ... and he wasnt like this to begin with therefore i am NOT trying to change him from the start although i cant put my finger on when this actually began to be a problem!!

sometimes i think maybe he is just a 'typical man' you hear lots of jokes and banter about men never listen to women.

sometimes i think he is just stressed and has a lot on his plate ....BUT some times i do think maybe he has no interest n what i have to say or even he doesnt even like me ... i cant decide if this is my own insecurities (having being told in the past by a number or people i am very sensitive (over sensitive )

Bottom line is ... do you feel secure, happy, relaxed, free, respected, supported, attractive, confident... loved. Or something else?

it's not "empathy" to help you find ways to stay in a relationship where you are treated as less than human

I think he sounds like he's sick of listening to you, that might be to do with you or him, hard to say.

Look up Isolators and Fusers. It may help you understand the dynamic that may be operating. As for empathy enabling you well I believe that people take action when they are ready and not before. The OP does not seem to want to leave the relationship so advice is offered on that basis.

I could understand this if you had said he was never one for talking but you state he enjoys talking to others and you used to love talking to you.

I think its a simple case of hes just not that into you anymore and he isn't interested in what you have to say.

How old are your children out of interest?

AF I think you are a bit hard there.
Not every man who has some difficult traits is a twat and you need to LTB. Some do change, some do try hard and some do have some difficulties (eg depression, bipolar, AS etc). Some people will be able to live with the special traits in their partners, others won't. But just lumping everyone together isn't helpful at all.
I will say it again. This Guy has proven that he is ready to put a lot if effort in his relationship. And he has proven that he can change. In that particular case, saying he is a twat and treats the OP as less than human isn't helpful at all.
You might as well say that anyone with any kind of difficulty such as the ones mentioned before or having learn the wrong way to behave from their parents should never be allowed to have partners.

OP no one on here can tell you if you should throw the towel away. It very much friend so. Whether this us intentional and he just CBA or if there us something else at play.
If there is something else, you need to know and understand what it is, how much can be changed and what can't. And then you will have to decide if you can live with it.

My DH has AS and would have reacted the way your DH is (Not saying this is the case with your DH btw). He can not do chitchat. He can not do 'very lively discussion'. He can not talk about an issue to find a solution. Either you have the solution and then you say so. Otherwise why on earth are you going on about it?
He can not and will not change. But he has learnt to 'listen' and make the right noises when I talk to him about what I do. He even has learnt enough to be able to make done comments.
A lot if people would be put off by it. It's a personal decision. But I would hate to think that because he isn't behaving within the 'norm' then automatically I should LTB.

You mention his stress at work. If I am very stressed it impacts my DH mainly because I can get away with it! He has also experienced stress at work and during that time I sometimes felt as though he was "absent" although physically in front of me. He couldn't engage with me because he was thinking about work all the time. Sometimes we can put on an act with others but not our partner maybe?

it's just my opinion, CF, backed up by my own personal experience...worth no more nor less than anyone else's

Gosh, can you not see my posts or something? How in hell was I a) not empathic and b) attacking you?

Fine. I'll leave you to it.

TW, I think OP wanted something very different from this thread than she actually got. That's not a reflection on the respondents.

I think you're right, AF.

And I can understand when she is coming from.
She wanted some support to understand what us going on. She wanted support because she strongly believes her dh isn't a bastard because of his previous behaviours and attitude. They've both put a lot if effort I to their relationship and into themselves to become better people. And they both have.
Telling her that he was treating her like shit wasn't going to be helpful.
Unfortunately I had the same experience from MN before DH was diagnosed :(

I'm always amazed how people can latch on one part of the story and forget everything else.

I'm always amazed how many people - whether on MN or IRL - take what is clearly an unhappy woman in a six year, 'hard work' relationship characterised by 'bad tempers and sharp tongues' and who is either being ignored or dismissed by their partner or treated to a distorted face that 'looks like he's in physical pain' when they speak.... and conclude that this is quite normal behaviour and they should stick it out and endure the unhappiness purely because he's making an effort.

A good relationship is really not this tortuous.

Treesap, I've sent you a PM, hope that's OK.

Captain, I thought Asperger's from the first, but didn't say it because many people think the AS label is tossed about too frequently.

CaptainFracasee I cannot agree with you more - like another thread on relationships there are people who have NO experience of this situation, and have been either clever enough or lucky enough to have never got involved with a dickwad!
I would advise the OP to read Lundy Bancroft book 'Why does he do that?' - it is a horrid horrid time, when you come to the realisation that the guy your with, have loved bore his children and shared your lives is a complete bastard in the home to you, the person he 'should' love most - very depressing and painful to find out you will never have fairy tale with this man, and if you part the chances of finding a decent man are extremely slim because they've already been taken! Us women are strong and resilient though, so you can deal with this and help your children to be happier and healthier - but you will probably have to let go of any notion that had will change, you and your children need to become your priority - fuck him!

Is all the work that he has put into the relationship - been actually put into the parenting?

All the great Dad stuff, does loads etc -- but is he a great husband? ...and is he a great parent ie as a couple? if your children see you being treated like this by their Dad - then that is very wrong.

He is stonewalling you, he dislikes you -

The OP says her dh loves her. He doesn't dislike her.

He 'seems to be in physical pain' when she speaks. (I'm imagining some kind of brow-knitted, teeth-gritted, eye-rolling grimace.) Or he ignores her, stops listening and glazes over. Or he meaninglessly parrots her words in an argument. Is that really how someone responds to a person they like? Or love?

Yes, it is, if they have some form of communication disorder. No eye-rolling is involved. Imagine instead someone who has genuine difficulty processing other people's speech, especially in very emotionally fraught situations. Imagine someone who often unwittingly says the wrong thing, is very afraid of saying the wrong thing, and whose mind is full of panic when required to respond correctly to words expressed in a highly emotional way.

This may not be the case here. But it sounds like it could be. It's worth allowing for the possibility. Whether the OP stays or leaves, she will be better off knowing the cause of her marital problems. At the moment, she clearly is inclined to blame herself for being over-sensitive. It would be useful for her to establish the categorical facts if that is not the case. It would also be useful for her to gather information about what kind of man she is attracted to, and what impact that has on her life.

Imagine someone who has no difficulty whatsoever communicating with other people without pulling faces...

It's all part of the pattern actually.

Imagine, for example, someone who has hearing loss which he doesn't want to admit to. He can manage all day in the office, lip-reading, straining to hear what he can manage to hear, filling in the gaps by using his intelligence. When he gets home he's exhausted; he doesn't want to strain to understand what his wife is saying, he just wishes she wouldn't try to talk to him. Of course he's completely wrong to take it out on her. He should admit that he's got a problem. But not admitting that he's got a problem is typical of people with that problem.