When an acquaintance wants to pursue a friendship and you don't...

[CabbageNLeek]

I worked with a very nice woman 3 years ago. We met up a couple of times with DHs in the year after that but really, the blokes didn't really click and it was all led by me and ex-colleague. I also found the meet ups quite hard going, in that conversation didn't flow easily. You know how it can be when you no longer have work in common.

Since then, I haven't wanted to pursue the relationship any further. They haven't done anything wrong, I just don't feel a connection. However, ex-colleague keeps asking when we can do it again. I haven't seen her for over two years and she is still suggesting we all get together to catch up.

I don't want to!

I have made excuses again and again that we're too busy and deliberately ignored messages in the hope that she'll think, 'well she's rude i won't bother with her anymore'.

Maybe if they lived nearby I would meet for coffee, but if I've got an opportunity for a babysitter, I would rather spend the evening with good friends who we don't see enough of.

Any advice on how to handle this? I don't want to actually say, "look, I'm just not that into you!" but I'm starting to feel like I'm going to have to be really blunt.

You call her a nice woman and the main stumbling block seems to be that your DHs didn't click. How about meeting up just you and her? DH can babysit and the pair of you can chat about the old days.

Thanks Cogito, I was hoping you could offer some advice on this.

She's nice enough, I have no problem with her. I just don't feel drawn to her, don't particularly enjoy her company outside of the workplace.

The thought of meeting up for a coffee has just made me realise that I feel I would be encouraging her and that then she would be trying to get dates for when we can all get together.

The 'all get together' angle can be easily dealt with by ... 'our DHs didn't get on so let's not put them through that again'. Would the duration of a cup of coffee really be that terrible?

She seems to think they do get on...

I'm just not comfortable with maintaining a fake relationship with someone I'm not really bothered about.

I guess what I'm asking for is advice on how to withdraw from this 'friendship'.

I'm with you cabbage. However I've been flamed on here before for suggesting the dropping of friends.

I'd carry on doing what you're doing & hope it dwindles. Sorry but life is too short IMO!

cabbage you're obviously a nice person which is why it concerns you to do this properly. But, you say you are happy for her to stop trying if she decides you're rude. So, be rude. Don't reply. You don't have any other contact so let it die a natural death by not responding, and give yourself permission to do that without feeling guilty. Don't continue something out of a sense of obligation. We all have enough family members taking up those spots!

I guess I was confused by the original description of the person being 'a very nice woman' and that you'd led the conversation between you at previous get togethers. If she's really not nice or even if you just can't be bothered and she's not getting the hint that you're constantly washing your hair then I think you have to say... 'It's been lovely knowing you but I don't think we have enough in common any more'.

oh god, I'm one of those people that seeks permission from the internet! That's exactly why I came on here isn't it? To have someone say, it's ok to let it go...

I'd be happy to remain facebook friends who occasionally interact, but don't want to spend any precious free time pursuing a friendship here. I'm not that great, there's loads of other nice people she could spend time with!

I have many friends whose partners and husbands don't get on with or click with my DH or indeed who have never met my DH. Nothing wrong with any of them but the women were my friends first. I meet them and we do a girly coffee.

The point is if your heart is not in this friendship, let her go.

eventually, she will take the hint though she seems a bit slow.

Keep taking your time to reply to calls, keep making excuses. If it comes to it, don't return calls at all.