An abusive relationship is about to end...

[Monny]

I am not a regular poster on here at all but the last time I posted I received some very wise advice and everything said has come true. So I hope you don't mind me popping back...

I am in a financially and emotionally abusive marriage and it's getting worse. Until yesterday, I thought I was up sh@t creek financially when it came to getting out of this relationship with two young kids. I had images of homeless and destitute old age, etc. I have been sooo depressed. Turns the future is not that bleak (and if anyone else has been left feeling like that by their OH - YOU CAN GET OUT).

The next step is divorce. I am at the planning stage and then I need to be brave and tell him that either he goes, or I and the kids go AND that he will have to pay maintenance... I am biding a little time as I need to back up photos, preserve anything precious from my grandparents time, etc..., just in case I have to go. I also need to do some financial research (any tips?) to help show what he needs to pay in maintenance. As much as he is 'open' about his finances (sorry, it's just me not being interested), he stores his documents in a place slightly difficult to access*.

In the meantime, I would be really grateful if anyone who has been through a divorce has any advice at all (the moment you tell him, kids welfare, what my husband could do, logistics, etc.) For once, I'd like to go in to this with my eyes-wide open.

Thank you - for the first time in ages I feel hope!

• telling me I'm not interested is a blanket line to defend him doing whatever he likes **curious I know, but I am trying to remain anonymous ;-)

Have you spoken to a solicitor? Is that what happened yesterday that made you more optimistic?

Working out how much maintenance he should pay can be calculated based on his declared income. That part's relatively easy and there is an online calculator here for example. The difficult part will be working out what is his declared income given that he's secretive and financially controlling. That's when you need a good solicitor.

I think 'what my husband could do' is something only you can answer. You know him best and you're in a good position to anticipate his next move. If that's likely to involve any kind of aggression or obstruction the answer to 'the moment you tell him' could be 'when the divorce papers arrive in the house, from a distance, after you've left with the DCs'

Eyes wide open is good but probably not a good idea to wait until every loose end has been tied up or you'll never leave. Get 80 - 90% organised and then go for it.

Thanks CogitoErgoSometimes - I will check that link out in detail tonight. I did speak to one (and I also found some emotional support) so I am feeling more optimistic than I have in a long time.

With 'what he could do' question, I meant are there any things he could do to me legally that I should be aware of? In past arguments, he has threatened to screw my life up (financially) and he has a habit of coming from left-field and the bad surprise knocking me for 6. He is not hot air on such threats either.

80-90% is good for me. It's 80-90% living again and that is better than this :-)

The way to approach this - I think - is to assume the very, very worst. Assume you will get no maintenance, no assistance, no cooperation, no nothing. Plan your life based on independence in the purest sense of the word i.e what you can provide for yourself and your DCs. This includes state help, if appropriate, and anything your family can contribute but the aim is not to be dependent on your ex in any way whatsoever.

If you have no financial reliance on someone, they cannot screw your life up financially. If you expect zero you cannot be disappointed. Anything you are awarded legally, treat as a bonus rather than making plans on the strength of it.