My husband cheated on me, and I don't know if I am too broken to stay with him or not?

[Brokenwoman14]

It was almost 10 months ago since he first told me that he had cheated on our now 14 year year marriage. We have 3 beautiful daughters and I had just had our third daughter when it started to happen. It was an on and off again physical relationship over the period of 2 years. This person that he had cheated with was actually a family friend, a person that had spent a lot of time with our family and often in our home. I am currently trying to work through it with my husband, but I was hurt so badly that I have put up a wall around myself and I'm not sure if I can take it down. My husband has been sleeping on the couch now for 10 months, and at first we tried to hide that from our children, but we eventually had to make up excuses to our kids as to why he was not sleeping in our bed. He is going to counselling to work on his issues, but I feel completely stuck. I haven't done anything to help myself and I can't seem to make any decisions.

I'm so sorry brokenwoman. Even your username is so sad.

I could not and would not forgive the betrayal. If you leave the marriage now in 10 months you would be well on your way to healing, instead of trapped in a cycle of resentment and sadness.

He lied and cheated on your for 2 years, one seventh of your marriage.

The wall will come down when you don't need it to defend and protect yourself, i.e. when you leave your marriage.

I'd recommend counselling for you yourself. It can help you decide what your options are and what you want to do. Don't be too sympathetic to your husband's 'issues'...he had the affair!

A two year on/off relationship was hardly some one-off mistake or accident. Takes quite a lot of lies and planning to keep something going for that long. You say he told you about it. Was that in response to a direct question or did his confession come out of nowhere? What were his motives for making this clean breast and ruining your life in the process? And what are these 'issues' that he's using to excuse his behaviour exactly? All sounds very selfish and 'poor me'.

Betrayal is a horrible hurtful thing and of course you've put walls up.... how else are you expected to respond when under threat? Whatever happens next your life will always be a little bit worse knowing what you know.

Does anyone else know what's been going on or are you trying to keep all of this secret and work on it without help?

I haven't done anything to help myself and I can't seem to make any decisions.

Start counselling asap.

So hurtful but it does seem like you need outside help to try and sort through your feelings.

I think since you let him stay, after ten months you ought to be moving forward, as hard as it is or let go.

Was it often that they met over the two years or was it sort of rare? Not that it makes it easier. Did he get caught?

Oh dear, it's been 10 months and he is still on the couch and you are still hurt... I don't think your marriage is surviving his betrayal. You're never going to trust him again. Do yourself a favour and leave, a trial separation might help you clarify your own feelings and wants and needs. I think you deserve better, no one needs to stay in a marriage where the other person betrayed them. Get counselling for yourself, work on your self-esteem.

Hi , am in a v similar situation, mum of three and found out my partner was having a 2 year friendship that turned into a full blown affair. Feel utterly , utterly betrayed by the cheating and the fact he lied several times when previously confronted. It was some work colleague. She was married with children too ! Worse too was the fact that I was pregnant when it started . Our relationship was not great and I admit I was bored. Initially I felt so sick constantly thinking about the two of them and it was only because we were having extensive building work done that I allowed him to stay and sleep on the sofa. We had a holiday already booked and during that time , things have turned into what I believe is called 'hysterical bonding' . I am quite disgusted at myself really but somehow needed to find a connection. We have both been to counselling and found it v beneficial as is constant communication. I am only 4 months down the line but I think you two either need to start making steps towards reconciliation or part.

Apart from sleeping on the couch and counselling, what else is he doing to address everything? Why did he tell you, has he been entirely truthful, have you been able to ask him whatever you like and get honest answers?

Or are you both trying to forget about it without confronting it?

The best way to recover, in my experience, is to say that you're no longer prepared to put up with it and that you want to separate.

You have been betrayed in the worst possible way, both by your husband and by a woman who was meant to be your friend. I think to forgive this is more than is humanly possible.

As you tell him to go, your strength will return, as will your self respect.

I'm so sorry; I know exactly what you're going through and it's really awful.

You can go to Relate on your own you know. You don't have to get into any couples counselling if you don't want to.

Apart from him going to counselling to work on his "issues" what else is he doing to reassure you that he's completely and utterly contrite? Has he acknowledged the terrible harm he has done to you and your marriage?

Thank you for all of our advice, comments and concern. There were a lot of questions that where posted. I will elaborate a little more on the details, and I know it is going to sound as though I am excusing his actions, I am not, I feel you need to understand his back story. As a child he was treated very poorly by his parents and was sexy abused by some family members and a soccer coach. Before marrying myself he was a pretty sexually active person. Then he chose me to marry, I had never had any relationship prior to him, he was my first in every way. In a way I guess we we're complete opposites. Yet there was a strong attraction to each other. I was only 20 when we were married, maybe a little too young but of course at the time I didn't listen to anyone. Now I have been with this man for 18 years ( 14 years married ) that is more than half my life. I know that is no reason to stay but when that is all you know for soo long, it is hard to see your life any different. Someone had asked " why he felt the sudden urge to confess? ". He had said it was because the guilt was eating him up inside. He was very open and honest, I had asked some questions and he was very open with his answers. He felt as though he had already told me the worst and that there was no point in lying about anything else. Over the 2 years it was mostly hand jobs until she had said to him that if he wanted that to continue that he had to have sex with her. They had sex about 3 times, and he said he did not enjoy the sex, because he was not physically attracted to her, it was purely because she was giving him want he wanted at the time. I do not believe that he was attracted her at all. One of the main things that may be holding me back frozen is that other than sleeping on the couch and councilling, I haven't seen enough of anything else to make up for his mistake.

I can see how counselling with be very good for me, because it felt so good to put this all down on the screen.

Sorry, but he has sex with her and is a known liar, you cannot believe it was only 3 times.

There is no excuse for doing this to you.

I mean, a 2-year relationship? Countless lies.

I'm sorry you've been given such a fairy story. Two years of hand jobs? She forced him to have sex and he didn't enjoy it? He's not attracted to her at all? He drives a wrecking ball through your guts & your life because he felt bad about what happened? ..... And all this is OK because he had a rough upbringing?

I think you have to start imagining a different life OP. Asking him to leave might help you adjust a little quicker. As would confiding in someone IRL whether that's a counsellor, friend or family member. Don't keep this to yourself.

This is a relationship which has broken down.

The hand job story is a fantasy. That too is about detachment. It would be easier to take if he had simply said she was a dream in bed, but that it is you he loves.

I think that you both need to honestly ask each other what is in it for the two of you to stay together, and what changes need to be made, and what is in it for the two of you if you go your own ways.

What a steaming pile of horse shit he has told you. He is also trying to use the well worn get-out-of-jail free card that is taking himself off to counselling. Bollocks to that. I can tell him why he cheated - because be wanted to get his end away and realised he could. Tell him that from me and he might save a few quid on a counsellor (who, let's face it, earn easy money for dressing up the blindingly obvious in pseudo-science). Then do yourself a favour, stop prolonging the agony and LTB.

Ah, sorry OP but he is lying to you. No way would it have been hand jobs for two years.

What he is doing is called 'minimising'. Most cheaters do this when they are caught. They tell you as little as they think they can get away with.

I'm really surprised that you fell for this tbh, it's such an obvious lie.

It's more likely that he said he was going to leave you for her and, after two years she got fed up waiting so told him that she was going to tell you if he didn't.

Something must have prompted him to tell you, it certainly wasn't a guilty conscience.

My ex gave me loads of bollocks - in his year affair they had sex just 12 times bla bla. Said it only became sexual towards the end - yeah right. It's damage control. 20 months on I probably know about 75% the real story.

Like you my ex was my first in every way, meeting as teenagers. He was experienced though. He was everything I knew. It was scary going alone, there's no denying that, and whilst I'm not 'there' completely, I can honestly say that his affair and our divorce has actually been the making of me. You can do it alone after all this time. It's as though you get to start again but with maturity.

I often wonder if I could forgive and forget (as I know he'd like us to get back together) but when his affair carried on I was a mess. He treated me so badly I was extremely depressed and had low self esteem...whilst he was giving all his love and affection to someone else.

Leaving is incredibly hard, but until you leave and try not having him
In your life, you will never be able to properly assess your feelings.

I do believe that people make mistakes but long-term affairs are not mistakes.

What cog said. Get angry and bin his arse!

You def need to go to counselling but on your own for a good while, you sound like you really need to get stuff off your chest and start to sort through it all...not easy, believe me as it will lead you down a path of your own self worth and hang ups too but worth exploring for you to move on with or without your hubby.
I still find believing anything my partner tells me about the affair v difficult as I believe minimising still makes it slightly less damaging in their eyes. Sadly, men seem to be able to compartmentalise their feelings and use this an excuse !
Your hubby has a lot of history and I feel you are being v understanding which makes me think you do want to make it work but are frozen? He does need to do everything possible to reassure you and make you feel
Loved , cared for and valued . It is easy for others to advise you but ultimately counselling and can help you determine this . I sometimes feel a complete mug to be even trying to work things out but I think who cares what anyone else thinks, it's my life, my happiness and if it doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be

I agree with the other posters that you are 'stuck' . You both seem to want to make it work or I guess he would have left after ten months on the sofa and you would have called time at some point since finding out about the affair. You really do have to start making moves forward. Is it that you don't want him in your bed again or that you do actually want to make a go of it but don't know how to ? Playing devils advocate, ask yourself, if he came home tomorrow and said he was leaving (for the OW or on his own) how would you feel ? relieved or devastated ? If you can work that one out then you have your answer. The only thing that is not realistic is to keep the relationship dangling. He has done you a huge wrong but if you want to move forward (and I know many many couples who have rebuilt their relationships following affairs) you will have to work out how to forgive and the only way is probably learning to improve your communication with each other via a skilled counsellor. The status quo will do neither of you any favours. I wish you well whatever your decision.

Oh honey - his "story" of what happened is more full of bullshit than a scientology convention.

Nothing but hand jobs for two years? Sweetheart. No.

And her insisting that they have sex, him not wanting to, and feeling repulsed by it? Really? You really believe that? Because.....well, because to literally everybody else on the planet that would be seen as a huge stonking lie to try and make himself somehow look like the "victim" in this.

He went into this affair with his eyes wide open. He CHOSE to have sex with this woman, and probably did for a long time.

I think this might be why you feel like you can't move forwards - because you have tried to force yourself to believe what he told you, but your subconscious simply cannot allow itself to swallow such an utter load of bullshit.

I would recommend turning up on the other woman's doorstep and asking her out for coffee (if you can do that in a civilised way - there's no point getting angry with her). Then tell her you would like to hear her side of events.

Contrary to your husband, she has no reason to hide the truth from you.

Pretty sure she is going to be quite surprised to hear about his version of events.

Oh, I feel for you, I really do. My exH was having an affair - turned out it was with my 'best' friend! I put up with it for 20 years, for the sake of keeping the family together. More fool me - I'm amazed that I survived, mentally and physically. It was a total double betrayal and absolutely shattered me.

Please, OP, DON'T be me. He's feeding you a line, with all the bollocks about 'hand jobs' etc. etc. I can't see that it's going to do you any good continuing in this marriage. You deserve so much better.

Even if they were just wanking each other off, it's still sex, still betrayal.

Far worse than the actual sex is the lying & sneaking, IMO.