I am such a broken record

[DanielJack]

I have posted here a few times, basically my DW had an affair with one of my friends whilst marrying me. We have two children and we have separated. Over the last year we have still spent a lot of time together because of the kids, spending days together and occasionally her an I going to dinner.

We keep going round in circles and I don't know what to do.

We hang out, I feel us getting close, I recommend counselling but she is only slightly interested. She then tells me she isn't sure of her feelings, the OM is still in her life, she then says she doesn't see a life for us together. I then go no contact, she gets in touch, we do something with the kids and the cycle starts again.

Part of me feels like it is worth waiting for as I do really love her but I feel like I am going round in circles and sending myself mad. I can't imagine a life without her.

Just draw a line under it and move on! Don't keep hanging around like a puppy dog, putting your life on hold!

Yeah, i think eventually you will realise that you need to move on. She isnt interested in repairing your relationship. Keep any contact you have purely around the children.

Your her back up plan.

If OM said tomorrow 'I want you' you would be out on your ear.

If he tells her to get knotted and means it you will do. Or you will do until another someone better comes along.

You deserve more than this. All the time you hang on and hang on you don't start healing, you don't move on and you will not get to the stage where you may meet someone else.

Stop hanging out with her. It is hard but best for you.

Unfortunately you are prolonging your own misery - your DW is having her cake and eating it.

If I was you I would certainly tell the OM wife what he is up to.

Oh she knows and they are separated / going through a divorce at the moment. Sadly she thinks this is the only time, he actually cheated on her many times, once with another friends wife on a ski trip. He really is a scum bag.

Not much else to add as PP have said it all. But as cocktailqueen says so succinctly draw a line under it and move on.

This is like picking at wound. It will never heal the more you pick at it. You have all laid your cards on the table. If she felt the way you did you would know.

Give yourself some time to heal. As you have DCs with her you can't go no contact but you can set boundaries so stop those personal dinners. Discuss any issues about the DCs that arise as they come. Be cordial at hand overs and pick ups but don't be drawn into pretend family unit games.

It's time to move on.

I think you are right, hurts so much but you are right :(

I agree she thinks you're the runners-up prize and she's stringing you along. I'd start by telling her to fuck off; then I'd stop being nice to her and get formal about access arrangements, etc. And I sure as fuck wouldn't be letting her into my living space. Who does she think she is? Cow.

I remember your thread from before I think...I remember how badly she behaved and how hurt you were - I'm sorry you are still feeling hurt.

I think you should spend much less time with her, get out and get over her. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear that. You can't live your life with a woman who is just 'meh' about you. It won't work.

You can't imagine a life without her because you are not making any effort to create a life without her. You may have to be in touch for the sake of the DCs but that's where it starts and finishes. She's not your friend. There's no reason to 'hang out'. She says there's no future in it. You're wasting your time.

It's going to hurt but you have to make a conscious effort to do other things, be with real friends, and forge a life of your own. You also need to find your indignation.... you don't sound in the least bit annoyed or offended by what's happened, and that's unhealthy.

Oh I am really pissed off with it all and her decisions but I always want the best for the kids. It has been nice for them to have both parents around for dinners and days out. Just in doing this I couldn't stay angry for ever and old feelings flood back.

What's best for the DCs will be to see you happily independent. Having you around but not around will be confusing. You can't stay angry for ever - not suggesting that - but if you park your indignation completely, you end losing your self-respect.

OP, time to realise your 'family' is not what it once was and can never be again. Your ex is just that....an ex and you can never spend time together until you properly come to terms with that fact. It's (she's) a shit but it's the way it is.