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Original poster

would this p**s you off about a friend?

26 replies

ssd · 25/09/2006 12:40

I had a very significant(!) birthday last week and my very good friend hasn't even bothered to send me a card, apparently it's in the post.

I got cards from people I hardly ever see, when I spoke to her on the day she said "oh I've been too busy to send a card!" now it's "in the post"!

feel p*ssed off and hurt.

am I over reacting?

BTW she's no kids, when I asked what have you been up to she siad nothing, previously had 3 days off before my birthday but couldn't find the time to post a card.

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 25/09/2006 12:41

and I know if I'd done this to her she'd be livid!

OP posts:
liquidclocks · 25/09/2006 12:43

I'm really bad at sending cards so normally no, BUT, if it's a significant b'day and she's a really good friend and she's just had some time off - then yes, I'd be a bit put out. Not enough to put a good friendship at risk though some of us are just a bit cr*p like that - sorry!

KTeepee · 25/09/2006 12:45

You've just reminded me that I've missed two friends' birthdays in the last few days

mousiemousie · 25/09/2006 12:45

I wouldn't be bothered about a card if she had made an effort to do something with you to celebrate or at least offered to. Did she?

BonyM · 25/09/2006 12:48

ssd - yes I would be pissed off, and in fact was in a very similar situation last month. It was my 40th, and one of my closest friends didn't send me a card, even though she'd been invited to my party (which she couldn't attend because she was away). I hads a text from her to say Happy Birthday - a day early.

I've not spoken to her since, although we both have very busy lives and don't actually speak that often these days anyway! Wouldn't be a friendship breaker though.

bluejelly · 25/09/2006 12:51

Life's too short to worry about things like this, IMHO!

FioFio · 25/09/2006 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ssd · 25/09/2006 13:36

I realise this is one of those threads when the OP doesn't give the whole story and is surprised at the replies!

there's too much background to go into, suffice to say after a lot of things she's done the missing card was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back!

I'll keep back from her for a while until I calm down.

As you might guess the card is one small thing in a bigger picture! probably to do with having a pal with no kids and no interest in your life, while I'm expected to drop everything if she has a bad day..........

OP posts:
wartywarthog · 25/09/2006 13:45

you gotta fill us in on the whole picture. if it were just the card, i wouldn't worry. some people don't do cards / remember birthdays very well. but if it's a general trend i'd probably be pissed off. do you remember hers?

TheArchangel · 25/09/2006 13:48

Just been speaking to a friend about how we both 'lost' our (childless) best mates after having children.

In many ways having a child puts you into a different stratosphere to childless people and i think it can alienate them massively - which is not what you want at a time when you need your friends most!

Having children does change you but not as much, and not as quickly as childless people think... think of it as a glass wall between you where you can see through the glass at a childless world because you've been there before but all they can see is mirrored glass and can't see your world for themselves... IYKWIM!

Good luck, feel pity for your friend for being so inconsiderate (a missed card on its own is not a bad thing but in your case it sounds like more than that) and if she can't be bothered to share your world now that it's different to hers... well that's for you to decide.

wartywarthog · 25/09/2006 13:52

ta, LOVE the analogy of a glass wall! esp "mirrored glass and can't see your world for themselves..."

so true!!!!!!

Original poster
ssd · 25/09/2006 17:56

very true TA!

I always feel like I'm bending over backwards to see/help/advise her when she needs it but there are huge areas of my life I feel she's got no interest in and isn't willing to care about eg. a few times when she's called me in the evening and I'm putting the ds's to bed, dh will say "she's upstairs with the kids" and she's said "well tell her to call me when she has the time" and bangs the phone down on him??!! sorry, I'm putting my kids to bed, not out on the piss! There are actually loads of incidents like this.............

guess the reason I've not fallen out with her before (though God knows why) is that as TA says I feel I really need some pals, have got loads of mummy friends but few that knew me from my schooldays and as I'm not at all close to my sister and have an elderly mum I look after, there are few "girls" out there for me these days........

guess thats how it goes sometimes when you have kids and your pals don't

OP posts:
mousiemousie · 25/09/2006 18:30

sympathy ssd, it's a common complaint that childless friends don't understand what its like to have children and being very self centred often goes with the territory of not having kids. Not sure anything much will help her understand apart from having her own kids one day. Are your kids still quite young?

Original poster
ssd · 25/09/2006 20:06

not really, 5 and 8.

she's never really bothered to get to know them, never ever babysat although she knows the postion we're in (no babysitters from family (too old!) ), leaves me out of nights out and yet complains if I don't invite her.

and I promise if I didn't send a card on her fortieth she's go through the roof with me.

also took ages to arrange a date for a night out, then said I can't remember the date! we all have to fit around her.

just fed up with it really, don't know why I stick with it, has peed me off 1 too many times.

OP posts:
SSSandy · 25/09/2006 20:18

Think it's ok to maybe tell her which things annoy you if you can clear the air without it being the end of the relationship. I'm not great at that kind of thing so tend not to do this myself. I wouldn't make a big deal out of the card thing. It's just one of many disappointments but not the most important IMO.

So did you celebrate your birthday? How did it go?

Original poster
ssd · 26/09/2006 07:58

thanks SSS, I had a great day! mostly spent with dh and the kids!

I couldn't talk to this friend about how I feel, she's very moody and I know would flounce off. Also without sounding mad, she doesn't have any insight into herself IYKWIM, she complains about others doing thing that she's done herself all the time. She just doesn't realise she's how she is and I'd not like to be the one to tell her. We've developed a kind of mother/child friendship with me seemingly always there for her in a crisis but her never realising I might need some help/a shoulder from her too.

It's taken me a few years to work all this out with this friend, she always made me feel guilty for first meeting dh then having kids then making new mummy friends, while all the time she's been alone. I've always tried not to "rub it in" eg. I never talk about the kids or certain parts of my life to her, just things we still have in common. And now I'm realising how little we have in common and how she uses me and doesn't give it back. Probably time to let it go a bit, maybe it went a long time ago and I didn't see it coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 26/09/2006 08:00

I suppose the first post about the card was just the tip of the iceberg, don't really care about a late/lost car, it's the rest of it that gets me.

OP posts:
SSSandy · 26/09/2006 08:23

Does sound like a one-way thing. Still you describe her as a friend. Is there anything you'd miss about her / the relationship if you called it a day?

CarolinaMoon · 26/09/2006 08:28

ssd, I think you've said it all.

It is hard to let go of old friendships, but sometimes they just aren't worth hanging onto .

kellywellyboots · 26/09/2006 08:36

im a shite friend and forget or accidentally ignore birthdays all the time. made an extra special effort this year and last as so many of us were turning 30, but still missed some important ones
i sincerely hope no-one felt upset by it, kind of hope they just think im a scatty useless sort of person but that i care anyway... maybe she has something going on that shes not talking about? like lurking debilitating depression which distracted her from buying/sending card??

kellywellyboots · 26/09/2006 08:38

oh. just read a lil more of the thread and now sympathise w you. sorry you had a shadow over the birthday, hope u enjoyed otherwise

kellywellyboots · 26/09/2006 08:42

i had a friendship of 8 years i had to let go last year too. loooong story, cant be arsed w details, but just wanted to lend an understanding ear. think it hurts almost more than a BF breakup, 'breaking up' w friends. (never had a divorce so cant comment on that one)

wartywarthog · 26/09/2006 09:53

ssd, have been in the same position as you. i let a friendship of 28 years go! it was very very hard to do, but was just bringing me down and i don't regret it. sounds like you have reached the end with her.

Original poster
ssd · 26/09/2006 16:03

yes, I probably have.

trouble is at my old age(!!) it's hard making friends that have known you for ages, that sounds daft, I just mean it's comforting having a friend that knows you from being a school girl.

just wish she was a bit less up her a**e about herself and her problems and a bit more understanding of mine. I can remember before I had my kids not really understanding a lot of things that came with parenthood, but I tried to understand, I don't feel I went out my way to be deliberatly unhelpful and blinkered which I feel she is.

OP posts:
CarolinaMoon · 26/09/2006 16:08

I know what you mean, but does it all make up for the regular irritation of having a friend who doesn't understand your life at all?