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Original poster

If you had never had an orgasm in your life with a man...

30 replies

MeetwoodFlac · 16/09/2014 16:29

how would you feel? That's me. I have been married for a long long time. DH is as far as I can tell a thoughtful lover. I had around 5 partners before him- 2 were virgins so didn't expect great things - and the others well, it just didn't happen. I didn't have an orgasm( by myself) until my 40s.

I feel inhibited. I get turned on to an extent then find foreplay annoying and irritating sometimes. I don't get much satisfaction from penetration at all. I don't know what to do. If we do have sex I feel a failure though DH never ever makes me feel that way- it's in my head. I know I shouldn't and that orgasm is not a goal or essential to sex, but I feel cheated. It's good to feel close to DH yes, but there is no 'great release' for me and I get very jealous reading about women who have wonderful sex lives as I never have.

We don't have sex that much anyway- we're often tired at the end of the day and my libido has taken a bit of a nose dive. But at the same time I have this niggle that maybe he isn't doing the 'right' things. I don't know! Or is it me? I've read here that women are responsible for their own orgasms so am I just inhibited? I don't like singing or dancing in front of people either , it's as if I'm exposing myself and this seems to apply to sex too.

OP posts:
chaseface · 16/09/2014 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MairzyDoats · 16/09/2014 16:36

Can you make yourself orgasm with a vibrator? I believe that the better you know how to do it yourself (and the more often you do it) the better chance you have of being able to show your DH what works for you.

Original poster
MeetwoodFlac · 16/09/2014 16:39

Thank you. I didn't blame him I just asked if it might be him, or not. Not blaming at all. Yes I can show him what I like and do. But he's too eager to please if that makes sense. If I ask him to do x, he will keep doing it till the cows come home, because he thinks it's what I want, rather than maybe doing something slightly different. So it ends up like a running commentary. One thing he does do is go straight for my fanjo as foreplay and forget I have other erogenous zones. I've talked about this but he doesn't seem to listen.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeetwoodFlac · 16/09/2014 16:39

Yes I have a Vib and use it but DH doesn't even know- you see how bad this all is?

OP posts:
LSDeacon · 16/09/2014 16:41

I have never orgasmed through penetration. I use a bullet vibrator when I can be bothered during penetration. Oral sex bores me and dp seems clumsy when using hands. But I love penetrative sex regardless.
You are not alone.

ilovepowerhoop · 16/09/2014 16:41

I dont orgasm through sex itself. Sometime dh will bring me to orgasm with his hands prior to sex or I will use my hands to do so during sex.

Twinklestein · 16/09/2014 16:41

I'd think it would be impossible for him to know how to make you orgasm if you don't know yourself.

It's something you need to figure out for yourself and then you can show him.

Original poster
MeetwoodFlac · 16/09/2014 16:45

I do know how to do it myself but am far too embarrassed to do it in front of him yet he is the nicest man. I sometimes wonder if that's the problem that he is too 'nice'.

OP posts:
chaseface · 16/09/2014 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/09/2014 17:17

I don't think that it's because he's too "nice", I think it's because you're not communicating with him adequately, or at all.

The numbers of women who do not achieve orgasm purely through penetration are far greater than the ones who do. This leaves us with needing to communicate to our partners what it is we need them to do and for how long. Saying "I like X" can leave you with only getting X and not anything else. If you need the pace to change or for him to do something different you need to indicate that. If you can't say the words perhaps you could try encouraging it by other means. Honestly, most decent and loving men want their partners to have just as wonderful a time as they are but they're not mind-readers, alas

BertieBotts · 16/09/2014 17:23

If he's always heading straight for the Fabio despite being told about other areas that could be an issue.

Give him a challenge - both of you are mot allowed to touch the area covered by pants. Your challenge is to use other touching to tempt your partner so much that they can't help but break that boundary. Put nipples off limits too if you like. It's a good way of finding out or remembering what other things you both luke.

BertieBotts · 16/09/2014 17:23

Sorry typos!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/09/2014 17:41

"One thing he does do is go straight for my fanjo as foreplay and forget I have other erogenous zones. I've talked about this but he doesn't seem to listen."

In which case you need to repeat the instructions until he does listen. Most women don't welcome diving straight to the fanjo as foreplay with no preamble because this isn't foreplay. That needs to be kept until you're very aroused. From a man's point of view going straight for it is what they would do if they had a fanjo rather than a penis. If no-one told them none of them would know this. How could they?

Still, what could make things easier to deal with on your part is knowing that every single woman is different. Men generally need to be "trained" in what their partner wants and needs. Only a virgin with absolutely no understanding of how sex should work wouldn't get this.

KoalaKoo · 16/09/2014 17:47

Would you be brave enough to plan a time, make sure you are turned on a bit beforehand, have your room totally dark and show him what you like but tell him he cant touch (though you could of course let him touch whenever you are ready)? He would find this incredibly arousing and you might feel uninhibited enough to climax with him present and possibly even with one hand on your hand?

loveableshoulder · 16/09/2014 17:51

I'm the same as you in many ways. Did orgasm from youth, but only with fingers, not anything else.

DH is kind and loving but always takes charge - when I'm on top I prefer it but he gets carried away and takes control. I don't think he's selfish; I think I have become ambivalent because I don't want to try for an orgasm because of failure, so we have fallen into this habit :(

Branleuse · 16/09/2014 18:01

if you didnt even feel inclined to start masturbating till you were in your 40s, then i think its probably not your husbands fault.

What do you think would happen if you were less inhibited?

Is he inhibited too? What are you embarrassed about??

Original poster
MeetwoodFlac · 16/09/2014 18:03

We have tried a lot of those ideas already. I do say harder,faster, right a bit, left a bit, up a bit, down a bit, all over, no - just there...
and I'm not wanting an orgasm through penetration- know the figures for that! Anyway would be fine.
He is often suggesting I play with myself and he watches- but I just die at the thought of it.
Why am I so bloody inhibited?
I don't want to go down the psycho route here- I didn't have a terrible childhood or brought up to be a 'good girl' or anything. My parents were very strict with me and are definitely no sex before marriage types, but I rebelled and did it anyway. I don't think I'm harbouring guilt or anything about that.
I agree that the 'no pants area' is a good idea because I remember when we got together that he was more keen to nibble my ear of whatever, whereas now it all seems a bit of a shorthand approach.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeetwoodFlac · 16/09/2014 18:06

Just to add some details- our sex life took a tumble in our 30s (I didn't marry until I was 30 and didn't have many men in my 20s) because I had 2 operations on my fanjo post babies. I felt very negative about my body and was afraid of sex in case it hurt me. I then had a chronic illness which affected my pelvic area and again was in pain for many years and we did not have penetrative sex for 10 years. So many years were wiped off my sex life.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/09/2014 18:14

"He is often suggesting I play with myself and he watches- but I just die at the thought of it."

I think most of us might if it was a matter of doing it and he was staring from the other side of the brightly-lit room and he was writing notes at the same time but he's not, is he? He'll be doing stuff as well, one hopes. Even if it's getting busy with those other erogenous zones outside the "pants area"

Honestly, he's going to be delighted with himself once he knows how to get you off

MairzyDoats · 16/09/2014 18:16

Time to start reclaiming them then I'd say! Smile

PitchSlapped · 16/09/2014 18:22

I have never had an orgasm with a man but my ex was very selfish, he would rub the same spot for 10 minutes while I got more and more bored. Wouldnt listen to suggestions and definitely wouldnt come up with anything new on his own. Do you have sex often?

KoalaKoo · 16/09/2014 19:18

Like I said, do what he suggests with him watching but lights off and just a candle, you will feel much more confident that way.

BertieBotts · 16/09/2014 19:40

:( lost my post. I'll try and finish it when i get home.

Dirtybadger · 16/09/2014 20:15

I know this sounds bizarre but you might find it helpful to have one of you blindfolded. If you cant see him you might feel more confident him watching? A bit like when a kid assumes because they can't see you, you can't see them. Or you might be happier giving him very intimate/detailed instructions if you know he cant see? Although that does risk making him a little clumsy. You being unable to see may he easier and better for him "long term" plus if there's some extra arousal you might climax quicker/easier/better?

My suggestions based on having to make do with people I dont know quite well enough to open up to normally

TheWindmillMouse · 16/09/2014 20:23

I feel like you OP.
I'm in my 30's and have never had an orgasm. I've been very experimental in the past, and never felt inhibited, both alone and with partners, but it has never happened. I'd get to a certain point of worked up, and no further, which just left me feeling frustrated.

Now, with young kids, sex is a chore. If it happens at all it's a sense of obligation, that lovely DH doesn't deserve a sexless marriage. He is very willing, but giving a constant flow of instructions is not a great turn on, and the end result is the same regardless.

If you don't mind my asking, what made the difference for you? I mean how did you learn to do it yourself? I feel like if I could do that, we'd be halfway there...